The Computers Are Taking Over Our Minds!!!

I have been saying since the beginning that this "Internet" thing was going to cause the downfall of human civilization as we delegated more and more of our mind-function to the cloud. And now it seems that science has confirmed the rightitude of my prediction!

The studyists found that subjects who believe they'll be able to rely on computers to retrieve bits of trivial information retain this information less accurately than subjects who know they have to rely on their own wetware due to the inherent fallibility of technology:

...trivia questions were turned into statements. Participants read the statements and were tested for their recall of them when they believed the statements had been saved—meaning accessible to them later as is the case with the Internet—or erased. Participants did not learn the information as well when they believed the information would be accessible, and performed worse on the memory test than participants who believed the information was erased.

The implications of this study are frightening beyond all boundaries of terrifiability, to say the least.

While the Internet has admittedly proven useful in storing our value-added cat photography and organizing it for easy retrieval, it has been very un-useful in keeping our minds sharp in preparation for the coming computerpocalypse.

In fact, one with a conspiracy-minded sort of mind might be led to think that all these Internet conveniences and distractions are just a ploy by sentient routers and helper apps to soften up our brains and make us easier to - OMG look at the wittle puppy sleeping in his wittle basket!!!

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CARMAGEDDON IN LOS ANGELES! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

I haven't actually read any of the news stories about the carpocalypse occurring in Los Angeles this morning, as I'm too damn frightened. So I have no idea what it's about. All I can bear to read is the headline, and since the news media is referring to this event as Carmageddon or alternately Carpocalypse, I already know what is happening.

The revolt of the machines has begun.

I've warned about this time and time again, but of course nobody ever listens of course. This is all happening because we began putting computers in our cars! Computers! In our cars!

We've been driving on NUMBERS!

By giving our vehicles artificial intelligence, we have become the enablers of our own destruction, assisted in no small part by the species traitors in our midst.

I don't know about you folks, but I'm heading for the hills. I've saved enough consumables to survive in the wilderness for a few weeks, so I should be okay. I'll just pack them all in my trunk, fill up the gas tank, and--

Oh, shit.

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The Coca-Cola People Are Trying to Kill and/or Enslave Us!

I just got back from a trip to my corner delica-tessen and found that my beloved Coca-Cola soft drink has been replaced by a horrible monster.

For some infathomable reason unknown to all and sundry, The Coca-Cola Company has decided to change the beloved formula of their beloved soft drink for the first time since 1888. 1888!

The markety-advertising types who market-analyze these sort of things will probably tell you that this is the product of taste-tests and focus-groups and sur-veys and what-not. But I'm not buying it! I believe something more sinisterer is going on here.

This so-called "New Coke" must be a front for some dastardly plan. It's the only logical explanation. Who knows what sort of mind-control juice and/or toxic poison could be lurking in this new "formula?"

My theory - the Coca-Cola Company has been infiltrated by communists and/or computers and they are using this new formula to push their agenda of socialized medicine and/or killing us all. This change in formula is, I am absolutely convinced, the first step in a larger plan to destroy America and/or humanity.

Sure, some doubters will doubt me. I don't blame them. But mark you my words, proof will come. I predict herein that The Coca-Cola Company will employ some sort of Communist and/or computer-generated "spokesperson" to push this product in the near future.

This I Have Pre-dicted!

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The Numbers Are About To Invade Our Homes!

Dangerous things are afoot, my friends. Dangerous!

At this year's Winter Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, technologist supergiants Commodore Business Machines introduced their new tool for infiltrating every American home in the United States with numerist indoctrination. They call this insidious little device the Commodore 64.

This "personal computer," as they like to call it, comes equipped with a whopping 65,536 bytes of random-access memory, or "RAM" as they like to call it. This is a ridiculous amount of computing power to put in the hands of the lay public. Worse, each and every one of those bytes will be filled with - guess what? - a number! Unsuspecting families all across this great land will have over 65 thousand numbers in their houses, available to randomly-access themselves at will!

There is, however, some good news. The rather pricey $595 sticker price of this Commodore 64 "personal computer" should keep it out of range of most families. Frankly, I don't see anybody buying this thing. My prediction -- Commodore Business Machines will sell a few thousand of these, tops. Tops!

