Monday, December 08, 1980

Are Girls Better at Resisting Numerist Indoctrination?

In the daily struggle we humans face against the numbers as they are engaged in their daily effort to eradicate human existence from existence, it is not often that we encounter a good bit of news that tilts the scales of favor in our favor.

Today, however, a ray of sunshine has been shafted into our dark, dusky trenches in the form of a new study by several John(s) Hopkins University professors.

The good news? Girls are bad at math.

Camilla Benbow and Julian Stanley, Johns Hopkins University co-authors of the study, concluded from their data that "sex differences in achievement in and attitude toward mathematics result from superior male mathematical ability.

If these findings are correct, it may mean that the key to defeating the numbers may not be in the hands of we strong and powerful men, but rather in the weaker sex - women. Their natural abilities of resisting the arithmetical agenda may be the saving grace that saves our species from eventual defeat by the numbers.

The obvious course of action, of course, is to immediately and thoroughly disenroll all girls from math classes immediately and keep them safely isolated from mathematical influence in "safe" classes such as Home Economics, Literature, and Artistry.

Of course, the feminists and their ilk will object to such a course of action as "sexist" and "ill-conceived" and "bigoted" and other hateful epithets. Their efforts must be vehemently ignored. The survival of our species is at stake!

The Math Skeptic salutes the brave women who are resisting arithmetical propaganda and refusing to conform to the one-right-answer meristocracy of the scholarlied elites!

Friday, September 12, 1980

Epidemiologists Commit Mass Avicide!

Sometimes, science just goes too far.

Well, it does that all the time. But there are a handful of times when it really goes really too far. And in the worst of the worst cases, it is the innocent who suffer. It is of the aforehavingmentioned variety that is the case of which I now speak.

For in the name of the thoroughly theoretical theories of natural selection and germ theory that the scientists and epidemiologists and biologicians are committing mass avicide down in Florida.

In what some commentators are deeming an "orgy of Darwinian violence," more than 8,500 exotic birds, ranging from tiny innocent finches to hyperintelligent parrots have been mass extincted by a group of avicidal epidemiologists from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

These pocket-protectored serial cullers claim that this drastic action is warranted due to a so-called outbreak of so-called Newcastle disease that threatened to spread to so-called poultry farms in the so-called Sunshine State. In other words, they mass-murdered the birds so a "disease" wouldn't kill other birds that were going to be killed anyway.

I find all of this highly dubious. Particularly that these jackbooted ornithuglogists were acting on the unproven and highly dubious germ theory of disease, when we know that diseases are really spread by evil spirits and bad humours. This outrageous action is an outrage, and I for one am outraged at the USDA for their outrageous action.

Leave the birds alone, Evil President Carter!

Saturday, August 16, 1980

Candidates, I Need To See Your Birth Certifications!

President Carter, Governor Reagan, and Whatever-You-Are Anderson,

Good evening, gentlemen. The Math Skeptic here. I congratulate all of you on your hard-fought nominations. Now that you have passed your party's nomination test, I have to ask you to pass the Math Skeptic test.

I need to see your birth certificates, candidates. I, and the American voting public, need to know that you are the genuine article, the real deal. We need to know that you are, indeed, human.

As we enter this exciting new decade, the threat of alien invasion is ever-present. The possibility is very real that the Manthour of Tau Ceti b or the dreaded Zarminians of the Gliese 581 system are attempting to weaken our defenses by putting one of their cloned human drones in the highest office of the most powerful nation on our planet.

Showing your Certification of Live Birth will prove to me and the rest of the electorate that you are one of us and not one of THEM.

Especially you, "President Carter." I'm still suspicious after Hairgate.