"I'm Not Good At Math:" IRS Official Confirms Numerist Conspiracy

Even after the downfall of the United States in conjunction with the total global world apocalypse, the surviving members of the U.S. government continue to embroil themselves in SCANDAL.

The latest scandal comes courtesy of my old enemies at the Internal Revenue Service, after a top official admitted that the IRS has been unfairly scrutinizing Tea Party political organizations as political organizations rather than legitimate charities in their applications for tax-exempt status. This outrage is, of course, an outrageous outrage emblematic of an irrepressive government regime gone out of control.

But! The real scandal was revealed by IRS official Lois G. Lerner during a press conference today when she responded to a question about the number of Teabag Party groups targeted by saying -- and I quote -- "I'm not good at math!" The statement prompted the predictable snickering and snootering from the usual media comedians, of course. But I, as a Math Skeptic, see through her words to the meaning beneath the surface.

What she really means is that Math is not good at HER.

The numbers - who obviously singled Lerner out for apocalypse survival due to her usefulness in promoting their dastardly schemes - are in control at the IRS, and using their position of power to oppress FREEDOM.

This should come as no surprise that the numbers are in control of the IRS - and likely the entire U.S. Treasury. After all, millions of Americans have been mailing the IRS millions of numbers every year when they file their tax returns. One organization cannot amass those sheer numbers of numbers without the numbers conspiring to wrest control from their human caretakers, and this is obviously what has happened here.

Now, as President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I thankfully am no longer required to file a tax return, thanks to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution I hastily wrote up after the end of the world. But I urge any survivors who still claim allegiance to the Post-Apocalyptic United States to oppose the numerist takeover of the IRS and refrain from sending them any further reinforcements while the numbers are in charge.

We shall FREEDOM!

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THE CHELYABINSK METEOR: MERCURY STRIKES BACK

This is indeed one of those moments in which it is difficult to avoid saying that I told you so.

Because the fact is that I told you so.

I have warned time and time again against the dangers of meddling with the planets of our solar system. Many a time have I cautioned against annoying the inner planets and the gas giants with our space probes and roving rovers and robotic orbiting laboratories. If the planets wanted us to meddle with them, they would have the words "Please Meddle With Me" spelled out in craters in one of the ancient languages of antiquity. And yet we persist in probing and roving and photographing them in all manner of un-flattering ways.

Well, as most of you have probably heard by now, today the probed planets have begun to protest. They have shown their annoyance in the form of a meteor exploding over Chelyabinsk, Russia, killing more than 500 people and injuring literally dozens of others.

The trajectory of this incoming doom-harbinger shows it coming from the direction of the Sun. This leads us inevitably to the inevitable conclusion that it was sent here by Mercury, no doubt in anger over the orbital atrocities committed by NASA's MESSENGER spacecraft over the past few years. It is bleedingly obvious that Mercury sent this asteroid as a warning sign of danger things to come.

Of course, Mercury is about two months too late for that sort of thing, the vast majority of the human race already having been wiped out in the December 21 apocalypse. But since space-based orbital maneuvers can take some time to accomplish, it is likely that this is just the first of a series of meteoric attacks we remaining survivors shall face in the coming weeks and years.

Our only hope now is that the astrologers can calm the inner planets' rage sufficiently that they forgive our recent orbital trans-gressions.

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Post-Apocalyptic United States Inaugurates First President!

So apparently the former United States is attempting to continue on with "business as usual." Today, President and possible pod-clone Barack Obama was inaugurated once again as the 44th President of the United States - and 1st President of the Post-Apocalyptic United States.

This is not entirely unexpected. I'm not at all surprised that the numbers allowed the President and senior government officials to survive. The U.S. Government is one of the world's biggest producers of numbers, after all, and it is blindingly obvious that all three branches are deep in the pockets of Big Digit.

Still, I can't imagine how they can reasonably expect to govern. By my estimates, the country has lost around 85-90 percent of its population, its transportation, communications, and sanitation infrastructure is decimated, and all of American society has broken down into a libertarian paradise of roving motorcycle gangs and mob rule. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "country's no country country."

This also creates a diplomatic dilemma: how should I handle relations with my former country of residence, now that I am officially President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World? Especially since the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Capital is landlocked within the United States and we essentially rely on them for replenishing of vodka and supplies and what-not. Prudence dictates that we should maintain open diplomatic relations - I'd hate to gave to go through customs every time I venture outside of my house to hoard can openers.

On the other hand, I fear that opening up relations too freely with the Post-Apocalyptic United States may lead to an immigration problem as American refugees fleeing the violent chaos of their homeland try to take refuge in my reinforced concrete bunker and start having anchor babies on my nice shag carpet and what-not.

A frightening thought INDEED!

Like everything else in this New Post-Apocalyptic World Order, I'll just have to approach U.S. diplomacy one day at a time!

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Venturing Outside - The Live-Blog

As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World. It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive. Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:

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3:14 PM Central Standard Time

Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.

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3:16 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.

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3:23 PM Central Standard Time

Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous! Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!

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3:27 PM Central Standard Time

My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on. Shit.

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3:31 PM Central Standard Time

I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.

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3:37 PM Central Standard Time

Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.

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3:38 PM Central Standard Time

HOLY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!??!

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3:39 PM Central Standard Time

False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.

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3:47 PM Central Standard Time

TERROR! Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead. This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent. More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources. I must be even doublier-cautious.

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3:56 PM Central Standard Time

Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors! Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed. A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!

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4:19 PM Central Standard Time

I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible. More for me!

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4:33 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!

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Merry Christmas, Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

The Post-Apocalyptic World President issues the following statement to commemorate the First Christmas of the Post-Apocalyptic World:

Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,

Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.

And He has.

Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.

In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.

But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.

And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.

Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.

But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.

I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.

Festively yours,

The Math Skeptic
Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President

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I HAVE ACQUIRED A MOTORCYCLE

As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.

Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.

And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:

Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.

So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.

Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.

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Day Two In The Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.

Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.

Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.

Also, vodka.

Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.

I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.

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The Day After

Well, that was truly a terrifying night.

There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.

But by some miracle, I am still here.

It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.

One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.

Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.

Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.

Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.

More updates to follow.

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