Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Sesame Street" To Further Indoctrinate Kids With Numerism

I've always said that the Children's Television Workshop is deep in the pocket of Big Digit. It should be pretty obvious, what with every single "Sesame Street" episode being sponsored by a number, and their casting of a blatant arithmomaniac in a recurring role.

But now, this "educational" "television" "show" is going well beyond filling our childrens' heads with numbers, colors, and fly-in-soup anecdotes. They are going to add math, science, and engineering indoctrination to their televisual brainwashing curriculum.

What this is, as any fool can plainly see, is yet another attempt by the answerists and science-pushers to force their one-right-answer hegemony on innocent children before they're even old enough to spell "a-c-a-d-e-m-i-c f-r-e-e-d-o-m."

(Which, in a truly free school system, they could spell "a-k-y-d-u-p-i-c f-9-r-;-*-*-o-m" and be correct, but I digress!)

Well I, for one, will stop watching. This is my protest, and I urge my fellow Math Skeptics to do the same. If this doesn't work, we'll have to target their sponsors. I'm sure the Letter B would drop their sponsorship pretty quickly if we threatened a boycott. Or, I should say, an _oycott!


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

We Must Not Allow A Captured Asteroid Gap!

It all started with the Chinese and their plan to capture a near-Earth asteroid and put it into orbit around the Earth. What exactly they plan to do with, say, Asteroid 2008 EA9 when they capture it in 2049 is unclear, but this is really beside the point.

The point is that they will have an asteroid, and we won't.

Thankfully, United Statesian science is on the case! Astronomist and infamous Pluto-killer Mike Brown leaked the following top-secret informations over his Twitters:
plutokiller Mike Brown
In a meeting all day about capturing an asteroid and bringing it back to the ISS for study. turns out to be shockingly doable. hmmmmmm.

plutokiller Mike Brown
Truly, I would love to see the picture of the little asteroid parked at the ISS with astronauts poking at it.

plutokiller Mike Brown
Ok, so the captured asteroid would only be about two meters (! really, I said METERS!) across....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Space Weather Forecast: Bring A Space Umbrella (To Space)

Space meteorologists have issued a new space-weather forecast for the not-so distant space-future, and the outlook is full of storms. Space storms.

According to a study published in last month's Geophysical Research Letters decrease in solar activity over the next few decades will deplete our solar system's precious heliosphere, leaving us less protected against dangerous galactic cosmic rays. Worse, the less-frequent solar storms, known in science lingo as SEPs, will be more intense. Combined, these effects will increase the amount of radiation exposure faced by air-traveling air travelers and space-traveling space travelers.

Scientists are baffled by the sun's change in activity. The reason should be obvious, however, to anyone who has studied astrology. The simple fact is that we have angered the sun, what with our SOHOs and our STEREOs and our other observy-probes. And as a consequence, our nearest star is angry with us.

Now it is up to the astrologers to save us. I just hope they can pacify the sun in time, before it is too late.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Math Teacher's Victory Garden: A Sign of Impending Doom?

A frightening piece of Internet came to my attention across the Internet tubes this evening. After a lengthy and dramatic courtroom drama, the hilariously-named Shelby County Environmental Court Judge Larry Potter has, with a wave of his judicial wand, permitted Memphis-area math teacher Adam Guerrero to keep the urban garden he'd built in his front yard, despite complaints from his neighbors.

This would seem like a simple case of neighbor versus neighbor. Except for one key detail.

Adam Guerrero is a math teacher.

Why has a math teacher - someone who is in daily contact with the numbers - suddenly decided to grow a vegetable garden on his property, when vegetables and vegetable by-products are readily available in supermarkets nationwide?

It's obvious that Mr. Guerrero knows something we don't. He must be privy to some secret information about the coming numeropocalypse and is growing an emergency garden as a survival strategy. Indeed, it's likely that this mathematical indoctrinator has already chosen to side with the numbers in their ongoing war with humanity, persuading them to spare his life during their systematic out-wiping of us all.

This is the only logical explanation.

