THE BRITISH INVASION HAS BEEN DEFEATED!

In a world largely devoid of good news and utterly replete with terrible news, it is heartlifting to hear some good news now and again. And to-day is certainly one of those "agains." The news I bring you is something I have been waiting patiently to hear for more than a decade now.

Paul McCartney is leaving the Beatles. The so-called "Fabulous Foursome" from Liverpool are breaking up.

This means, of course, that the United States has officially won the British Invasion.

Following our victories in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, this constitutes our third consecutive victory against the British Empire, or - to use a phrase I have just cleverly coined and am now using for the first time in recorded history - our three-peat.

Now, I'm a little fuzzy on the terms of international war law and what have you, but I believe this victory over The Beatles means that we can now legally compel the Great British to stop their wasteful overuse of the letter "u" and their dangerous wrong-side-of-the-road driving. We shall leave such details to our fine diplomatic corps.

I shall take this time to celebrate our victorious victory. For AMERICA!

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