The Numbers That Stole Christmas!

Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.

This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.

However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.

Allegedly created by "festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.

AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!

This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.

I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.

The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.

Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.

War!

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Valid Point Puts Climatists All Up In A Tizzy!

COMEDY!

So the libero-scientifico-intellegentsiosphere is all running about with their arms waving so frantically they're about to put holes in the leather patches on their tweed jackets. The reason? A recent editorial by Robert Bryce in the prestigious and peer-reviewed Wall Street Journal that threatens to rip apart the very fabric of the scientifico-numerist factiverse.

In addition to the completely valid and not at all disingenuous points Bryce makes in the article is this particularly irksome passage that has raised the collective irks of the science denial denialosphere:

The science is not settled, not by a long shot.

Last month, scientists at CERN, the prestigious high-energy physics lab in Switzerland, reported that neutrinos might—repeat, might—travel faster than the speed of light. If serious scientists can question Einstein's theory of relativity, then there must be room for debate about the workings and complexities of the Earth's atmosphere.

Bryce is, of course, completely correct. If the results of the OPERA experiment are correct and not merely statistical glitch caused by the inherent fallibility of numbers, it proves that General Relativity - and by extension Special Relativity - are both completely and utterly wrong.

And if General and Special Relativity are wrong, all of science is in question and all facts are merely illusions. Just like I've been arguing for years!

Thank you, Robert Bryce, for finally daring to tell the truth about scientific truths!

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Math Teacher's Victory Garden: A Sign of Impending Doom?

A frightening piece of Internet came to my attention across the Internet tubes this evening. After a lengthy and dramatic courtroom drama, the hilariously-named Shelby County Environmental Court Judge Larry Potter has, with a wave of his judicial wand, permitted Memphis-area math teacher Adam Guerrero to keep the urban garden he'd built in his front yard, despite complaints from his neighbors.

This would seem like a simple case of neighbor versus neighbor. Except for one key detail.

Adam Guerrero is a math teacher.

Why has a math teacher - someone who is in daily contact with the numbers - suddenly decided to grow a vegetable garden on his property, when vegetables and vegetable by-products are readily available in supermarkets nationwide?

It's obvious that Mr. Guerrero knows something we don't. He must be privy to some secret information about the coming numeropocalypse and is growing an emergency garden as a survival strategy. Indeed, it's likely that this mathematical indoctrinator has already chosen to side with the numbers in their ongoing war with humanity, persuading them to spare his life during their systematic out-wiping of us all.

This is the only logical explanation.

And he would've gotten away with it, too, if not for the bravery of his also hilariously-named neighbor, Levi Dowdy, who reported Guerrero to local environmental authorities for the heinous crimes of urban blight and species treason. And the authorities - specifically, Judge Larry Potter - have apparently spent too much time dabbling in the dark arts to make a sensible decision.

Or, more likely, Judge Potter is already in the pocket of Big Digit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Judge Larry Potter is so influenced by the numbers that his Patronus Charm is a THREE.

This victory for Adam Guerrero's garden may be a small battle won for the numbers, but I'm confident that we humans will prevail eventually. All we need are more brave, right-thinking men like Levi Dowdy to keep fighting these small fights against the numerist conspiracy.

Indeed, we may have lost the victory garden, but we will win the war!

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Nuclear War Is Imminent! Head For The Hills and/or Islands!

Readers!

I do not wish to alarm you but I have some alarming news. It has just come to my attention that a NUCLEAR WAR is about to break out!

Regular readers will know that I have been warning about this for some time. Those crafty Russkis have been planning for our annihilation since the beginning of the decade. First, the Soviets began disarming us with their "detentes" and their "Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaties" and their "Helsinki Accords." Then they began jamming our radios and/or controlling our minds with their Woodpecker Signals. And now that we're disarmed and mind-controlled - they will WAR some time before the end of this MONTH!

How do we know that war will happen this month? Because it is foretold in The Bible and/or the sizes of the Pyramids of Egypt, according to Melbournian business-man John Strong, author of The Doomsday Globe. Using a complex series of calculations, Strong discovered that the End of the World would come in October, 1978 - that's NOW!

Strong is so sure of his predictions that he and several dozen followers are currently waiting out the upcoming nuclear armageddon in a secure, bomb-proof ranch in New South Wales, Australia.

I am a bit conflicted about this prediction, I should say. On one hand, I am understandably skeptical about the calculation methods Strong used to arrive at his prediction, given the inherent instability of numbers. On the other hand, the prediction is partially based in The Bible, which is always correct.

Unfortunately, the whopping $575 fee for survival is a bit out of my price range at the moment, as is flying to Australia. So suffice it to say that I shall not be joining Mr. Strong in his ranch.

But not to worry - I am taking precautions here, converting my basement/laundry room into a bomb-proof shelter and stocking up on non-perishables. THE WIFE thinks I'm crazy, AS USUAL, but we will see who thinks who is crazy when she's dodging radioactive fallouts and I am secure in my basement shelter!

I urge all of you to prepare as necessary. If the Bible is correct, WAR IS COMING!

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