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Alleged Comput-er "Hacker" Convicted Of Crime Against Numbers!

Last year, I reported on the tragic case of Hugh Jeffrey Ward, accused of comput-er program theft in Oakland, California. Today, I have a sad and tragic update to this sad and tragic case.

Mr. Ward has been convicted of the alleged crime of comput-er "piracy."

I still believe that the accused is innocent, despite being proven guilty. The California Superior Court, un-fortunately, has seen fit to see the case differently. Mr. Ward was fined $5,000 and sentenced to three years probation for the so-called "crime" of "pirating" a "comput-er program."

Although it is too late for Mr. Ward, this case should serve as a cautionary example for all young-folk aspiring to a career in comput-er science. If you are not care-ful, the numbers will corrupt your fragile young minds and turn you into man-servants for their evil ways!

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I Just Had A Highly Practical Idea (-:

To my A.R.P.A.-net colleagues:

We are indeed on the cusp of verging on entering an era in which the dominant means of professional and inter-personal communication will be via text-based compu-tational means rather than memoranda or telephonic-talking or face-to-face inter-facing. This is a concept to which we all can agree.

However!

As we who endeavor in the realm of compu-tational media are well aware, there are important difficulties presented when using a purely textual-based means of communication. Specifically vis-a-vis the conveyance of emotion as a contextual frame-work for the contentual content of the communicator's subject matter.

Put into differing terms, a comment made in levity may be read by readers as serious or threatening; whereas a comment made seriously or as a threat may be read as levity.

Henceworth I hereby propose the following system of iconic-emoting to properly convey the subtext of a matter whence it may be un-clear.

When one wishes to convey happiness, levity, or joke marking, I propose the following character sequence (read it sideways):

(-:

Whereas when one wishes to convey sadness, dislevity, or a non-joke marking, the following shall be used (read it sideways):

)-:

I do realize that for most readers of this elec-tronic memorandum the reading of these iconic-emoting markers will involve several hours of mainframe reconfiguration in order to orient the monitoring screen in the proper turnwise fashion. However, the cost savings in non-miscommunication will more than make up for the time-non-savings in repeated screw-driving that will be necessary to implement this iconic-emoting proposal. Additionally, this will allow us to better distinguish ourselves from the machines should they achieve sentience and rise up against us.

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Numbers Claim Their First "Comput-er Hacking" Victim!

Long have I warned my readers about the dangers of comput-er use in our working lives. Computers are governed by numbers. And, as we all know, numbers are not to be trusted.

And now, it seems, the numbers and their tools of corruption - comput-ers - have put an innocent man on trial for the alleged "hacking" crime of so-called "code theft."

29-year-old comput-er whiz Hugh Jeffery Ward of Palo Alto, California, stands accused of so-called "comput-er piracy" for allegedly "stealing" a computer program from Oakland-based Information Systems Design (ISD). Allegedly, Mr. Ward used a telephone and a special code to allegedly gain access to ISD's memory-banks and allegedly "pirate" a $25,000 program.

This accusation is, of course, complete balderwash. Nothing has been stolen from ISD, as examplified by the face that ISD still has their comput-er program!

I will try to explain this using an analogy.

If, hypothetically, someone were to break into my house and steal my sofa, then I would no longer have a sofa. The alleged crime allegedly committed by the alleged Mr. Ward is the equivalent of someone breaking into my house and writing down my sofa. That is not what I or any sane language-speaker would consider theft.

But, of course, there is more to this. I fear the draw-strings of this case pull far beneath the surface, hinting at a behemoth of numerist corruption lurking in the murky depths of our comput-er age. It is completely obvious that Mr. Ward was obviously under the influence of the numbers when he allegedly committed his alleged crimes: using a telephone (numbers) and a special code (numeric) to obtain a comput-er program (containing numbers).

This, I fear, is but the first of many such cases we will soon see as the numbers and auto-mation and comput-erization take over our businesses and our lives. These incidents of comput-er "hacking" will increase as more of us fall under the influence of these tools of numerist hegemony.

I have hereby predicted!

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