There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd:
The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.
This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.
The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.
If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!
In these preapocalyptic days, it's always nice to hear some good news. And we got some great news today courtesy of the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study. Fourth- and eighth-grade students in the United States were far outranked in math and science by their peers in Europe and Asia, demonstrating that American students remain the best in the civilized world at resisting mathematico-scientific indoctrination.
But!
This is not a time for complacency. According to the results of the study - and putting aside for a moment the inherent fallibility of numbers - United Statesian students are still scoring above average. Worse, the average 8th grade science score has been steadily rising since 1995.
This means that the forces of mathematical and scientific proselytization have been hard at work like busy beavers over the past few decades, and show no signs of stopping in the near future. Assuming they survive the coming worldwide destruction of the world, they will continue to push the unproven religion of math and scientific inquiry on our innocent youth.
Still, I remain confident in our ability to overcome the forces of factism. The bells of academic freedom will soon ring all across this great nation, and lo, they will toll for me and the rest of the skeptics of math among us.
Assuming we survive the next two weeks, of course.
Well, suffice it to say that my preparations for the impending apocalypse have hit a minor snag.
It is a well-established fact that the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come will be ruled by warring cannibal motorcycle gangs. This is simply the default human response to a breakdown of law and order - we return to our baser instincts and resort to tribalism and motorcycle maintenance. We need only to look at current events in power vacuums such as Somalia and Tennessee to see evidence of this.
So thusfore my post-apocalyptic survival plan has been to join -- or preferably start -- a cannibal motorcycle gang. I already have most or the prerequisite qualities: ability to lead, charming good looks, rugged individualism, and a callous disregard for human life. The only element I'm missing is a motorcycle.
Not a problem, I thought. I can always buy one. So this morning I withdrew some money from my savings account (mattress) and took the bus to my local motor-cycle store ready to make this absolutely necessary for my future survival purchase.
At first, the smarmy goatee-clad salesman was friendly enough. But he seemed to turn suspicious when I asked him if the brake pedal was on the left or the right in this particular model - a perfectly legitimate question under the circumstances, I would think! He then began to interrogate me with a number of insulting, personal questions: how long have I been riding, when did get my license, have I been drinking, do I even know how to drive, and what have you.
The smarmy salesgoatee was un-abated in his questioning even when I brandished a wad of cash, saying he was "uncomfortable" selling a "motor vehicle" to me.
Apparently the power-clad overreaching liberals in the government have made it illegal to drive a motorcycle without a license. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA!
No doubt, this is undoubtedly part of the government's plan - to keep us powerless and motorcycle-less when the end comes. And the motor-cycle dealerships are all in on the conspiracy, hoarding all the half-cars for themselves so they'll have an ample post-apocalyptic supply. I'm on to you, Mr. Salesgoatee! You are most assuredly not welcome in MY gang!
You see, my neighbor Dave owns a motorcycle. He is one of those pseudo-skeptic science-believers who refuses to accept predictions of the coming doomsday, and has not made any preparations whatsoever for the post-apocalyptic world to come. So I expect that he'll be one of the first to die, after which I will easily acquire his motorcycle without any resistance.
In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.
This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.
The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!
And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:
And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer. Revelation, 6:1-2
If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.
"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice.
I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."
One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.
Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.
The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.
At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)
The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.
There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.
What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.
A shocking exposé of climate science by James Lawrence Powell, executive director of the National Physical Science Consortium, has uncovered what I have been saying about Global Warming since the 1970s. It is nothing less than a gigantic conspiracy coordinated by thousands of scientists over more than 40 years.
Powell, author of The Inquisition of Climate Science, studied nearly fourteen thousand journal articles published between 1991 and 2012 about "global warming" or "climate change." Of these, a grand total of 24 rejected the theory of global warming.
The author justfied his findings thusly:
Anyone can repeat this search and post their findings. Another reviewer would likely have slightly different standards than mine and get a different number of rejecting articles. But no one will be able to reach a different conclusion, for only one conclusion is possible: Within science, global warming denial has virtually no influence. Its influence is instead on a misguided media, politicians all-too-willing to deny science for their own gain, and a gullible public.
Of course, we skeptics know that this is merely a cover story for a far more nefarious collusion between the climate scientists and their number-controlled masters to enslave humanity via arithmetic. The fact that so few scientists are publishing anti-climate articles proves this. After all - as we all know - absence of evidence is evidence of a conspiracy.
Not that it matters, of course, as there are less than four weeks left before the world ends. But I salute Mr. Powell for his courageous undercover reporting, exposing this conspiracy in the little time we have left.
If you've ever had any doubts about the depths to which the numbers have invaded and pervaded our culture and society, look no further than this shocking article I am
writing at this very moment.
Our schools have become so entranced by arithmetofascism that they have now begun using students to indoctrinate their fellow students with mathematical propaganda. Under the innocent-sounding guise of "peer education," school systems are obeying their numerist masters by proxy, turning innocent older children into math missionaries spreading the gospel of arithmetic to even innocenter younger children.
This insidous outrage was recently exposed by some investigative reporting by a local news station in Butler County, Missouri. KFVS-12 News gathered this shocking story - I can only assume - by enrolling one of their undercover reporters into an elementary school in Poplar Bluff, Missouri disguised as a first grader. What this courageous - and I presume short-statured - reporter uncovered during the investigation was nothing less than shocking:
Earlier this school year, Eugene Field Elementary School fourth grader Maraleigh Buss entered Kelli Spitze's first grade classroom and asked the teacher whether her students did their math homework.
...
Maraleigh is among over a dozen fourth grade teaching assistants who have volunteered to give up their special class periods—art, gym, library and music—to tutor first and second grade math students who may require some extra attention, according to school officials.
...
"She gets kids engaged right from the get-go," said Spitze, who began utilizing teaching assistants in her classroom last school year. "Sometimes children learn from their older peers much quicker. They are just more ready to be open-minded in that setting."
An extreme comparison? Perhaps - but only if you consider the slippery slope to be a logical fallacy. As far as I'm concerned, children tutoring each other in math is just one sloping slip away from uniformed young thugs recruiting other kids to serve in the Math-ler Youth.
It's times like this that I'm almost glad the world is going to end in four weeks. Because a world in which babies are indoctrinating babies with arithmetical propaganda is not one I wish to continue.
Have you started preparing for the apocalypse? If so, I congratulate you on your responsible preparedness. If not, I lambaste you for your irresponsible lack of preparedness!
This is serious, people! Unlike all of the other times I've warned of impending doom, this time the doom is ACTUALLY ABOUT TO IMPEND!
For those who care to know. I have begun my preparations for the end of the world and the post-apocalyptic nightmare that is to follow. From a source that shall remain nameless, I have acquired a year's supply of vintage Crystal Pepsi, which I have been informed will be a sought-after barterable currency in the world to come.
I have also stockpiled the obvious foodstuffs such as canned goods and canned noodles and can openers. And in case I need to perform emergency surgeries or harvest organs from the recently apocalypsed, I have a full supply of home medical supplies (most acquired legally).
And I also have four cases of cheap vodka with which to drown my sorrows for however long I survive after the world as we know it is cast into utter nightmarish disorder. These may also be useful to gain acceptance into one of the cannibal motorcycle gangs that will be roaming the world after the world has ended.
I now feel reasonably assured that I have taken adequate precautions to ensure my prolonged survival in the nightmare world to come. If you have not done the same, I can only hope that you will come to your senses in the next threeweeks.
