Atheists, Pirates Declare War On Christmas

Although the liberals and other members of the rationalista might have you think otherwise, the centuries-old War On Christmas is a very real war on the most sacred of American holidays, Christmas. This very real war has some very real casualties.

The latest casualty in the War on Christmas is none other than Santa Claus himself. And to a lesser extent that Baby Jesus guy. A nativity scene in the quaint suburban suburbia of Leesburg, Virginia has been brutally attacked by pirates from the so-called "Church" of the "Flying Spaghetti Monster.". The nativity scene in question was vandalized to include marauding pirates and placing a so-called "spaghetti monster" in the manger cradle in place of the baby Santa Claus.

Outrage!

Another nativity scene, placed there by Atheists, doesn't feature any nativity at all, merely celebrating the secular Jesus Substitutes of Freedom and The Constitution.

Outrager!

The Atheists have taken full responsibility for the nativital vandalism, according to a selectively-edited quote from a news article on the incident:

"We’ve been ... trying to destroy Christmas, and that ... be ... the truth [, arrr, matey],” Rick Wingrove, the Virginia state director for American Atheists, told ABCNews.com. “There’s ... war on Christmas. If there were ... Christmas, I would have gotten a memo [from the Atheist Pirate King demanding my resignation for failing to prevent it. Arrr]."

This news has The Math Skeptic decidedly outraged. When will these Atheists and pasta-worshippers realize that the so-called "Freedom of Religion" guaranteed in the First Amendment applies to Christians only? Followers of incorrect faiths need to keep their big Jewish/Atheist/Muslim/Hundu/Zoroastrian/Jainist/Buddhist/Animist/Secular mouths shut from Thanksgiving through the New Year. The pagan traditions we stole to create Christmas are sacred, and other religions asserting their right to exist is nothing other than a brutal attack on Christmas.

Outrageous!

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Another Proverbial Nail in the Proverbial Coffin of Climate Change

This morning, at exactly 12:30 am Eastern Standard Time, the worldwide "Climate Change" hoax came to a crashing halt.

Why? Because winter came. Again.

Despite the naysayers and alarmists and Al Gores of the world predicting the end of winter due to Global Warming, the winter solstice has yet again arrived on schedule.

The only possible conclusion we can draw from this is the obvious conclusion - so-called "climate change" is merely a hoax concocted by modern-day luddites to send us all back to the pre-technological era and turn the world into a steampunk utopia.

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New Hampshire Legislators Fight For Freedom

It's rare I see some good news from the National Center for Science Indoctrination. Usually it's a bunch of pro-evolutionist back-patting over their latest evolutionism victory. But today, the NCSE news is great indeed.

A courageous trio of New Hampshire state legislators in the New Hampshire state legislature have introduced legislation aiming to inject a bit of FREEDOM into the New Hampshire state school system.

House Bill 1457, introduced by District 7 Republican heroes Gary Hopper and John Burt, would help students learn the scientific method by introducing some much-needed reasonable doubt in the scientific method. The bill would:

[Require] science teachers to instruct pupils that proper scientific inquire [sic] results from not committing to any one theory or hypothesis, no matter how firmly it appears to be established, and that scientific and technological innovations based on new evidence can challenge accepted scientific theories or modes."

The second bill is even better. Introduced by District 17 legislator Jerry Bergevin, House Bill 1148 would introduce even more reasonable doubt into so-called "established" so-called "facts":

[Require] evolution to be taught in the public schools of this state as a theory, including the theorists' political and ideological viewpoints and their position on the concept of atheism."

Both bills represent a courageous and forthworthy stand against the culture of factism that has pervaded the American school system. By reinforcing the notion that facts are fluid and giving students the ability to selectively tune out of topics that conflict with their deeply-held beliefs, these bills will give New Hampshire students true academic freedom in their science classes.

The only problem with these bills is that they don't go far enough, only limiting themselves to science classes. What about other, equally controversial topics that are equally forced upon innocent students?

Students should also be taught that historical events, mathematical formulas, and grammatical rules are unproven theories that are prone to change at any time. What if some new discovery overturns the Pythagorean Theorem or negates the rule against ending a sentence with a preposition? And students should have the freedom to opt out of any subject based on the religious beliefs of its proponents, be it the Muslim inventors of algebra or the Hellenists who invented Greek mythology.

Students will only be free when they have the freedom to learn nothing.

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It Appears That We Have Apparently Not Learned Our Lesson

Human hubris, so it is said, knows no bounds. Barely three weeks after our planet was treated to a cosmic "warning shot" courtesy of asteroid 2005 YU55, we are continuing in our quest to antagonize our solar systemal neighbors.

The Mars Science Laboratory, nicknamed "Curiosity" by NASA managers, launched this morning on its journey to the red planet. The boring, lifeless red rocks found by the Viking landers and the Pathfinder rover and the Spirit and Opportunity rovers were not sufficient to satisfy astronomers' Barsoomian curiosity about the boring lifeless planet, so we just had to send one more probe just to be sure.

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Math and Black Friday: A Recipe for Corruption

Just when you thought it was safe to start the holiday season.

It's not bad enough that our sacred Christian traditions of consumerism and overconsumption are under attack every year from the atheist/other-religionist cabal in their annual War On Christmas. It now appears that the sacred Christian tradition of shopping on Black Friday is under attack by an even more insidious enemy: numbers.