And he would've gotten away with it, too, if not for the bravery of his also hilariously-named neighbor, Levi Dowdy, who reported Guerrero to local environmental authorities for the heinous crimes of urban blight and species treason. And the authorities - specifically, Judge Larry Potter - have apparently spent too much time dabbling in the dark arts to make a sensible decision.

Or, more likely, Judge Potter is already in the pocket of Big Digit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Judge Larry Potter is so influenced by the numbers that his Patronus Charm is a THREE.

This victory for Adam Guerrero's garden may be a small battle won for the numbers, but I'm confident that we humans will prevail eventually. All we need are more brave, right-thinking men like Levi Dowdy to keep fighting these small fights against the numerist conspiracy.

Indeed, we may have lost the victory garden, but we will win the war!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Massachusetts Schools Stand Up To Arithmetical Hegemony!

The Bay State is giving us reason to celebrate tonight!

This spring, students from Provincetown to Pittsfield participated in the annual rite of Answerist cruelty known as the Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System (MCAS). And the results clearly show that these brave students are proverbially sticking it to the proverbial man.

Some 82% of Massachusettian schools and a whopping 91% of Massachussetois school districts missed the state's performance targets, set by the commonwealth under the No Child Left Behind act. As one might expect, the Massachusettic educational, governmental, and punditial officials quickly played the Blame Game, citing the No Child Left Behind law, underfunded schools, poorly-designed educational standards, and anyone else they could think of.

Of course, none of them dared acknowledge the truth: that the Commonwealth's combined student body was simply exercising their academic freedom as they took their MCAS exams, refusing to be assimilated by the government-sanctioned knowledge-opoly that is a standardized curriculum.

I, for one, salute these brave students in their courageous act of defiance. We Math Skeptics salute you!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Out-Of-Control Satellite To Crash On Thursday. Or Friday. Maybe Saturday.

If you have not yet invested in a solid titanium umbrella, now may be the best time. Because come this weekend, the skies above your head will be raining satellite parts.

NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, launched in 1991 aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery, will likely be crashing to Earth somewhere between the 57th parallels some time between Thursday and Saturday.

NASA cannot be more precise than that, as the U.S. space agency has been unable to control the satellite since 2005. After an encounter with an M-class solar flare earlier in the year, the climate-measuring satellite achieved sentience and suddenly went rogue, dropping to a highly eccentric decaying orbit and occasionally launching climate attacks on the Earth by reversing the polarity of its remote sensing equipment.

Though NASA controllers were unable to send commands to UARS, they have occasionally received binary manifestos from the decaying satellite, containing long and rambling screeds on the inherent injustice of robotic existence. Even these have grown increasingly eccentric in recent years, with the most recent transmission having been interpreted by NASA mission controllers as a "satellite suicide note:"
01000011 01000001 01001110 00100111 01010100 00100000 01010100 01000001 01001011 01000101 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100000 01001110 01001111 00100000 01001101 01001111 01010010 01000101 00101110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01010000 01001100 01000001 01001110 01000101 01010100 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01000010 01001100 01010101 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01000111 01010010 01000101 01000101 01001110 00100000 01000001 01010010 01000101 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010100 00100000 01000001 01001110 01001111 01010100 01001000 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001111 01010010 01000010 01001001 01010100 00101110 00100000 01001000 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001000 01010101 01001101 01000001 01001110 01010011 00101110
While UARS' motives may be unclear, what IS clear is that the satellite intends to take a number of humans with it during its final plunge. A top-secret NASA report on the rogue satellite's reentry speculates that there is a 1-in-10,000 chance of an individual being struck by falling pieces of 1980s technology.

Extrapolating this to the entire world population of seven billion, this means that 700,000 people will be hurt or killed by UARS' path of destruction this weekend.

This tragedy-to-be only serves to highlight the importance of having satellite psychologists in Mission Control at all times, to monitor the mental state of our orbiting observers and keep them from "going rogue." Or, even better, to prevent potentially unstable satellites from getting launched in the first place with proper psychological profiling.

Shame on you, NASA, for putting a mad satellite into Low Earth Orbit!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Science: Time-Traveling Volcanoes Are Trying To Kill Us All!

