As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World.
It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive.
Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:
3:14 PM Central Standard Time
Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.
3:16 PM Central Standard Time
I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.
3:23 PM Central Standard Time
Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous!
Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!
3:27 PM Central Standard Time
My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on.
Shit.
3:31 PM Central Standard Time
I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.
3:37 PM Central Standard Time
Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.
3:38 PM Central Standard Time
HOLY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!??!
3:39 PM Central Standard Time
False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.
3:47 PM Central Standard Time
TERROR!
Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead.
This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent.
More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources.
I must be even doublier-cautious.
3:56 PM Central Standard Time
Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors!
Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed.
A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!
4:19 PM Central Standard Time
I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible.
More for me!
4:33 PM Central Standard Time
I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not
The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!
The Post-Apocalyptic World President issues the following statement to commemorate the First Christmas of the Post-Apocalyptic World:
Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,
Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.
And He has.
Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.
In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.
Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.
But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.
And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.
Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.
But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.
I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.
Festively yours,
The Math Skeptic Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President
As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.
Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.
And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:
Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.
So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.
Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.
It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.
Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.
Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.
Also, vodka.
Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.
I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.
There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.
But by some miracle, I am still here.
It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.
One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.
Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.
Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.
Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.
OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT
2:39 PM Central Standard Time
The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE
The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.
My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!
1:38 PM Central Standard Time
I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.
While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!
NOTHING!
The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!
It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.
Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!
This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!
12:48 PM Central Standard Time
Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.
Horrible!
The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!
Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!
12:02 AM Central Standard Time
WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!
11:12 AM Central Standard Time
I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!
I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!
Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.
So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!
10:59 AM Central Standard Time
THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!
10:46 AM Central Standard Time
As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!
10:24 AM Central Standard Time
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?
That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!
Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!
Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!
THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!
10:16 AM Central Standard Time
Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!
09:41 AM Central Standard Time
Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.
Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.
08:37 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.
Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.
07:19 AM Central Standard Time
False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!
It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!
07:02 AM Central Standard Time
Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?
06:21 AM Central Standard Time
Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!
Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!
01:31 AM Central Standard Time
starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.
12:44 AM Central Standard Time
Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!
12:08 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.
I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!
Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"
And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.
After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.
But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.
In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse
Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
Panic
Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
Panic
Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.
And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.
I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!
Sincerely, The Math Skeptic
P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!
I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!
In a shocking preapocalyptic development, NASA has announced that two of its lunar-orbiting spacecraft have crashed into the Moon!
And! According to the scienticians and engineerlings at NASA, the crash of the GRAIL probes - nicknamed Arthur and Patsy - was deliberate.
To which I say BALDERWASH!
You may or may not be a movie "buff" and therefore may or may not get this "reference" but if you recall the 1985 movie Pee-Wee Herman Has A Big Adventure, there is a scene in which the title character falls off his bike or crashes into a biker bar or knocks over a wooden dinosaur or something, then gets up and dusts himself off and says "I meant to do that."
Well I assert that NASA just did the same thing!
Why would NASA deliberately crash some perfectly good space-ships into The Moon when they could easily leave them in orbit indefinitely as a lasting symbol of our space-faring prowess?
The answer: the Moon has MOVED!
It's the only logical explanation!
The Moon, likely succumbing to peer pressure from Mars and Jupiter, has shifted its own "orbit" around the Earth, confusing the GRAIL ships and causing them to smack into a MOON MOUNTAIN! NASA, not wanting to admit that they have lost track of the Moon's meanderings, concocted this "deliberate" "crash" story as a "red" "herring"!
NASA has been caught red-handed this time in a lie of deceit. And unlike Pee-Wee Herman, they won't be able to dance their way out of it!
Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.
This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.
However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.
AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!
This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.
I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.
The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.
Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.
Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"
Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".
And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.
In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.
It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:
Seven gallons of distilled water
Seven gallons of distilled vodka
One pair of heavy-duty goggles
One geiger counter
Clean socks
Two gallons of bleach
Matches
A stack of old newspapers
A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
Insect repellant
Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
Seven pairs of gardening gloves
A can opener
Canned and/or freeze-dried food
Motorcycle
Flashlight with extra batteries
Battery-powered radio
English-Russian phrasebook
Pruning shears
Sewing kit
Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
A clean scarf
Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.
Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.
With these preparations in place, you just might survive.
Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.
There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd:
The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.
This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.
The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.
If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!
