As my regular readers are probably already aware, I make no secret of my anti-bee stance. These kamikaze insect assailants have been plaguing humanity for thousands of years, bribing us with their so-called "honey" to make us forget their evil doings.
However, a recent news i have come across on the news has prompted me to re-evaluate this stance just slight-ly.
As it turns out, bees are not number sympathizers as I and science had previously thought. The perfectly-proportioned hexagons of the bees' honeycombal habitat were, we reasoned, too perfectly-proportioned to happen by chance.
Thus, we had thought, the bees must be doing complicated geo-metry in order to do their mathical honey-combing.
Researchers at Cardiff University in the U.K. Have discovered that this is indeed not the indeed case. The bees are not doing math at all - merely making bee-sized circles of bees-wax that later form into hexagons when melted by the bee-body heat. No math necessary.
This new development in apiology has prompted me to re-evaluate my anti-bee stance just slightly. Knowing that the bees are not aligned with the numbers in the War Against All Humans is an encouraging sign that, perhaps, they could be turned from enemies to allies.
After all, as Sun-Tzu said, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend."
And with approximately 78% of the human population wiped out in last year's apocalypse, we need all the friends we can get. Even bees.
Ashutosh Saxena and his colleagues are working to create robots that can function in human environments such as our homes and offices, where they would function as maids and butlers and assorted personal assistants. The roboticians have programmed their robots to understand how we humans use the objects in our environments - sitting on our chairs, watching our televisions, picking up our telephones, and suchforth.
In the process, Saxena's team have made humans completely obsolete - replacing us in the robots' robotical imagination with imaginary people!
This is, of course, terrifying on a great many levels.
By giving robots - machines controlled by ones and zeros - the ability to understand how human bodies function in our environments, they are also teaching the robots how to most effectively break us by turning our household objects into household weapons of robotic destruction!
"I could speculate that a self-driving car could hallucinate where people could go, so as to safely drive more conservatively in those situations," Saxena says.
Yes, Saxena. They could. Or they could use this great logical power to mow us down with maximum efficiency!
Worst of all, the robots won't even miss us once they've eradicated us from the planet. Why? Because they'll just be able to hallucinate us whenever they want some human company.
Yes, friends, the downfalling of human existence will soon be complete. It's not bad enough that most of the human population was wiped out in the December 2012 apocalypse - soon professor Saxena's fleet of killer robots will be coming to clean up the survivors!
The Post-Apocalyptic United States Department of Education (PAUSDOE) has released the latest report card on the educational achievement levels of U.S. students. The results are simply shocking.
That is, it's shocking if you are not a person well-versed in mathematical skepticism and aware of the inherent fallibility of numbers.
The National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) reports that while U.S. fourth graders have made gains in math since the 1970s, these math "skills" are essentially lost by the time students graduate high school. While half of 9-year-olds are able to do basic arithmetic at grade level, fewer than one in ten high-school seniors can do higher-level math such as algebra and geometry and whatever the kids are learning these days.
The unescapable conclusion we must inevitably reach from these results is that it is simply pointless to teach children math - a conclusion that fortunately dovetails quite nicely with my anti-math worldview.
Besides the well-known fact that arithmetical education is nothing more than an injection of numerist propaganda into the brain-minds of innocent children, this new report card demonstrates that it is a pointless under-taking anyway.
All of which is beside the fact that it is pointless to teach math at all in this brave new post-apocalyptic nightmare world. Children should be learning important post-civilization life skills such as how to distill squirrel urine into alcoholic beverages/wound disinfectants. Continuing to teach our surviving children pointless subjects like art and literature and science and math is simply an antiquated notion from the world as it was six months ago, not the world of today.
In a post-apocalyptic world where terror, danger, and absolute terror reign supreme, it is nice to know that some individuals are still standing up against the forces of terror, danger, and absolute terror.
In Tennessee, that individual is apocalypse survivor Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation. Smith is taking a courageous stand against environmental terrorists who are literally threatening to set the state's water supply on fire if their demands to end the so-called practice of "fracking" are not met.