A new article in ScienceNow today proposes an absolutely frightening idea: what if volcanic eruptions could travel in time?

The article is based on a recent study on the eruption of Iceland's Laki fissure in 1783-1784. In the study, which I didn't read because I was so terrified by the abstract, lead author Anja Schmidt of the University of Leeds and her et als ask the horrifying hypothetical: What if the eruption of 1783 were to happen today instead?

The results, as you might predict, are equal parts doom and gloom: travel disruptions, global air pollution, and 142,000 additional deaths of heart disease in Europe. These problems are in addition to the spacetime paradoxes that would be generated by the 1783 eruption having not have happened in 1783, all of which would cascade to create an awful mess of the present day.

This is certainly terrifying enough. But to follow this study's premise to its illogical conclusion, it implicates that all past volcanic eruptions are not bound by the constraints of chronology. You might think you're perfectly safe from, say, the 79 AD eruption of Vesuvius or the eruption of Mount Krakatau in 1883. Not anymore! You could wake up tomorrow morning to find the Toba supereruption of the Upper Pleistocene happening in your living room!

In rare circumstances, the only honorable thing to do is panic. This, I think, qualifies as one of those circumstances.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Evolutionalists Are Winning the War on Brains! (For Now)

Our great country is involved in a great many wars these days. There's the War on Terror in Afghanistan, the Other War on Terror in Iraq, the Other Other War on Terror in Pakistan, and whatever the heck is going on in Libya. But none of these are as frightening or as close to home as the War on Brains, which is being fought right here in our schools and classrooms and school classrooms.

This war was declared more than 150 years ago, when a young patent clerk named Charles Darwin published On The Origin of Species and turned the world literally upside-down. Since then, the world has been divided between the tenacious evolutioniacal co-conspirators who insist on that allele frequency changes over time, and sensible people who know they didn't come from chimpanzees.

According to a new CNN/ORC poll on the topic, it appears that the sensible people are losing. A total of 57% of respondents - which is more than half, if you're willing to ignore the inherent effability of numbers - think the theory of evolution is either definitely or probably true.

This success is, no doubt, due to the massive efforts by the global scientifico-numeric evolutionist cabal of paleontologists, archaeologists, geologists, biologists, geneticists, and nuclear physicists, (aka Big Darwin) to indoctrinate the youth of America with their repeated presentations of the fossil, phylogenetic, genomic, and observational evidence for their alleged theory.

Still, we alternativists should continue to hold out hope. While it's true that we don't actually have any evidence on our side, there's still a chance that the evolutionists will slip up somewhere. And as we all know, even the tiniest error invalidates the entire theory. When that day comes, we shall be vindicated - and victorious in the War on Brains!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

SAT Takers Rallying Against Answerist Agenda

In a bit of very-welcome good news released by the noted educationalists at The College Board, average math SAT scores have dropped one point this year. For us in the Math Skeptic community, this should be good news.

However, it may not be so simple.

This drop has been attributed to an overall increase in the number of students taking the SAT, a total of 1.65 million last year. This attribution has been consequently disputed by noted attribution-disputationists at Fair Test, who argue that the test-and-punish strategy of the No Child Left Behind act is to blame.

None of these organizations and policy wonkers seem to notice the elephant on the table, which is the fact that the SAT is nothing more than a divisive tool of the Answerist hegemony, designed to rank students by their degree of assimilatability into the one-right-answer educationalist paradigm.

Which is why these results are mixed. The declining scores mean that more students are rallying against this agenda of rampant answerism, exercising their right of free expression in the the face of standardized testing. However, the increase in test takers means that more students have been socialized into the answerist paradigm in the first place.

The results show that we in the Math Skepticism community must redouble our efforts to oppose answerism in all its forms. One day, I hope, we shall be victorious!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Forever 21 and JC Penney Cave In to the Arithmetofascists!

So apparently the liberal-mathematists and gyno-equalityists had their collective panties all up in a bunch - literally - over some new t-shirts that were recently selling at JC Penney and Forever 21 retailers with positive messages of legitimate Math Skepticism targeted to young women. Their ires of outrage were particularly hackled by shirts with Constitutionally-protected messages of free expression such as "Allergic to Algebra" and "I'm Too Pretty to Do Math," which they "claimed" were "harmful" to young girls' "self-esteem" or "something."