In these preapocalyptic days, it's always nice to hear some good news. And we got some great news today courtesy of the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study. Fourth- and eighth-grade students in the United States were far outranked in math and science by their peers in Europe and Asia, demonstrating that American students remain the best in the civilized world at resisting mathematico-scientific indoctrination.
But!
This is not a time for complacency. According to the results of the study - and putting aside for a moment the inherent fallibility of numbers - United Statesian students are still scoring above average. Worse, the average 8th grade science score has been steadily rising since 1995.
This means that the forces of mathematical and scientific proselytization have been hard at work like busy beavers over the past few decades, and show no signs of stopping in the near future. Assuming they survive the coming worldwide destruction of the world, they will continue to push the unproven religion of math and scientific inquiry on our innocent youth.
Still, I remain confident in our ability to overcome the forces of factism. The bells of academic freedom will soon ring all across this great nation, and lo, they will toll for me and the rest of the skeptics of math among us.
Assuming we survive the next two weeks, of course.
Well, suffice it to say that my preparations for the impending apocalypse have hit a minor snag.
It is a well-established fact that the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come will be ruled by warring cannibal motorcycle gangs. This is simply the default human response to a breakdown of law and order - we return to our baser instincts and resort to tribalism and motorcycle maintenance. We need only to look at current events in power vacuums such as Somalia and Tennessee to see evidence of this.
So thusfore my post-apocalyptic survival plan has been to join -- or preferably start -- a cannibal motorcycle gang. I already have most or the prerequisite qualities: ability to lead, charming good looks, rugged individualism, and a callous disregard for human life. The only element I'm missing is a motorcycle.
Not a problem, I thought. I can always buy one. So this morning I withdrew some money from my savings account (mattress) and took the bus to my local motor-cycle store ready to make this absolutely necessary for my future survival purchase.
At first, the smarmy goatee-clad salesman was friendly enough. But he seemed to turn suspicious when I asked him if the brake pedal was on the left or the right in this particular model - a perfectly legitimate question under the circumstances, I would think! He then began to interrogate me with a number of insulting, personal questions: how long have I been riding, when did get my license, have I been drinking, do I even know how to drive, and what have you.
The smarmy salesgoatee was un-abated in his questioning even when I brandished a wad of cash, saying he was "uncomfortable" selling a "motor vehicle" to me.
Apparently the power-clad overreaching liberals in the government have made it illegal to drive a motorcycle without a license. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA!
No doubt, this is undoubtedly part of the government's plan - to keep us powerless and motorcycle-less when the end comes. And the motor-cycle dealerships are all in on the conspiracy, hoarding all the half-cars for themselves so they'll have an ample post-apocalyptic supply. I'm on to you, Mr. Salesgoatee! You are most assuredly not welcome in MY gang!
You see, my neighbor Dave owns a motorcycle. He is one of those pseudo-skeptic science-believers who refuses to accept predictions of the coming doomsday, and has not made any preparations whatsoever for the post-apocalyptic world to come. So I expect that he'll be one of the first to die, after which I will easily acquire his motorcycle without any resistance.
In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.
This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.
The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!
And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:
And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer. Revelation, 6:1-2
If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.
"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice.
I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."
One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.
Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.
The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.
At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)
The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.
There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.
What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.
A shocking exposé of climate science by James Lawrence Powell, executive director of the National Physical Science Consortium, has uncovered what I have been saying about Global Warming since the 1970s. It is nothing less than a gigantic conspiracy coordinated by thousands of scientists over more than 40 years.
Powell, author of The Inquisition of Climate Science, studied nearly fourteen thousand journal articles published between 1991 and 2012 about "global warming" or "climate change." Of these, a grand total of 24 rejected the theory of global warming.
The author justfied his findings thusly:
Anyone can repeat this search and post their findings. Another reviewer would likely have slightly different standards than mine and get a different number of rejecting articles. But no one will be able to reach a different conclusion, for only one conclusion is possible: Within science, global warming denial has virtually no influence. Its influence is instead on a misguided media, politicians all-too-willing to deny science for their own gain, and a gullible public.
Of course, we skeptics know that this is merely a cover story for a far more nefarious collusion between the climate scientists and their number-controlled masters to enslave humanity via arithmetic. The fact that so few scientists are publishing anti-climate articles proves this. After all - as we all know - absence of evidence is evidence of a conspiracy.
