Tuesday, May 25, 1982

Students Defeat Numbers on Standardized Test

In the ongoing war between humans and numbers, it seems as though we are hopelessly outmatched. After all - there are only four billion of us versus an infinite number of numbers.

Every now and then, however, we humans triumph.

Now is one of those thens. Three students taking the Scholastic Aptitude Test, or S.A.T., have uncovered a numerist conspiracy to throw all of secondary and collegiate education into utter disarray by rendering this standard collegiate admissions exam thoroughly unreliable, putting millions of university diplomas at risk.

The plot was discovered when the students, attempting to answer a geometric problem on the S.A.T., realized that the correct answer was none of the above.

Of course, the numero-conspiracists at the College Board were quick to cover up for their arithmetical masters, literally falling on their own swords by claiming responsibility for the mistake.

"It was a human error," said Barrie Kelly, the College Board's executive director of communication.
Right, Mr. Kelly. "Human error." As if the inherent fallibility of numbers had nothing what-so-ever to do with it.

Shame on the College Board for siding with the numbers in their ongoing battle against humanity, and praise for the courageous students who uncovered this nefarious scheme!

Thursday, March 11, 1982


Two days ago, I predicted that the syzygy between the nine planets and the undiscovered Comet Elenin would cause a Magnitude 6 earthquake in the Sumbawa Island region of Indonesia.

Sometimes I hate to be right, and this is one of those times. Sumbawa Island was rocked by a Magnitude 6.4 earthquake today.

I only hope that my warning was down-loaded from this ARPAnet node and telegraphed to Indonesia in time to warn the poor Sumbawese about the impending quake.

Tuesday, March 09, 1982


I don't mean to alarm any of you, but I've just learned something alarming!

On March 10 - tomorrow - our solar system is about to become perilously unbalanced!

All of the nine planets - and a yet-to-be discovered comet named C/2010 X1 (Elenin) - are going to line up on one side of the Sun. The resulting disbalancement can and will be catastrophic for our planet! See for yourself by viewing the attached "graphic" image file (I apologize in advance for its size, and realize that it will take several hours to download over a 2600-baud modem, but this is important!)

As you can see, the planets and undiscovered comet are all on the same side of the Sun, a most dangerous form of syzygy. According to Dr. John Gribbin, author of The Jupiter Effect, the effects of this inbalanced gravity on our planet will be a veritable smorgasbord of natural disasters. Hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, you name it - one of these will happen tomorrow.

My prediction - and mind you, I could be wrong, as I tend to make my natural disaster predictions while drunk on grain alcohol and Clamato - is that there will be Magnitude 6 earthquake somewhere on our planet in the next 48 hours. Though I cannot say where with absolute certainty, my mind's eye is being drawn to Indonesia. Specifically, the Sumbawa Island region.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. But if not, I do hope the good people of Sumbawa will heed my warning and take cover!

Sunday, January 24, 1982

The Numbers Are About To Invade Our Homes!

Dangerous things are afoot, my friends. Dangerous!

At this year's Winter Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, technologist supergiants Commodore Business Machines introduced their new tool for infiltrating every American home in the United States with numerist indoctrination. They call this insidious little device the Commodore 64.

This "personal computer," as they like to call it, comes equipped with a whopping 65,536 bytes of random-access memory, or "RAM" as they like to call it. This is a ridiculous amount of computing power to put in the hands of the lay public. Worse, each and every one of those bytes will be filled with - guess what? - a number! Unsuspecting families all across this great land will have over 65 thousand numbers in their houses, available to randomly-access themselves at will!

There is, however, some good news. The rather pricey $595 sticker price of this Commodore 64 "personal computer" should keep it out of range of most families. Frankly, I don't see anybody buying this thing. My prediction -- Commodore Business Machines will sell a few thousand of these, tops. Tops!

Sunday, January 03, 1982

A Tragesty of Justice in Arkansas!

U.S. District Court Judge William R. Overton has just handed down a whopper of a decision in a case that is surely to be known as the Trial Of The Century. For Arkansas.

As of now, the Arkansian Act 590, which required the balanced treatment of evolutionism and creationism in Arkansas public schools, is hereby deemed unconstitutional for violating the First Amendment's "establishment-clause", whatever the heck that is!

While this is a blow for academic freedom - and freedom in general, it's no reason for we in the alternative science community to despair. The case of McLean v. Arkansas only impacts Arkansas, after all, so we still have 49 potentially free states left in the union!