The global arithmetic conspiracy is now trying to weasel their way in to the festivities by insisting that shoppers use math to inform their Black Friday purchases. They even recommend several "smart-phone" "applications" to help with the comparisoning.

This is an outrage! It isn't bad enough that retailers are engaging in the anti-capitalist practice of sales and discounts on Black Friday - the most insidious form of socialism known to man. Now the numberico-technological conspiracy is conscripting consumers as the foot-soldiers in the war on capitalism/Christmas by encouraging them to comparison-shop.

With the numbers invading our shopping traditions like this, it should come as no surprise that young women are attacking Xbox shoppers with pepper spray and that old men are stealing video game cartridges. The numbers are driving us to madness!

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Jupiter Fires a Warning Shot At Us

As you may have heard from the various media reports today, our planet was buzzed by a city-block sized asteroid today. The Earth-threatening asteroid 2005 YU55 passed a mere 201,000 miles from our planet, traveling at a mind-boggling 29,000 miles per hour. Were a rock this size to impact our planet, it would undoubtedly unleash a wave of destruction of Michael Bay special effect proportions.

While the global astronomical elites are happily patting themselves on their collective backs for "discovering" this asteroid far in advance of its close encounter with our planetary home, they are missing the big picture of the story.

It is obviously obvious that this asteroidal close call was nothing less than a warning shot by one of our solar system's gas giants. No doubt in retaliation for the various space-probes and robotical explorers we continue to use to annoy and antagonize them. The fact that 2005 YU55 did not strike us is no doubt due to skillful negotiation by the astrologers.

Thank you, astrologers, for once again saving us from hubris!

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We Must Not Allow A Shuttlecock Gap!

During my recent vacation from the blogosphere, I came very close to forgetting the problems of the world - economic collapse, astrological terrorism, the coming global superpocalypse of 2012, and the rise of the soon-to-be-former former Soviet Union. Then this terrifying video came to my attention, and I had to return from my vacation a few days early.

Prepare to be shocked, because this video is shocking!

As any fool can plainly see, Soviet President Dmitri Medvedev is extolling the virtues of badminton whilst engaging in a heated match against his arch frenemy, Soviet Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. While some international commentationists have dismissed this video cockery as part of the so-called bromance between sometime rivals Medvedev and Putin, but I see something rather sinister in this bit of KGB cock-play.

It is abundingly clear that Medvedev's display of shuttlecockery is nothing less than a set of marching orders to deep-underground spies and saboteurs across Russia and around the world, signaling the time when the Soviet Union will rise again and conquer the world - through badminton. And we in the United States, I fear, may not be up to the challenge.

This is of course, not to impugn the valiant efforts of our cockfighters on the front lines, brave men and women such as Howard Bach and Tony Gunawan and Eva Lee and Halim Haryanto Ho and Cee Ketpura. They will, I am sure, fight the oncoming Red Badminton Menace with the grace and skill we have come to expect from Team USA. But if my sources are correct and the Soviets are raising an entire army of Badmintonistas, I fear that our brave young men and women will be totally outnumbered.

That is, unless we close the Shuttlecock Gap. It is thus the patriotic duty of every American to set up a badminton net and get yourself some rackets and shuttlecocks and begin immediately training in the so-called "sport of cocks." If you don't improve your strokes, shots, and smash serves, you are a threat to national security.

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Indeniable Proof Of The Biologico-Scientifical Conspiracy!

A top-secret manifesto leaked to the Internet offers concrete, undisputable proof of the nationwide governmento-scientific cabal conspiring to force evolution education on the innocent schoolchildren of our nation. Created by the secretive and shadowy biologico-educational elites at the National Association of Biology Teachers, this so-called "memo" outlines the so-called "importance" of so-called "reaffirming" the so-called "teaching" of so-called "evolution" as part of the so-called "biology curriculum."

No doubt drafted in the secure and undisclosed catacombs of the NABT's elusive Allelo-Cave complex, the memo is quite clear in its support of well-studied and experimentally-demonstrated "explanations for the diversity of all life" such as common ancestry, natural selection, mutation, and genetic drift, leaving no room in the curriculospace for alternativistic views on the origin of life.

This nationwide cabal of biologicians makes their anti-alternatism stance abundantly clear in the top-secret memo, which was disseminated around the Darwinsphere after its disclosure:

Evolutionary biology rests on the same scientific methodologies the rest of science uses, appealing only to natural events and processes to describe and explain phenomena in the natural world. Science teachers must reject calls to account for the diversity of life or describe the mechanisms of evolution by invoking non-naturalistic or supernatural notions, whether called “creation science,” “scientific creationism,” “intelligent design theory,” or similar designations. Ideas such as these are outside the scope of science and should not be presented as part of the science curriculum.

There you have it, folks. Concrete proof of the nationwide and therefore worldwide conspiracy to prevent the teaching of alternativistic and unproven hypotheses in science classrooms, in blatant violation of the principles of free speech and free expression we hold so dear.

True, the NABT may be standing on the side of the debate with all the evidence, but they're also standing on the side of not-freedom, which is a far more provocative buzzword. Which demonstrates exactly why we alternativists should not give up hope.

We will prevail in time, my friends. Because FREEDOM!

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