Not that it matters, of course, as there are less than four weeks left before the world ends. But I salute Mr. Powell for his courageous undercover reporting, exposing this conspiracy in the little time we have left.
If you've ever had any doubts about the depths to which the numbers have invaded and pervaded our culture and society, look no further than this shocking article I am
writing at this very moment.
Our schools have become so entranced by arithmetofascism that they have now begun using students to indoctrinate their fellow students with mathematical propaganda. Under the innocent-sounding guise of "peer education," school systems are obeying their numerist masters by proxy, turning innocent older children into math missionaries spreading the gospel of arithmetic to even innocenter younger children.
This insidous outrage was recently exposed by some investigative reporting by a local news station in Butler County, Missouri. KFVS-12 News gathered this shocking story - I can only assume - by enrolling one of their undercover reporters into an elementary school in Poplar Bluff, Missouri disguised as a first grader. What this courageous - and I presume short-statured - reporter uncovered during the investigation was nothing less than shocking:
Earlier this school year, Eugene Field Elementary School fourth grader Maraleigh Buss entered Kelli Spitze's first grade classroom and asked the teacher whether her students did their math homework.
...
Maraleigh is among over a dozen fourth grade teaching assistants who have volunteered to give up their special class periods—art, gym, library and music—to tutor first and second grade math students who may require some extra attention, according to school officials.
...
"She gets kids engaged right from the get-go," said Spitze, who began utilizing teaching assistants in her classroom last school year. "Sometimes children learn from their older peers much quicker. They are just more ready to be open-minded in that setting."
An extreme comparison? Perhaps - but only if you consider the slippery slope to be a logical fallacy. As far as I'm concerned, children tutoring each other in math is just one sloping slip away from uniformed young thugs recruiting other kids to serve in the Math-ler Youth.
It's times like this that I'm almost glad the world is going to end in four weeks. Because a world in which babies are indoctrinating babies with arithmetical propaganda is not one I wish to continue.
Have you started preparing for the apocalypse? If so, I congratulate you on your responsible preparedness. If not, I lambaste you for your irresponsible lack of preparedness!
This is serious, people! Unlike all of the other times I've warned of impending doom, this time the doom is ACTUALLY ABOUT TO IMPEND!
For those who care to know. I have begun my preparations for the end of the world and the post-apocalyptic nightmare that is to follow. From a source that shall remain nameless, I have acquired a year's supply of vintage Crystal Pepsi, which I have been informed will be a sought-after barterable currency in the world to come.
I have also stockpiled the obvious foodstuffs such as canned goods and canned noodles and can openers. And in case I need to perform emergency surgeries or harvest organs from the recently apocalypsed, I have a full supply of home medical supplies (most acquired legally).
And I also have four cases of cheap vodka with which to drown my sorrows for however long I survive after the world as we know it is cast into utter nightmarish disorder. These may also be useful to gain acceptance into one of the cannibal motorcycle gangs that will be roaming the world after the world has ended.
I now feel reasonably assured that I have taken adequate precautions to ensure my prolonged survival in the nightmare world to come. If you have not done the same, I can only hope that you will come to your senses in the next threeweeks.
For more than a decade and a half, high school students in the frigid northern wasteland of Minnesota have suffered under the evil GRAD Regime. The Minnesota Graduation-Required Assessments for Diploma is a standardized test students must pass in order to graduate.
And, as you've probably already guessed, these poor students are being forced to use math on this test. And due to the well-known inherent fallibility of numbers, as many as one-third of Minnesotish students fail the exam every year.
Without passing, the students will be unable to graduate, will not be allowed to go on to college, and will be forced to spend the rest of their lives toiling in one Minnesota's notorious lake mines. (If they had the rest of their lives, of course, but since the world ends in a bit over four weeks it's a bit of a moot point).
Thankfully, a courageous group of Minnesotical teachers are standing up to the madness, and are calling for an end to the arithmetical attacks on their students. They are standing up to the one-right-answer despotism of the testing regime and urging the school board of Minnesota to end the arithmetofascism once and for all.
The Math Skeptic applauds this development and supports the educators in their fight, but thinks it does not go far enough. The fact remains that Minnesotian schools are still teaching math in their classes, needlessly exposing their innocent students to the inherent evil of numbers and their crafty arithmetical ways.