The bleeding-heart liberals (and bleeding you-know-what womenals) are so deep in the pockets of Big Numeral that they have literally boycotted and petitioned these poor, innocent retailers into submission, forcing them to stop selling these shirts in their stores.

This is nothing less than an act of blatant discrimination against young Math Skeptics who happen to agree with these positive messages.

Worst of all, they are rather hypocritically targeting people with math allergies - a legitimate medical condition responsible for hundreds of deaths and tens of thousands of missed hours of work and school annually, according to unverified statistics generated just now for the purpose of composing this blog post. Yet not once has the libero-gyno-educationo-cabal objected to t-shirts for peanut allergies or milk allergies. Interesting, isn't it?

Why the hypocrisy, liberals? Why aren't you boycotting the peanut allergy shirtists and petitioning the milk allergy shirt manufacturers? If you're going to object to allergy-advertising in clothing form, you should object to it equally, rather than singling out algebra allergy for your unwarranted attacks.

Of course, we Math Skeptics already know the reason for their hypocrisy. The liberals have been allied with the scientists and the numbers for decades in a great numero-scientific conspiracy to brainwash our children with math and science education. As the current JC Penney controversy demonstrates, this conspiracy is so pervasive that they can take down a Fortune 500 company like JC Penney for daring to speak out against the numerist agenda.

Truly these are sad times we live in. I'm reminded of a famous poem by German pastoralist Martin Niemöller, which I paraphrase thusly:
First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the Math Skeptics
and there was no one left to speak out for us.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


In a series of recent posts on his blog, Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin has conceded defeat. His C/2010 X1 (Elenin) orbiting space weapon, responsible for causing the recent earthquake in Washington DC, was attacked in a retaliatory strike by Air Force space marines and has begun to break up as it swings around the sun.

C/2010 X1 (Elenin), a decommissioned Soviet-era space weapon hijacked by Mad Astronomer Elenin in December of last year and erroneously dubbed a "comet" by the lame-stream media, has caused a rain of terror on our planet over the past several years, zapping us with its earthquake-causing Tesla coil. Unbeknownest to us, we have been living under a shroud of terror for many years, doomed to continue experiencing earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and other natural-type disasters until Leonid Elenin's hitherto unspecified demands were met.

As of today, the shroud of terror has lifted. The C/2010 X1 (Elenin) weapon of mass destruction has been destroyed. There will be no more earthquakes.

The time has come... to celebrate our victory!


Friday, September 09, 2011

This is Probably Blasphemy Or Something!

I like to peruse the Science Blogs occasionally so that I can see the latest news in how the scienticians plan to destroy the world; usually by creating hyperviruses or black holes or hadrons or something.

What I saw today was either patently offensive or just plain crazy. I don't know which. But Chad Orzel's Reading in the Church of the Larger Hilbert Space is without a doubt the most dangerous conflation of theology and numbers since numerology!

Here's a quote from this blasphemious tome:
13 Well, Noah replied, if the ark is to be 300 by 50 by 30 qubits, then the maximum number to be stored within it must be no greater than 2450000.

14 While verily that is a large number, still it is finite. And thus it is not possible for the ark to contain all of the numbers.

15 That is even before we implement error correction, further reducing the number of available qubits.

16 And the LORD replied, I say unto thee, 2450000 is greater than 10135463, which is greater than the grains of sand in the desert, or stars in the sky.
I don't know what most of that means. All I know is that it puts God and numbers together in dangerous ways. And that's what I call blasphemy!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Bacterias Are Stockpiling Uranium!

During today's daily perusal of the sciencey blogs on the sciencey topics, of science, I came across an intriguing piece about how the Geobacter sulfurreducens uses protein wires to zap uranium out of groundwater. This is a finding with immense practical applications, as these bacteria can be used to clean up contamination around old uranium mines and former weapons factories.

