The Numbers Have Invaded Our National Past-Time!

The sport of baseball has always had a too-close-for-comfort relationship with numbers, as far as I'm concerned. Any sport that can reduce a human player's performance and talent to a series of numbers such as batting average and slugging percentage and earned-run average is already too deep in the pocket of Big Digit for my tastes.

However, this was apparently not enough for the numbers. According to a recent investigative report, mathematics now seeks to control the outcome of the baseball's playoffs - the very thing that makes the mindless tedium of the 162-game season remotely bearable. It appears that The American League Championship Series between whatever teams are currently competing for the AL pennant - I'm guessing it's the Yankees and the Red Wings or something, I didn't bother to actually read the article - hinges entirely on simple mathematics.

This is something I have suspected for a long time, as a matter of fact. It seems more than just random chance that EVERY World Series winner in the past century has finished with exactly four wins. There must be something sinister going on - it can not be a mere coincidence. The numbers are obviously trying to use the national pastime to bring us down from the inside.

Well I, for one, won't let it happen. Until the once-great sport of baseball rids itself of its numeristic tendencies, I shall continue to not really care about it.

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The Numbers and/or Ancient Chinese Have Invaded New York!

Shocking news out of Long Island today, folks. Shocking!

Innocent children all over the sleepy Long Island village of New Hyde Park are being indoctrinated with numbers and/or invaded by Chinese invaders. According to a deep-undercover investigative report in today's edition of The Island Now, children as young as kindergarten age are being taught to use an abacus to learn calculations.

An abacus! From Ancient China! Imagine! Next these innocent young youngsters will be building terra cotta armies and giant stone walls to protect themselves from Mongol hordes!

It's not bad enough we have to indoctrinate these poor New Hyde Parkial children by forcing them to learn math in the first place. But these educationalist bead-counters are making them do it on ancient Chinese technology. Disguising themselves with the innocent-sounding name "ALOHA Mind Math," a band of global mindwashers are spreading the gospel of Abacusism on our very own shores! If you are not outraged, you should be. At the very least, you need your outrage sensors adjusted. For this is indeed an outrage.

Absolutely True Little-Known Facts
About New Hyde Park, NY

• Surrounded by a 7-foot silver-plated wrought iron fence installed in 1871 to defend against werewolf attacks.
  
• Village Motto: Marginally Better Than New Rochelle
  
• Offered to Canada in 1907 as a land trade for Placentia, Newfoundland. Canada declined.
  
• Formerly known as The Other New Rochelle.
  
• Population of 190 Pacific Islanders, according to the most recent census. Number 200 will receive a 7-11 gift card.
  
• All forms of pole vaulting are illegal by village ordinance

Now I know what you're saying. "The Math Skeptic," you're saying, "aren't you just making a slippery slope argument?"

To which I say "of course!" For without slippery slope arguments, my blog would be a bunch of random prepositions on an orange background.

Neverthenoneless, my point to all this is that it is imbundingly clear that the numbers and the Ancient Han Dynasty are in cohoots, and sending their time-travelling invaders to destroy us with suànpáns of doom. It all makes sense, of course - who do you think taught them gunpowder and calculus?

So for the sake of humanity, we must resist this encroaching abacusification of our youth before this beaded menace destroys all that is left of our humanity.

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