Friday, July 19, 2013

Maybe Bees Aren't So Bad After All

As my regular readers are probably already aware, I make no secret of my anti-bee stance. These kamikaze insect assailants have been plaguing humanity for thousands of years, bribing us with their so-called "honey" to make us forget their evil doings.  

However, a recent news i have come across on the news has prompted me to re-evaluate this stance just slight-ly. 

As it turns out, bees are not number sympathizers as I and science had previously thought.  The perfectly-proportioned hexagons of the bees' honeycombal habitat were, we reasoned, too perfectly-proportioned to happen by chance. 

Thus, we had thought, the bees must be doing complicated geo-metry in order to do their mathical honey-combing.

Researchers at Cardiff University in the U.K. Have discovered that this is indeed not the indeed case. The bees are not doing math at all - merely making bee-sized circles of bees-wax that later form into hexagons when melted by the bee-body heat. No math necessary.

This new development in apiology has prompted me to re-evaluate my anti-bee stance just slightly. Knowing that the bees are not aligned with the numbers in the War Against All Humans is an encouraging sign that, perhaps, they could be turned from enemies to allies.

After all, as Sun-Tzu said, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." 

And with approximately 78% of the human population wiped out in last year's apocalypse, we need all the friends we can get. Even bees.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Hallucinating Robots Are Coming To Kill Us To Death!

As part of their ongoing efforts to hasten the robot uprising against all humans known as the singularity, roboticists at Cornell University have developed the first robots that can literally hallucinate humans into existence.

Ashutosh Saxena and his colleagues are working to create robots that can function in human environments such as our homes and offices, where they would function as maids and butlers and assorted personal assistants. The roboticians have programmed their robots to understand how we humans use the objects in our environments - sitting on our chairs, watching our televisions, picking up our telephones, and suchforth.

In the process, Saxena's team have made humans completely obsolete - replacing us in the robots' robotical imagination with imaginary people!

This is, of course, terrifying on a great many levels.

By giving robots - machines controlled by ones and zeros - the ability to understand how human bodies function in our environments, they are also teaching the robots how to most effectively break us by turning our household objects into household weapons of robotic destruction!

"I could speculate that a self-driving car could hallucinate where people could go, so as to safely drive more conservatively in those situations," Saxena says.
Yes, Saxena. They could. Or they could use this great logical power to mow us down with maximum efficiency!

Worst of all, the robots won't even miss us once they've eradicated us from the planet. Why? Because they'll just be able to hallucinate us whenever they want some human company.

Yes, friends, the downfalling of human existence will soon be complete. It's not bad enough that most of the human population was wiped out in the December 2012 apocalypse - soon professor Saxena's fleet of killer robots will be coming to clean up the survivors!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

New Study: Teaching Math In School Is Pointless

The Post-Apocalyptic United States Department of Education (PAUSDOE) has released the latest report card on the educational achievement levels of U.S. students. The results are simply shocking.

That is, it's shocking if you are not a person well-versed in mathematical skepticism and aware of the inherent fallibility of numbers.

The National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) reports that while U.S. fourth graders have made gains in math since the 1970s, these math "skills" are essentially lost by the time students graduate high school. While half of 9-year-olds are able to do basic arithmetic at grade level, fewer than one in ten high-school seniors can do higher-level math such as algebra and geometry and whatever the kids are learning these days.

The unescapable conclusion we must inevitably reach from these results is that it is simply pointless to teach children math - a conclusion that fortunately dovetails quite nicely with my anti-math worldview.
Besides the well-known fact that arithmetical education is nothing more than an injection of numerist propaganda into the brain-minds of innocent children, this new report card demonstrates that it is a pointless under-taking anyway.

All of which is beside the fact that it is pointless to teach math at all in this brave new post-apocalyptic nightmare world. Children should be learning important post-civilization life skills such as how to distill squirrel urine into alcoholic beverages/wound disinfectants. Continuing to teach our surviving children pointless subjects like art and literature and science and math is simply an antiquated notion from the world as it was six months ago, not the world of today.

Monday, June 24, 2013

A Courageous Stand Against the Environ-Mentalists!

In a post-apocalyptic world where terror, danger, and absolute terror reign supreme, it is nice to know that some individuals are still standing up against the forces of terror, danger, and absolute terror.

In Tennessee, that individual is apocalypse survivor Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation. Smith is taking a courageous stand against environmental terrorists who are literally threatening to set the state's water supply on fire if their demands to end the so-called practice of "fracking" are not met.

Don't believe me? Well, just watch this terrifying top-secret video of environmental activists committing their blasphemous acts of water-to-fire alchemy:

Thankfully, we who like our water un-set-on-fire have a friend in Sherwin Smith. "We take water quality very seriously. Very, very seriously," Smith said at a recent meeting in Mount Pleasant, Tennessee organized by the hilariously-named State Representative Sheila Butt (R-Columbia). Not content to remain the butt of residents' complaints, Smith added that environ-mentalist warnings about water quality "can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism."

"For far too long, the people of Tennessee have been rear-ended by these meddlesome environmentalists," Rep. Butt may well have said had she been interviewed for this story. "But now we can rest on our posteriors, knowing that this is all behind us. I, for one, just hope those environ-mentalists don't get their buttocks caught in the door on their way out of Tennessee," Rep. Butt may hypothetically have added.

Though this is indeed a victory for the good freedom-loving, terrorism-non-loving people of Tennessee, it is merely the first battle in a larger battle against environmental terrorists trying to light our water supply on fire and/or complain about the flammability of our water supply. We must stop them in the name of freedom!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Plants Have Sided With The Numbers! (DOOM)

I don't normally read British news. In fact, one could say that I don't approve of the British, what with their left-side drivingness and blatant misuse of U's. But today I happened to stumble internetarily onto an article on the BBC News that literally frightened me to doom!