To say that science and the Great Flood Theory have had a rocky relationship would be an understatement. It would be somewhat more accurate to say that science has been actively trying to suppress, oppress, and thoroughly delegitimize the legitimate study of how all plant and animal life survived a worldwide flood by getting on board a giant boat for a month and a half. The most accurate statement one could make is that the upstart science of science has tried desperately to ensmallen the study of flood-ology so small that they can drown it in an ark-sized bathtub.
Of course, the floodologists are at a disadvantage to begin with. The evidence decks are nondoubtedly stacked against them, what with all of the evidence from geology, biology, zoology, ornithology, botanology, and paleontology failing to provide a shred of evidence for the Great Flood.
There is one field that does provide evidence for the Flood, however - the time-honored study of baraminology. This classificational science classifies animals and/or plants into a taxonomy of kinds, a taxonomical structure that is far superior to traditional Linnaean taxonomy and genetical-based cladistical taxonomy because it provides evidence for the Flood story that we already know to be true.
Naturally, the so-called legitimate classificationalists are using everything under the 6,000-year-old Sun to squelch the study of kinds. The scientifico-mathematical cabal has conspired to keep this kind of Kind science out of the textbooks and journals, refusing to give it a well-deserved handicap that would put it on par with the biologically-based taxonomies.
The latest weapon in the hands of the scienticians?
Sarcasm.
Noted science-pusher PZ Myers belittles a perfectly legitimate report by Answers in Genesis that painstakingly classifies all the mammals on the Ark into 137 biblically-correct Kinds on the basis that one of her happens to be a stuffed koala.
Outrage!
Dr. Myers typically refuses to consider the possibility that plushies were and still are an extant species. Evidence of fossilized stuffed animals has been found all through the archaeological and fossilogical record, with many living in the wild today. The fact that we rarely see them in their natural habitat and only see them dead on toy store shelves is simply evidence that science is conspiring to hide all evidence of the plushie clade.
Shame on you, Dr. Myers, for your cynical dismissal of the mountains of evidence for ancient plushies!
It has recently come to my attention that the world is coming to an end on December 21 of this year - exactly one month from now. I have obtained this top-secret information from various top-secret sites on the Internet. It is now an absolute certainty that we are going to collide with another planet or a comet or a giant space dragon on December 21, 2012. With this many people writing about it, it must be true!
This is not a drill, people, this is the REAL THING!
The obvious thing to do is panic. That much is obvious. The important thing to note is that you need to space out your panicking over the course of the coming month so that you will still have enough panic left for the end of the world.
If you have been following the news as I have, you are no doubt aware that a catastrophical hurricane is on its way up the eastern seaboard right now. However, if you have been getting your news from the brain-dead LIE-beral media you probably don't know the true origins of this nefarious storm.
The meteorologists and climatologists and what-not would have you believe that this storm is simply a naturally-occurring phenomenon, what with air masses and ocean temperatures and water vapor combining naturally to create a tropical depression that then evolves purely by natural forces into a hurricane, fueled along the way by climate change.
To which I say BALDERWASH!
This storm is nothing less than a brutal attack on humanity by the numbers!
Think about it - the weather and the numbers have been conspiring ever since the dawn of meteorology. How do we measure temperature? Numbers. Barometric pressure? Numbers. Wind speed? Numbers. Precipitation? Numbers. We even use numbers to denote the strength of hurricanes.
Given the close personal relationship between the weather and the numbers, it should come as no surprise that the numbers have now begun to control the weather!
In a shocking development sure to shock you all, NASA's new Curiosity rover has now revealed itself for what it really is: an interplanetary weapon of mass destruction.
Chilling imagery of the Mars Science Laboratory's destructive rampage.
Disguised with the innocuous-sounding name "ChemCam," the roving weaponized laser has begun the systematic process of destroying the Red Planet. The only mystery is why. Is it a preventative strike to put off an impending Martian attack? Is it an attempt to cover up Manthourian Mars bases before they can be discovered? Is Mars blocking our view of Jupiter? Only the mystery knows for sure.
The other uncertainty is how the other planets will react to this unprovoked invasion of the outermost of the terrestrial planets. We can only assume that they will react in usual planetary fashion - with an onslaught of Earth-crossing asteroids launched in our direction.
Those of us versed in the ways of astrology know full well that this is nothing to celebrate. It is only a matter of time before the winged planet Mercury becomes annoyed by this annoyance and decides to punish us with an asteroid or two.
