Thursday, April 23, 1970

Scientist Warns of "Global Warming." Could It Be a Hoax?

Would you believe that your car, television, radio, and nuclear power plant are all melting the polar ice caps?

Neither do I. But that's just what Dr. J. Murray Mitchell Jr. wants you to believe. In a presentation to the American Geophysical Union this week, Dr. J. will present his ludicrous hypothesis - that our modern air pollution is actually warming the globe!

The idea is preposterous, of course. We puny humans are just one species, and not even the largest one on Earth. The three billion of us are far outnumbered by birds, flies, trees, and even bacteria, so our impact on the "environment" is negligible at best.

Furthermore, this hypothesis will give people the ridiculous impression that air pollution is some-how a bad thing! Can you imagine?

Air pollution is nothing less than a symbol of our success as a species. The smog filling our urban skies is a visual, olfactory, gustatory, and respiratory representation of our technological prowess. It is something to be proud of - not lambasted by errant geophysical unionists!

Mark my words - this so-called "global warming" idea is nothing more than a hoax, certain to be forgotten in a few weeks.

Wednesday, April 22, 1970

Environ-mentalists About To Endanger Us All!

Today, the environ-mentalists and nature-huggers and tree-hippies will celebrate a new made-up holiday Earth Day. The brain-child of California Senator Gaylord Nelson, this much-ballyhoo'ed manufacture-bration is intended to celebrate the Earth and encourage all of us to conserve and preserve our planet. Cities all around the world -- from New York to Philadelphia and everywhere in between -- will be shutting down so that scientists and conservationists and green-types can preach about the evils of our convenientalized technological era.

It is a silly idea, of course. Our Earth has been around for thousands and/or billions of years and will be here for thousands and/or billions more, whether we have a holiday for it or not. Even more infuriatingly, it's not even a real holiday, so I still had to come to work today! Thanks for nothing, hippies!

But that's not the worst part, of course. The plain fact is that this so-called "holiday" is a highly dangerous idea, for a number of reasons.

First of all, the so-called "teach-ins" that will be hosted across the country will likely be highly influential on the minds of the general public. Let's face it: most people out there (with the obvious exception of my regular readers, of course) are gullible meat-heads who will obey anything told to them by a so-called scientist wearing a short-sleeve shirt and a tie.

Secondly, the designation of Earth Day without corresponding holidays for the other bodies in our solar system will no doubt anger them. As we know from centuries of Astrology, planets have extremely fragile egos. If we anger them by singling out Earth for a holiday, they will undoubtedly punish us with bad luck in our financial situation and personal relationships, and may even send an asteroid or two our way out of sheer spite.

Finally, the dedication of a holiday to our planet may dangerously overinflate the Earth's ego. This could cause our Earth to swell with pride and accreted matter to gigantic proportions. Our comfortable terrestrial planet may turn into a gas giant, crushing all of us with its massive gravity and drowning us in liquid air.

As irony would have it, this Earth Day intended to save our planet may indeed be the thing that brings life as we know it to an end!

Friday, April 17, 1970

Congratulations to Apollo 13 on a Successful Moon Landing!

Around the world today, the world is celebrating the return of the Apollo 13 astronauts safely to Earth after a harrowing mission to the Moon and back on a crippled spacecraft.


The Math Skeptic congratulates the crew of Apollo 13 for a successful landing on the Moon, as I don't for a minute buy this pie-eyed tie-dyed cockamamie story about the greatest spaceship ever built having an onboard explosion and whatnot. This is nothing but a cover story cooked up by NASA to hide the Apollo mission's true mission: interplanetary defense

I have it on pretty good authority that the true purpose of the mission was to seek and destroy an alien moon base that had been left there by colonists from Tau Ceti an untold number of years ago. Mankind has been at war with the Manthour of Tau Ceti for many centuries, even though few of us know it. The secret landing by Lowell and Haise was to confirm the total destruction of the alien base by impact of the Saturn rocket's S-IVB upper stage, and to inspect the site for and alien technology that might still be monitoring us from 239,000 miles away.

It's the only logical explanation. And I'm sticking with it.

Thursday, April 16, 1970

Is Apollo 13 Being Faked?

Unless you've been living either under a rock or in Rhodesia for the past week, you've heard about the unfolding events aboard Apollo 13. The news reports from NASA have certainly been nail-biting, and The Math Skeptic wishes astronauts Lovell, Haise, and Swigert a safe return.

That said, I don't buy it.

As a skeptic, I'm not convinced.

Mind you - I'm not one of these people who says that the moon landings of Apollo 11 and 12 were faked by NASA in a soundstage. Not at all. That's just silly. The evidence that the moon landings happened is overwhelming.

It's this landing that didn't happen that has me suspicious. And I believe the numbers are involved. There are just too many coincidences - Apollo 13, launching at 13:13, having an onboard explosion in the Service Module on April 13th. This, to me, looks like yet another case of the powerful triskaidekaphobia lobby trying to generate publicity for their so-called "unlucky number."

No, it all seems too convenient. According to a dream I had last last night, the landing happened as planned on April 14, and the astronauts accomplished their primary objective - blowing up an alien moon base that threatened the Earth. Also in my dream was Opie from The Andy Griffith Show, for some unexplained reason.

Sounds crazy, does it? Not when you consider that something WAS blown up on the moon, and recorded by Apollo 12 seismometers. NASA claims it was just the spent S-IVB impacting the lunar surface as planned, but I don't buy it. It makes much more sense that military men Lovell and Haise were doing their patriotic duty and protecting us from invasion by colonists from Tau Ceti, and NASA faked the oxygen tank explosion and the crew's harrowing journey using the LEM as a lifeboat is simply a cover story. Plus, it's the kind of feel-good story that generates interest in the Apollo program, which has been waning since we beat the Soviets.

Besides - believing that an American-made spacecraft malfunctioned and put our brave astronauts in danger is simply impatriotic. This is America! If we can put a man on the moon, surely we can put another man on the moon!

And that's why I believe the accident aboard Apollo 13 is a FAKE!

That said - I wish our astronauts a safe return tomorrow. Thank you for protecting us from the Tau Ceti invaders!

Saturday, April 11, 1970


In a world largely devoid of good news and utterly replete with terrible news, it is heartlifting to hear some good news now and again. And to-day is certainly one of those "agains." The news I bring you is something I have been waiting patiently to hear for more than a decade now.

Paul McCartney is leaving the Beatles. The so-called "Fabulous Foursome" from Liverpool are breaking up.

This means, of course, that the United States has officially won the British Invasion.

Following our victories in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, this constitutes our third consecutive victory against the British Empire, or - to use a phrase I have just cleverly coined and am now using for the first time in recorded history - our three-peat.

Now, I'm a little fuzzy on the terms of international war law and what have you, but I believe this victory over The Beatles means that we can now legally compel the Great British to stop their wasteful overuse of the letter "u" and their dangerous wrong-side-of-the-road driving. We shall leave such details to our fine diplomatic corps.

I shall take this time to celebrate our victorious victory. For AMERICA!