Showing posts with label Crystal Pepsi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crystal Pepsi. Show all posts

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Venturing Outside - The Live-Blog

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As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World. It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive. Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:

3:14 PM Central Standard Time

Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.

3:16 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.

3:23 PM Central Standard Time

Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous! Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!

3:27 PM Central Standard Time

My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on. Shit.

3:31 PM Central Standard Time

I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.

3:37 PM Central Standard Time

Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.

3:38 PM Central Standard Time

HOLY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!??!

3:39 PM Central Standard Time

False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.

3:47 PM Central Standard Time

TERROR! Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead. This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent. More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources. I must be even doublier-cautious.

3:56 PM Central Standard Time

Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors! Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed. A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!

4:19 PM Central Standard Time

I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible. More for me!

4:33 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Three Weeks Until The End Of The World!

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Have you started preparing for the apocalypse? If so, I congratulate you on your responsible preparedness. If not, I lambaste you for your irresponsible lack of preparedness!


This is serious, people! Unlike all of the other times I've warned of impending doom, this time the doom is ACTUALLY ABOUT TO IMPEND!

For those who care to know. I have begun my preparations for the end of the world and the post-apocalyptic nightmare that is to follow. From a source that shall remain nameless, I have acquired a year's supply of vintage Crystal Pepsi, which I have been informed will be a sought-after barterable currency in the world to come.

I have also stockpiled the obvious foodstuffs such as canned goods and canned noodles and can openers. And in case I need to perform emergency surgeries or harvest organs from the recently apocalypsed, I have a full supply of home medical supplies (most acquired legally).

And I also have four cases of cheap vodka with which to drown my sorrows for however long I survive after the world as we know it is cast into utter nightmarish disorder. These may also be useful to gain acceptance into one of the cannibal motorcycle gangs that will be roaming the world after the world has ended.

I now feel reasonably assured that I have taken adequate precautions to ensure my prolonged survival in the nightmare world to come. If you have not done the same, I can only hope that you will come to your senses in the next threeweeks.

Doom!