Don't believe me? Well, just watch this terrifying top-secret video of environmental activists committing their blasphemous acts of water-to-fire alchemy:
Thankfully, we who like our water un-set-on-fire have a friend in Sherwin Smith. "We take water quality very seriously. Very, very seriously," Smith said at a recent meeting in Mount Pleasant, Tennessee organized by the hilariously-named State Representative Sheila Butt (R-Columbia). Not content to remain the butt of residents' complaints, Smith added that environ-mentalist warnings about water quality "can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism."
"For far too long, the people of Tennessee have been rear-ended by these meddlesome environmentalists," Rep. Butt may well have said had she been interviewed for this story. "But now we can rest on our posteriors, knowing that this is all behind us. I, for one, just hope those environ-mentalists don't get their buttocks caught in the door on their way out of Tennessee," Rep. Butt may hypothetically have added.
Though this is indeed a victory for the good freedom-loving, terrorism-non-loving people of Tennessee, it is merely the first battle in a larger battle against environmental terrorists trying to light our water supply on fire and/or complain about the flammability of our water supply. We must stop them in the name of freedom!
I don't normally read British news. In fact, one could say that I don't approve of the British, what with their left-side drivingness and blatant misuse of U's. But today I happened to stumble internetarily onto an article on the BBC News that literally frightened me to doom!
The numbers, not content with having vanquished the entire animal kingdom by driving its most important species (us) to near extinction in last December's apocalypse, are now turning their evil attentions onto the plant kingdom!
British scientists studying the aptly-named Arabidopsis thaliana plant have found that it uses arithmetic to calculate the amount of starch it needs to metabolize overnight or something or other. I didn't really read the article, as I was too busy panicking to concentrate.
Besides my usual sentiments of fear, panic, and abject terror, I am also finding myself reacting to this story with a sense of utter betrayal. How could the plants do this to me?
Especially since I have recently befriended one of their kingdomkind!
Yes, in these sad, lonely months since the extinction of the vast majority of the human race, I have adopted a small leafy house-plant of the green and leafy variety to keep me company. I have watered it and given it dirt and table scraps as any good plant-parent would.
And this is how the plantar kingdom chooses to repay me. By siding with the numbers.
Most of all, I blame the damned environ-mentalists! Those tree-hugging hippie tree-huggers have no doubt inflated the plants' egos with their talk of flower power and tree huggability! Now the plants are seizing on our moment of near-extinction to literally take over the world.
I do not know how much more doom I can with-stand!
Despite their victory over the human race with the successful December 21 apocalypse that left all of human society in shatters, the numbers are not content. They are still working to destroy humanity's remaining remnants.
In their latest attack on humanity, the numbers are not only targeting innocent children, but innocent children of the weaker sex! Under the benign-sounding pretense of "free math and science camps for girls," the devious digits and their educational enablers are planning to expose innocent young ladies to their lewd and indecent arithmetical indecencies!
This is beyond outrageous, though we should of course be outraged. It is also quite un-sportsmanlike(un-sportsmathlike?).
We humans have been literally decimated by post-apocalyptic chaos, lawlessness, famine, and bad luck over the past six months since the End of the World, and the numbers are still attacking pockets of survivors such as this one in Ottumwa, Iowa.
I was brought up believing that we should treat girls gently, and have always lived by this credo. The numbers, however, know no such chivalrousness and are literally kicking girls when they are down and at their weakest. And yet you don't hear the liberal elites getting all up in panties about THIS "violence against women." I wonder why!
Well, probably because most of the liberal elite class is dead from apocalypse. But my point remains!
Even after the downfall of the United States in conjunction with the total global world apocalypse, the surviving members of the U.S. government continue to embroil themselves in SCANDAL.
The latest scandal comes courtesy of my old enemies at the Internal Revenue Service, after a top official admitted that the IRS has been unfairly scrutinizing Tea Party political organizations as political organizations rather than legitimate charities in their applications for tax-exempt status. This outrage is, of course, an outrageous outrage emblematic of an irrepressive government regime gone out of control.
But! The real scandal was revealed by IRS official Lois G. Lerner during a press conference today when she responded to a question about the number of Teabag Party groups targeted by saying -- and I quote -- "I'm not good at math!" The statement prompted the predictable snickering and snootering from the usual media comedians, of course. But I, as a Math Skeptic, see through her words to the meaning beneath the surface.