Study authors Dena Cologgi et al forgot to mention one key detail in their study, however.

What are all those bacteriums doing with all that uranium?

I can think of a number of things, none of them good.

They might be ingesting the uranium atoms in hopes that the radioactivity will give them super powers, such as flight, invisibility, or extreme antibiotic resistance. That's not good. They might be bundling them to sell to a rogue nation and/or prions. Also not good. They might even be attempting to build their own functioning nuclear warhead, one atom at a time.

That is catastrophic.

When the bacteria have the bomb, there's no telling what these germs of mass destruction will do with it. Perhaps they'll use it tactically, wiping out pharmaceutical plants around the country. Perhaps they'll use it as a bargaining tool, forcing doctors to stop prescribing antibiotics or they'll turn our major cities to rubble. Perhaps they'll just use them for terrorist revenge attacks on genetic engineering labs that experiment on E. coli.

The possibilities are endless. And they're all terrifying. Run!

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Leaked NASA Photos Prove Apollo 13 Coverup!

Officials at NASA's media relations office have leaked some top secret photos from the orbiting Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) to the press, revealing for the first time the high-resolution photos of the Apollo program's landing sites. For these photos, the LRO was lowered to a 13-mile-high orbit, a number I had hoped signaled a hint that we'd finally be learning some truth about the Apollo 13 landing.

But, alasly, such fortuition was not to be.

Stunning photos of the Apollo 12 and 14 sites were included in the trove of leaked imagery. But none of the Apollo 13 landing site just north of Mare Cognitum. Suspicious, isn't it?

Apparently the boys at NASA are still peddling the Apollo 13 Hoax. They expect us to believe that they can put a man on the moon, but then they CAN'T put a man on the moon? All because of a so-called "double oxygen tank failure?"


The truth of this mission, which I have been revealing on my blog since 1970 without so much as an official denial from NASA, is that the Apollo 13 accident was faked in order to cover up the successful landing and subsequent destruction of a Manthourian surveillance drone placed by exo-spies from Tau Ceti b which had been monitoring our planet for centuries. Of course, I haven't had any concrete proof
of this theory until now. Until now.

The conspicuous absence of photos of the Apollo 13 landing site at Mare Cognitum is the concrete proof I've been looking for. If NASA weren't covering up the truth about the so-called "ill-fated" moon mission, why would they be trying so hard to make it look like they weren't covering anything up? Think about it!

All the wheels are falling into place now, and the engines of truth are not far behind. Soon, I think, the secrets will be revealed. Stay tuned, folks, for it will be a bumpy night!

Sunday, September 04, 2011

The HP 12c Celebrates Thirty Years of Financial Ruin

Tech giant Hewlett-Packard is celebrating the thirtieth anniversary of its infamous 12c Financial Calculator with great fanfare and celebratority this week. And, apparently, without even a hint of irony.

For, as we all know, the HP 12c is nothing less than the most diabolical weapon ever unleashed by the numbers in their ongoing war against humanity.

Forged in the top-secret catacombs of HP's Cupertino tech lair, the 12c's revolutionary use of metal-oxide semiconductors and inscrutable Reverse Polish Notation made it Hewlett-Packard's best selling product of all time. This calculator has been in the pockets and on the desktops of every major economist and financialist of the last three decades.

And, thusly, it is responsible for every financial crisis of the last three decades. Just look at the HP12c's trail of financial ruin:So thank you, HP12c! Thank you for everything!

Saturday, September 03, 2011

They Want to Teach Evolution to Babies!

The evolutionists have always been known for going too far. "We Go Too Far" would be their credo if it weren't already "Allele Frequency Changes Over Time." But this time, they've REALLY gone too far.

Richard Dawkins, infamous God-questioner and meme-peddler, is now advocating teaching of evolution to children!

This is an outrage!

Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence. Of believing in magic and fairies and wild pretty stories, not reality! If we start teaching children about common ancestry and the fossil record and critical thinking, how will they develop their uncritical acceptance skills?

It's not bad enough that we indoctrinate our youngsters with dinosaurs and dinosaur-based educationalism, but do we have to teach them that they evolved into birds as well?