Friday, December 14, 2012

The World Ends One Week From Today!

Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"

Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".

And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.

In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.

It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:

  • Seven gallons of distilled water
  • Seven gallons of distilled vodka
  • One pair of heavy-duty goggles
  • One geiger counter
  • Clean socks
  • Two gallons of bleach
  • Matches
  • A stack of old newspapers
  • A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
  • Insect repellant
  • Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
  • Seven pairs of gardening gloves
  • A can opener
  • Canned and/or freeze-dried food
  • Motorcycle
  • Flashlight with extra batteries
  • Battery-powered radio
  • English-Russian phrasebook
  • Pruning shears
  • Sewing kit
  • Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
  • A clean scarf
Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.

Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.

With these preparations in place, you just might survive.

Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.

I wish you luck. You are going to need it.

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