Elenin Update: Force Shields Up, Orion's Belt Brutally Attacked!!!

The most recent series of posts on "Mad Astronomer" Leonid Elenin's manifesto/blog are nothing short of chilling. In fact, they're downright terrifying.

In Thursday's update on his orbiting space weapon, the so-called Comet C/2010 X1, Mad Astronomer Elenin brags that the force field protecting the decommissioned Soviet space weapon has been activated and now extends from the satellite in a radius of some 100,000 km - more than 62,000 miles in non-Communist measurements.

Although he rather innocuously refers to this deflector shield as the "coma" of the "ordinary comet," we in the alarmist community know better. This deflector shield is now protecting the C/2010 X1's earthquake-causing Tesla coil technology from attack by even our most powerful hydrogen bombs and/or free market ideology.

As if this weren't frightening enough, Mad Astronomer Elenin's post today should have you soiling underwear you haven't even put on yet. In this top-secret photo leaked by NASA's STEREO-B spacecraft, the "comet" can be seen brutally attacking Alnitak, the leftiest star in Orion's Belt:
As any fool can plainly see from the picture above, the O-class blue supergiant, alternately known as Zeta Orionis, is nearly destroyed by a beam of quantum flux from the orbiting space station's Tesla coil. If this weapon could cause such destruction to a supergiant like Alnitak (or An-ni6aq, if we're respecting our sun letters) just imagine what it could do to our piddling G-class yellow dwarf!

And, of course, the disinformation campaign is in full-swing, as Elenin supporters far and wide try to convince us that this star destroyer is merely an innocent comet.

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Comet Elenin Update: We're Probably Still Doomed

Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin continues unabated in his effort to convince the concerned public that his top-secret long-period space-based weapon of mass destruction is merely a harmless comet. Together with his evil sidekick Trent Reznor, Elenin has brought NASA, the U.S. Navy, the European Space Agency, and Roscosmos to their collective knees with his threat of global annihilation.

In a recent blog post, Elenin proudly announces that the Navy's Sun Earth Connection Coronal and Heliospheric Investigation (SECCHI) has capitulated to his demands, and will roll their STEREO spacecraft from their current Sun-orbiting positions - critical for warning us when we have angered our solar mother and she is slapping us with a solar flare - to observe his C/2010 X1 space weapon as it buzzes the Earth in September and destroys Norway with its Tesla death rays.

The Tesla death ray aboard this eccentrically-orbiting space station has already been used to create numerous earthquakes around the world since December 2010. We know this because the "comet" was discovered in December 2010 and there have been multiple earthquakes since then. Thus, by the scientific law of Correlation = Causation, the only logical conclusion is that the onboard Tesla coil has been zapping the Earth from beyond the main Asteroid Belt and shifting tectonic plates, with catastrophic results.

We can only hope that this astronomical madman will be stopped before he unleashes his tectonic power on Norway, and the fjords are destroyed forever.

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Incoming Comet A Harbinger of Doom?

Greetings, fellow Math Skeptics! On today's B.L.O.G. entry, I have some frightening tidings to report. It seems the recently-discovered Comet Kohoutek is coming to destroy us all. My source? None other than God himself. Speaking through David Berg, founder of Children of God Ministries.

When a man of the cloth says the world is going to end, it usually comes true. So we have good reason to be cautious.

God was a bit unclear about the date of the impending apocalypse, unfortunately, so Berg isn't quite sure when The End is coming:

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE 21st (OF SOME MONTH). It either begins on the 21st or it ends on the 21st. Of course it'll be at its brightest--between November 21 and January 21, and really from December 11 to January 21 is the main course. Either that or December 21.

The obvious take-away message is that we must beware of all dates numbered 21. Which is fine for me - I beware of all dates from 1-20 and 22-31 as well. The fact that we use numbers to denote our days is a clear sign that our society has fallen into depravity and evil as a society. Also, homosexualism.

But I do fear for those unsaved among you who have not-yet learned to distrust numbers as I. The poor numeralists out there continue unabated in their digit-using ways completely oblivious to the cometary ruin they bring upon society.

I implore all my readers to heed David Berg's multiple warnings, and repent from their numeralist ways. If we all preach the gospel if numberlessness, perhaps the Great Comet Kohoutek will decide to spare us.

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Earthquake Warning: Solomon Islands!

Gentlemen!

I had the most bizarre dream to-night!

Details of the dream are sketchy, as dreams are wont to be. However, I shall try to recall as many details as I can, as the dream seemed fortuitously prophetic!

As I recall, the dream began with a pair of young twins were riding a guinea pig - or maybe a canoe - along a beach. It was definitely some sort of guinea pig/canoe hybrid.

Anyway!

A bottle washed up on the beach, and one of the twins opened it. Suddenly, First Chancellor of the Republic of Germany Otto von Bismarck leapt from the bottom and grew to gartantuan size, jumping up and down on the beach and thundering the ground into giant waves. GIANT WAVES!

I awoke in a fitful sweat and attempted to piece together the details - the twins, the beach, the guinea pig, Birmarck. Then it hit me - it was an earthquake prophecy!

Hereby I predict that not one but a PAIR of earthquakes will strike in the coming weeks. They will be centered near Papua New Guinea in the Solomon Islands, which is situated along the Bismarck Plate!

So if any Solomonians happen to be on D.A.R.P.A.-net right now, I urge you to print out this warning, make as many mimeographs as you can, and urge your authorities and friends to take cover on high ground. Multiple earthquakes and tsunamis are headed your way

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