The basic fact that the eggheads at NASA/Johns Hopkins University fail to understand is that some planets simply do not wish to be orbited. If Mercury wanted a moon, don't you think it would already have one?
NASA is playing with doom on this one, folks. If the world were not already scheduled for an apocalypse on December 21 of this year, I'd say our MESSENGER-meddling was a dire threat to human civilization!
Once again, the tried-and-true medical practice of homeopathy is under attack by the evidence-baseists and conventional-medicine-pushers. Despite the mounting mountain of evidence that homeopathic medicine works for everything from gout to goiter to gout cancer, the medicinalists insist that the two-century-old practice of homeopathy doesn't work.
The latest hit piece comes from a prolific anti-pseudoscience writerist. And to add insult to insult, he uses numbers to assert his ludicrous conclusion that homeopathy doesn't work.
Numbers!
Perhaps most insulting of the insulting insults is the attack on the fundamental foundation of homeopathic medicine - the fact that water has memory.
Despite what the skeptics and anti-pseudoscientists say, water remembers. To prove this, I conducted an experiment. The raw data of this experiment follows, for those who care for data and evidence and all of that silliness.
9:15 am: Poured glass of water into ice cube tray. Put tray into freezer.
10:26 am: Water has turned into ice! Removed ice cubes, returned them to glass.
12:02 pm: Ice has melted back into water. Poured water back into ice cube tray.
1:37 pm: Water has remembered how to become ice! Removed ice cubes, returned them to glass.
3:12 pm: Ice has remembered how to be water! Poured water back into ice cube tray.
4:42 pm: Surprise! Water has remembered how to become ice again!
As any fool can plainly see, water is quite good at remembering how to go from ice to water and back again, without ever turning into orange juice or blood or single-malt scotch or lava. Water remembers. And don't you forget it!
It seems like you can't even open a book, magazine, or an Internet these days without being exposed to more propaganda from the round-Earth illuminati. These self-proclaimed all-knowing knowledgists seem to think they have a monopoly on controversial topics like heliocentrism and the shape of the Earth.
Well I, for one, am here to inform them that they are wrong. Dead wrong. And I will fight their propaganda at every turn.
The author, no doubt a card-carrying member of the Round Earth Heliocentrist Cabal (REHC) tries to explain the daily magic light show of twilight with physics, astronomy, and a heaping helping of heliocentric propaganda. All without dedicating as much as one sentence to the other side of the debate. There is not a mention of the flat-Earth explanation for twilight, nor is there even a hint about the not yet unproven Infinite Turtle Theory explaining how the Earth maintains its place at the center of the Universe.
This isn't just about one little article, mind you, but about a vast and far-reaching conspiracy to hide the turtlish truth from the masses. As we know, NASA has been Photoshopping all evidence of the world-turtles out of their space photos since the early 1960s, when they invented Photoshop. In collaboration with the Soviets, Chinese, Japanese, Europes, and other rocketeering nations, they have conspired to keep the teeming masses from learning the truth about our turtle-born disc-shaped planet.
Well, I hereby pledge that I will not be fooled by their propaganda. The turtle truth will be revealed!
Alternative science is always fighting an uphill battle against the juggernaut of mainstream consensusism. Homeopathic medicine is under attack by Big Pharma, creation science is under attack by Big Darwin, and the Astrologers are still in a perpetual state of Cold War with the astronomers.
Now, the shills for so-called "mainstream science" have turned their rhetorical aggression on the perfectly legitimate alternative geology of Hollow Earth theory.
This geologic theory states that our planet is not a solid ball of rock and liquid rock, but a hollow shell with an inner sun in which a race of reptilian bipeds live and also Nazis. This is perfectly legitimate science! The fact that mainstream anti-freedom science consistently denies the existence of such a realm is concrete proof of its existence.
Using the formula T = 2π √ a3 / μ, we can derive the Earth's mass. Using orbit 3,545, for example, by plugging in the Space Station's semi-major axis of 6,763,330.03 meters and its orbital period of 5,542.24 seconds (derived by dividing the Mean Motion figure of 15.58933883 revolutions per day into 86,400, the total number of seconds in a day), we get a mass of 5.9722 × 1024 kg.
Right. As if MATH ever proved anything!
We all know that numbers are in on the conspiracy to keep the truth from us. This hit piece is more proof that the numbers are conspiring with the reptiles. And the Nazis.
