Sunday, June 20, 1971

The Legendary 10th planet Has Been Discovered!

For more than a century, Astronomers and Astrologers have searched the heavens for a hypothesized Tenth Planet located between the Sun and Mercury. Nicknamed Vulcan for its high surface temperatures, this planet was first proposed by French patent-clerk-turned-mathematician Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier in 1840, to explain the unusual perturbations in Mercury's orbit. However, attempts to find the planet have been fruitless.

Until now.

Dowling College astronomy professor Henry C. Courten has now discovered the elusive Tenth Planet. Studying telescopic images taken during an eclipse of the Sun earlier this year, Courten found conclusive proof of an intra-Mercurial planet a few hundred meters in diameter orbiting about one-tenth the Earth's distance from the Sun.

The consequences of this discovery are staggering.

Not only will this cause a complete rewriting of the science textbooks to revise our solar system from nine planets to ten, but it also throws the entire endeavor of science in doubt. If science was wrong about the number of planets orbiting the Sun, what else could it be wrong about?

In fact, it would not surprise me if this discovery fails to gain any traction in the astronomic community. Indeed, there may even be a grand conspiracy among astronomists to keep this planet's very existence a secret!

Well, I, for one, will not be silenced!