What she really means is that Math is not good at HER.
The numbers - who obviously singled Lerner out for apocalypse survival due to her usefulness in promoting their dastardly schemes - are in control at the IRS, and using their position of power to oppress FREEDOM.
This should come as no surprise that the numbers are in control of the IRS - and likely the entire U.S. Treasury. After all, millions of Americans have been mailing the IRS millions of numbers every year when they file their tax returns. One organization cannot amass those sheer numbers of numbers without the numbers conspiring to wrest control from their human caretakers, and this is obviously what has happened here.
Now, as President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I thankfully am no longer required to file a tax return, thanks to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution I hastily wrote up after the end of the world. But I urge any survivors who still claim allegiance to the Post-Apocalyptic United States to oppose the numerist takeover of the IRS and refrain from sending them any further reinforcements while the numbers are in charge.
This is indeed one of those moments in which it is difficult to avoid saying that I told you so.
Because the fact is that I told you so.
I have warned time and time again against the dangers of meddling with the planets of our solar system. Many a time have I cautioned against annoying the inner planets and the gas giants with our space probes and roving rovers and robotic orbiting laboratories. If the planets wanted us to meddle with them, they would have the words "Please Meddle With Me" spelled out in craters in one of the ancient languages of antiquity. And yet we persist in probing and roving and photographing them in all manner of un-flattering ways.
Well, as most of you have probably heard by now, today the probed planets have begun to protest. They have shown their annoyance in the form of a meteor exploding over Chelyabinsk, Russia, killing more than 500 people and injuring literally dozens of others.
The trajectory of this incoming doom-harbinger shows it coming from the direction of the Sun. This leads us inevitably to the inevitable conclusion that it was sent here by Mercury, no doubt in anger over the orbital atrocities committed by NASA's MESSENGER spacecraft over the past few years. It is bleedingly obvious that Mercury sent this asteroid as a warning sign of danger things to come.
Of course, Mercury is about two months too late for that sort of thing, the vast majority of the human race already having been wiped out in the December 21 apocalypse. But since space-based orbital maneuvers can take some time to accomplish, it is likely that this is just the first of a series of meteoric attacks we remaining survivors shall face in the coming weeks and years.
Our only hope now is that the astrologers can calm the inner planets' rage sufficiently that they forgive our recent orbital trans-gressions.
So apparently the former United States is attempting to continue on with "business as usual." Today, President and possible pod-clone Barack Obama was inaugurated once again as the 44th President of the United States - and 1st President of the Post-Apocalyptic United States.
This is not entirely unexpected. I'm not at all surprised that the numbers allowed the President and senior government officials to survive. The U.S. Government is one of the world's biggest producers of numbers, after all, and it is blindingly obvious that all three branches are deep in the pockets of Big Digit.
Still, I can't imagine how they can reasonably expect to govern. By my estimates, the country has lost around 85-90 percent of its population, its transportation, communications, and sanitation infrastructure is decimated, and all of American society has broken down into a libertarian paradise of roving motorcycle gangs and mob rule. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "country's no country country."
This also creates a diplomatic dilemma: how should I handle relations with my former country of residence, now that I am officially President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World? Especially since the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Capital is landlocked within the United States and we essentially rely on them for replenishing of vodka and supplies and what-not. Prudence dictates that we should maintain open diplomatic relations - I'd hate to gave to go through customs every time I venture outside of my house to hoard can openers.
On the other hand, I fear that opening up relations too freely with the Post-Apocalyptic United States may lead to an immigration problem as American refugees fleeing the violent chaos of their homeland try to take refuge in my reinforced concrete bunker and start having anchor babies on my nice shag carpet and what-not.
A frightening thought INDEED!
Like everything else in this New Post-Apocalyptic World Order, I'll just have to approach U.S. diplomacy one day at a time!
As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World.
It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive.
Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:
3:14 PM Central Standard Time
Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.
3:16 PM Central Standard Time
I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.
3:23 PM Central Standard Time
Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous!
Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!
3:27 PM Central Standard Time
My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on.