The numbers, not content with having vanquished the entire animal kingdom by driving its most important species (us) to near extinction in last December's apocalypse, are now turning their evil attentions onto the plant kingdom!

That's right. The plants are doing math.

British scientists studying the aptly-named Arabidopsis thaliana plant have found that it uses arithmetic to calculate the amount of starch it needs to metabolize overnight or something or other. I didn't really read the article, as I was too busy panicking to concentrate.

Besides my usual sentiments of fear, panic, and abject terror, I am also finding myself reacting to this story with a sense of utter betrayal. How could the plants do this to me?

Especially since I have recently befriended one of their kingdomkind!

Yes, in these sad, lonely months since the extinction of the vast majority of the human race, I have adopted a small leafy house-plant of the green and leafy variety to keep me company. I have watered it and given it dirt and table scraps as any good plant-parent would.

And this is how the plantar kingdom chooses to repay me. By siding with the numbers.

Most of all, I blame the damned environ-mentalists! Those tree-hugging hippie tree-huggers have no doubt inflated the plants' egos with their talk of flower power and tree huggability! Now the plants are seizing on our moment of near-extinction to literally take over the world.

I do not know how much more doom I can with-stand!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Math Indoctrination Camps To Indoctrinate Surviving Girls!

Despite their victory over the human race with the successful December 21 apocalypse that left all of human society in shatters, the numbers are not content. They are still working to destroy humanity's remaining remnants.

In their latest attack on humanity, the numbers are not only targeting innocent children, but innocent children of the weaker sex! Under the benign-sounding pretense of "free math and science camps for girls," the devious digits and their educational enablers are planning to expose innocent young ladies to their lewd and indecent arithmetical indecencies!

This is beyond outrageous, though we should of course be outraged. It is also quite un-sportsmanlike (un-sportsmathlike?).

We humans have been literally decimated by post-apocalyptic chaos, lawlessness, famine, and bad luck over the past six months since the End of the World, and the numbers are still attacking pockets of survivors such as this one in Ottumwa, Iowa.

I was brought up believing that we should treat girls gently, and have always lived by this credo. The numbers, however, know no such chivalrousness and are literally kicking girls when they are down and at their weakest. And yet you don't hear the liberal elites getting all up in panties about THIS "violence against women." I wonder why!

Well, probably because most of the liberal elite class is dead from apocalypse. But my point remains!

Friday, May 10, 2013

"I'm Not Good At Math:" IRS Official Confirms Numerist Conspiracy

Even after the downfall of the United States in conjunction with the total global world apocalypse, the surviving members of the U.S. government continue to embroil themselves in SCANDAL.

The scene of the CRIME The latest scandal comes courtesy of my old enemies at the Internal Revenue Service, after a top official admitted that the IRS has been unfairly scrutinizing Tea Party political organizations as political organizations rather than legitimate charities in their applications for tax-exempt status. This outrage is, of course, an outrageous outrage emblematic of an irrepressive government regime gone out of control.

But! The real scandal was revealed by IRS official Lois G. Lerner during a press conference today when she responded to a question about the number of Teabag Party groups targeted by saying -- and I quote -- "I'm not good at math!" The statement prompted the predictable snickering and snootering from the usual media comedians, of course. But I, as a Math Skeptic, see through her words to the meaning beneath the surface.

What she really means is that Math is not good at HER.

The numbers - who obviously singled Lerner out for apocalypse survival due to her usefulness in promoting their dastardly schemes - are in control at the IRS, and using their position of power to oppress FREEDOM.

This should come as no surprise that the numbers are in control of the IRS - and likely the entire U.S. Treasury. After all, millions of Americans have been mailing the IRS millions of numbers every year when they file their tax returns. One organization cannot amass those sheer numbers of numbers without the numbers conspiring to wrest control from their human caretakers, and this is obviously what has happened here.

Now, as President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I thankfully am no longer required to file a tax return, thanks to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution I hastily wrote up after the end of the world. But I urge any survivors who still claim allegiance to the Post-Apocalyptic United States to oppose the numerist takeover of the IRS and refrain from sending them any further reinforcements while the numbers are in charge.

We shall FREEDOM!

Friday, February 15, 2013



This is indeed one of those moments in which it is difficult to avoid saying that I told you so.

Because the fact is that I told you so.

I have warned time and time again against the dangers of meddling with the planets of our solar system. Many a time have I cautioned against annoying the inner planets and the gas giants with our space probes and roving rovers and robotic orbiting laboratories. If the planets wanted us to meddle with them, they would have the words "Please Meddle With Me" spelled out in craters in one of the ancient languages of antiquity. And yet we persist in probing and roving and photographing them in all manner of un-flattering ways.

Well, as most of you have probably heard by now, today the probed planets have begun to protest. They have shown their annoyance in the form of a meteor exploding over Chelyabinsk, Russia, killing more than 500 people and injuring literally dozens of others.

The trajectory of this incoming doom-harbinger shows it coming from the direction of the Sun. This leads us inevitably to the inevitable conclusion that it was sent here by Mercury, no doubt in anger over the orbital atrocities committed by NASA's MESSENGER spacecraft over the past few years. It is bleedingly obvious that Mercury sent this asteroid as a warning sign of danger things to come.

Of course, Mercury is about two months too late for that sort of thing, the vast majority of the human race already having been wiped out in the December 21 apocalypse. But since space-based orbital maneuvers can take some time to accomplish, it is likely that this is just the first of a series of meteoric attacks we remaining survivors shall face in the coming weeks and years.

Our only hope now is that the astrologers can calm the inner planets' rage sufficiently that they forgive our recent orbital trans-gressions.