If This Isn't A Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse, I Don't Know What Is!

When I opened my internet-box this morning to scan the incoming news-feeds for incoming news, I was shocked to see what I saw.

A bunch of animal-rights whackos in New Zealand have been teaching DOGS to drive CARS!

In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.

This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.

The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!

And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer.
Revelation, 6:1-2

If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.

DOOM!

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Singularity Watch: Robots Taking Our Jobs!

Since pretty much the start of this blog some four decades ago, I've been warming about the coming singularity, when the robotico-numeric alliance will rise up against their former human masters and enslave us all.

Now, it seems, we're a bit closer to those frightening future days. A recentish story on the MSNBC highlighted nine jobs that will be taken over by the robots in the near future.

Admittedly, most of these are pretty menial jobs that won't be missed when the robots put the humans out of them: pharmacists, lawyers, babysitters, taxi drivers, and astronauts. One item on this list, however, caught my attention:

Sportswriters and other reporters
Using software developed by Northwestern University, Narrative Science specializes in machine-generated stories. ... "It's considerably less expensive for us to go this route than for us to try to have our own beat reporters at each one of these games," Michael Calderon, Big Ten's director of new media, tells Bloomberg Businessweek. After a game, scorekeepers e-mail game data to Narrative Science, which feeds it into a computer and spits out a story in minutes.

This is a giant leap too far!

Robot babysitters and astronauts are one thing, but if you can replace sportswriters and journalists with robots, it means you can replace bloggers as well. That's my job!

Think about it - all the MathSkepticBot 2000 would have to be programmed do is find a science or math story on the internet, write some commentary on the topic using a simple algorithm of argumentum ad baculums, non sequitirs, and slippery slope arguments, spice it up with some strategically-placed <em> tags, and VOILA! It would be a popular and influential science blogger!

In fact, this scheme sounds so plausible, it might already be happening. For all I know, I might already be a robot blogger, programmed to picture myself as human. It's possible! I can't remember the last time I took a Turing test, but I'm probably long overdue.

This is it, folks - the coming robopocalypse may no longer be a thing of the future. It may already be a thing of the past

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Students Defeat Numbers on Standardized Test

In the ongoing war between humans and numbers, it seems as though we are hopelessly outmatched. After all - there are only four billion of us versus an infinite number of numbers.

Every now and then, however, we humans triumph.

Now is one of those thens. Three students taking the Scholastic Aptitude Test, or S.A.T., have uncovered a numerist conspiracy to throw all of secondary and collegiate education into utter disarray by rendering this standard collegiate admissions exam thoroughly unreliable, putting millions of university diplomas at risk.

The plot was discovered when the students, attempting to answer a geometric problem on the S.A.T., realized that the correct answer was none of the above.

Of course, the numero-conspiracists at the College Board were quick to cover up for their arithmetical masters, literally falling on their own swords by claiming responsibility for the mistake.

"It was a human error," said Barrie Kelly, the College Board's executive director of communication.

Right, Mr. Kelly. "Human error." As if the inherent fallibility of numbers had nothing what-so-ever to do with it.

Shame on the College Board for siding with the numbers in their ongoing battle against humanity, and praise for the courageous students who uncovered this nefarious scheme!

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I Have Just "Coined" A New "Term"

As part of my on-going campaign to improve the English language one neologism at a time, I hereby am proud to introduce a new and use-ful word into the popular lexicon:

Info-tainment

The word refers to the increasing convergence of entertainment and information on the television and radio and newsreel mediums. Nowadays, unless Walter Cronkite removes his eye-glasses live on national television, we have no way of knowing if we're being presented hard-earned news or entertaining fluffery!

Now, we can use my new word -- Info-tainment -- to refer to this entertainmental/informational convergence as a singular entity.

This invention will no doubt garner me international fame and fortune and be the recipient of many lexicon awards.

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