Shit.
3:31 PM Central Standard Time
I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.
3:37 PM Central Standard Time
Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.
3:38 PM Central Standard Time
HOLY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?!??!
3:39 PM Central Standard Time
False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.
3:47 PM Central Standard Time
TERROR!
Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead.
This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent.
More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources.
I must be even doublier-cautious.
3:56 PM Central Standard Time
Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors!
Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed.
A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!
4:19 PM Central Standard Time
I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible.
More for me!
4:33 PM Central Standard Time
I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not
The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!
The Post-Apocalyptic World President issues the following statement to commemorate the First Christmas of the Post-Apocalyptic World:
Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,
Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.
And He has.
Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.
In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.
Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.
But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.
And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.
Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.
But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.
I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.
Festively yours,
The Math Skeptic Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President
As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.
Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.
And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:
Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.
So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.
Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.
It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.
Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.
Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.
Also, vodka.
Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.
I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.
There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.
But by some miracle, I am still here.
It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.
One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.
Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.
Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.
Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.
OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT
2:39 PM Central Standard Time
The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE
The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.
My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!
1:38 PM Central Standard Time
I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.
While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!
NOTHING!
The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!
It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.
Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!
This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!
12:48 PM Central Standard Time
Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.
Horrible!
The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!
Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!
12:02 AM Central Standard Time
WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!
11:12 AM Central Standard Time
I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!
I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!
Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.
So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!
10:59 AM Central Standard Time
THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!
10:46 AM Central Standard Time
As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!
10:24 AM Central Standard Time
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?
That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!
Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!
Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!
THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!
10:16 AM Central Standard Time
Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!
09:41 AM Central Standard Time
Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.
Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.
08:37 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.
Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.
07:19 AM Central Standard Time
False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!
It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!
07:02 AM Central Standard Time
Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?
06:21 AM Central Standard Time
Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!
Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!
01:31 AM Central Standard Time
starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.
12:44 AM Central Standard Time
Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!
12:08 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.
I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!
Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"
And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.
After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.
But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.
In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse
Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
Panic
Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
Panic
Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.
And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.
I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!
Sincerely, The Math Skeptic
P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!
I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!
In a shocking preapocalyptic development, NASA has announced that two of its lunar-orbiting spacecraft have crashed into the Moon!
And! According to the scienticians and engineerlings at NASA, the crash of the GRAIL probes - nicknamed Arthur and Patsy - was deliberate.
To which I say BALDERWASH!
You may or may not be a movie "buff" and therefore may or may not get this "reference" but if you recall the 1985 movie Pee-Wee Herman Has A Big Adventure, there is a scene in which the title character falls off his bike or crashes into a biker bar or knocks over a wooden dinosaur or something, then gets up and dusts himself off and says "I meant to do that."
Well I assert that NASA just did the same thing!
Why would NASA deliberately crash some perfectly good space-ships into The Moon when they could easily leave them in orbit indefinitely as a lasting symbol of our space-faring prowess?
The answer: the Moon has MOVED!
It's the only logical explanation!
The Moon, likely succumbing to peer pressure from Mars and Jupiter, has shifted its own "orbit" around the Earth, confusing the GRAIL ships and causing them to smack into a MOON MOUNTAIN! NASA, not wanting to admit that they have lost track of the Moon's meanderings, concocted this "deliberate" "crash" story as a "red" "herring"!
NASA has been caught red-handed this time in a lie of deceit. And unlike Pee-Wee Herman, they won't be able to dance their way out of it!
Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.
This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.
However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.
AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!
This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.
I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.
The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.
Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.
Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"
Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".
And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.
In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.
It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:
Seven gallons of distilled water
Seven gallons of distilled vodka
One pair of heavy-duty goggles
One geiger counter
Clean socks
Two gallons of bleach
Matches
A stack of old newspapers
A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
Insect repellant
Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
Seven pairs of gardening gloves
A can opener
Canned and/or freeze-dried food
Motorcycle
Flashlight with extra batteries
Battery-powered radio
English-Russian phrasebook
Pruning shears
Sewing kit
Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
A clean scarf
Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.
Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.
With these preparations in place, you just might survive.
Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.
There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd:
The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.
This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.
The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.
If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!
