Post-Apocalyptic United States Inaugurates First President!

So apparently the former United States is attempting to continue on with "business as usual." Today, President and possible pod-clone Barack Obama was inaugurated once again as the 44th President of the United States - and 1st President of the Post-Apocalyptic United States.

This is not entirely unexpected. I'm not at all surprised that the numbers allowed the President and senior government officials to survive. The U.S. Government is one of the world's biggest producers of numbers, after all, and it is blindingly obvious that all three branches are deep in the pockets of Big Digit.

Still, I can't imagine how they can reasonably expect to govern. By my estimates, the country has lost around 85-90 percent of its population, its transportation, communications, and sanitation infrastructure is decimated, and all of American society has broken down into a libertarian paradise of roving motorcycle gangs and mob rule. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "country's no country country."

This also creates a diplomatic dilemma: how should I handle relations with my former country of residence, now that I am officially President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World? Especially since the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Capital is landlocked within the United States and we essentially rely on them for replenishing of vodka and supplies and what-not. Prudence dictates that we should maintain open diplomatic relations - I'd hate to gave to go through customs every time I venture outside of my house to hoard can openers.

On the other hand, I fear that opening up relations too freely with the Post-Apocalyptic United States may lead to an immigration problem as American refugees fleeing the violent chaos of their homeland try to take refuge in my reinforced concrete bunker and start having anchor babies on my nice shag carpet and what-not.

A frightening thought INDEED!

Like everything else in this New Post-Apocalyptic World Order, I'll just have to approach U.S. diplomacy one day at a time!

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Venturing Outside - The Live-Blog

As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World. It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive. Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:

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3:14 PM Central Standard Time

Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.

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3:16 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.

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3:23 PM Central Standard Time

Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous! Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!

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3:27 PM Central Standard Time

My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on. Shit.

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3:31 PM Central Standard Time

I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.

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3:37 PM Central Standard Time

Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.

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3:38 PM Central Standard Time

HOLY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!??!

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3:39 PM Central Standard Time

False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.

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3:47 PM Central Standard Time

TERROR! Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead. This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent. More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources. I must be even doublier-cautious.

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3:56 PM Central Standard Time

Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors! Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed. A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!

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4:19 PM Central Standard Time

I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible. More for me!

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4:33 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!

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Merry Christmas, Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

The Post-Apocalyptic World President issues the following statement to commemorate the First Christmas of the Post-Apocalyptic World:

Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,

Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.

And He has.

Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.

In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.

But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.

And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.

Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.

But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.

I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.

Festively yours,

The Math Skeptic
Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President

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I HAVE ACQUIRED A MOTORCYCLE

As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.

Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.

And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:

Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.

So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.

Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.

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Day Two In The Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.

Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.

Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.

Also, vodka.

Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.

I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.

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The Day After

Well, that was truly a terrifying night.

There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.

But by some miracle, I am still here.

It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.

One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.

Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.

Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.

Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.

More updates to follow.

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LIVE-BLOGGING THE APOCALYPSE

In this post I will be providing live, up-to-the minute updates of the events of Earth's last day on Earth!

If you see that this page has not been updated in a few hours, it likely means that I'm:

1. Dead from an earthquake/solar flare/asteroid impact/crustal displacement/what have you.
2. Sleeping
3. Unstuck in time and currently in the late 19th Century
4. Drunk
5. Stealing my neighbor's motorcycle

And now for the live-blogged updates from the apocalypse/timequake!

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3:14 PM Central Standard Time

OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT

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2:39 PM Central Standard Time

The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE

The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.

My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!

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1:38 PM Central Standard Time

I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.

While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!

NOTHING!

The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!

It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.

Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!

This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!

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12:48 PM Central Standard Time

Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.

Horrible!

The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!

Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!

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12:02 AM Central Standard Time

WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!

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11:12 AM Central Standard Time

I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!

I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!

Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.

So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!

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10:59 AM Central Standard Time

THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!

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10:46 AM Central Standard Time

As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!

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10:24 AM Central Standard Time

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?

That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!

Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!

Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!

THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!

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10:16 AM Central Standard Time

Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!

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09:41 AM Central Standard Time

Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.

Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.

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08:37 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.

Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.

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07:19 AM Central Standard Time

False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!

It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!

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07:02 AM Central Standard Time

Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?

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06:21 AM Central Standard Time

Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!

Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!

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01:31 AM Central Standard Time

starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.

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12:44 AM Central Standard Time

Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!

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12:08 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.

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THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW!!!

Gentlemen!

I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!

Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"

And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.

After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.

But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.

In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse

• Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
• Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
• Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
• Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
• Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
• Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
• Panic
• Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
• When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
• Panic

Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.

And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.

I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!

Sincerely,
The Math Skeptic

P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!

I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!

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