We Have Angered The Ringed Planet

The Astronomers and Astrologers are equally befuddled by a massive storm that has erupted in the clouds of Saturn, the ringiest of our twelve planets. The Earth-sized storm, dubbed "Ouroboros" by Astronomer Phil Plait, has now wrapped completely around the planet, putting an angry-looking unibrow on Saturn's reflective face.

And, of course, the Astronomers think they have it all figured out, attributing the storm to "natural causes" and the "shadow of the rings" as Saturn enters its "northern spring."

Hogwash, I say!

It is simply not possible to predict the "orbits" of distant planets using the inherently inaccurate theory of arithmetics, so we cannot know what season it is on other planets. This is just another NASA coverup, assisted by their astronomer allies.

The simple truth NASA does not want to admit is this: Saturn is angry with us. We have bothered her by buzzing her rings and her moons with our Cassini space-probe - named for Astronomer Giovanni Cassini, who was felled by Astrologer assassins in 1712. Now Saturn is showing her anger at Earth with this Earth-sized storm.

It's the only logical explanation. And I warned NASA this was going to happen, too.

Did they listen? Of course not.

I can only hope that the Astrologers can calm her down before she decides to throw one of her moons at us.

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NASA Putting Us All In Danger!

Once again, those braniac poindexters at NASA are playing fast-and-loose with the solar system, sending yet another probe to annoy one of our planetary neighbors.


The Cassini-Huygens probe, named for two 17th-Century casualties of the Astronomy-Astrology War, is scheduled to launch today en route to Saturn, the ringy majestic gas giant in our outer solar system.

However, instead of just flying by like probes of old, Cassini is going to stick around the ringed planet, circling her and her moons for years in the name of "scientific science."

How thoroughly irresponsible! This is going to do nothing but irritate and antagonize our Saturnian neighbor, potentially turning all of the gas giants against us. It's bad enough we're bugging Jupiter with the Galileo probe, but this is just too much.

And, of course, the typical science-indoctrinated liberals are protesting this probe for all the wrong reasons. You think a little atmospheric plutonium is bad? Wait till Saturn gives us a dose of asteroids and minor moons!

You're playing with fire, NASA. Take heed!

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NASA! You're Playing With DANGER!

Just a month after launching Voyager 2 on a mission to annoy the outer planets, NASA has launched the Voyager 1 space-probe to further antagonize the biggest of the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn.

Due to arrive at Jupiter in January 1979 and Saturn in November 1980, this little probe will no doubt be an irritating annoyance to the otherwise private outer planets. As the Astrologers have been warning us for centuries - ever since a young patent clerk named Galileo turned his new "tele-scope" skyward and became the first Jovian paparazzi - the gas giants value their privacy, and do not appreciate our telescopic and robotic invasions.

And, thanks to the ingenious doings of certified brainiac Carl Sagan, we won't be able to claim innocence when the Jovian ire is enraged. The Voyager probe contains a gold record saying "Hello from Earth", complete with maps and diagrams and sounds so that the gas giants will have no doubt as to its origin.

We can only hope that the Astrologers will be able to keep the enraged outer planets at bay so that they will decide not to attack us with their asteroid arsenals.

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