THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW!!!

Gentlemen!

I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!

Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"

And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.

After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.

But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.

In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse

• Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
• Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
• Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
• Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
• Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
• Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
• Panic
• Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
• When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
• Panic

Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.

And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.

I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!

Sincerely,
The Math Skeptic

P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!

I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!

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NASA Declares War On Mars!

In a shocking development sure to shock you all, NASA's new Curiosity rover has now revealed itself for what it really is: an interplanetary weapon of mass destruction.

Chilling imagery of the Mars Science Laboratory's destructive rampage.

Top-secret images obtained from the Mars Science Laboratory's top-secret web site have revealed this shocking truth: that the roving probe is using a space laser to vaporize the planet Mars one rock at a time.

Disguised with the innocuous-sounding name "ChemCam," the roving weaponized laser has begun the systematic process of destroying the Red Planet. The only mystery is why. Is it a preventative strike to put off an impending Martian attack? Is it an attempt to cover up Manthourian Mars bases before they can be discovered? Is Mars blocking our view of Jupiter? Only the mystery knows for sure.

The other uncertainty is how the other planets will react to this unprovoked invasion of the outermost of the terrestrial planets. We can only assume that they will react in usual planetary fashion - with an onslaught of Earth-crossing asteroids launched in our direction.

So thank you, NASA. For DOOM!

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Comet Elenin Update: We're Probably Still Doomed

Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin continues unabated in his effort to convince the concerned public that his top-secret long-period space-based weapon of mass destruction is merely a harmless comet. Together with his evil sidekick Trent Reznor, Elenin has brought NASA, the U.S. Navy, the European Space Agency, and Roscosmos to their collective knees with his threat of global annihilation.

In a recent blog post, Elenin proudly announces that the Navy's Sun Earth Connection Coronal and Heliospheric Investigation (SECCHI) has capitulated to his demands, and will roll their STEREO spacecraft from their current Sun-orbiting positions - critical for warning us when we have angered our solar mother and she is slapping us with a solar flare - to observe his C/2010 X1 space weapon as it buzzes the Earth in September and destroys Norway with its Tesla death rays.

The Tesla death ray aboard this eccentrically-orbiting space station has already been used to create numerous earthquakes around the world since December 2010. We know this because the "comet" was discovered in December 2010 and there have been multiple earthquakes since then. Thus, by the scientific law of Correlation = Causation, the only logical conclusion is that the onboard Tesla coil has been zapping the Earth from beyond the main Asteroid Belt and shifting tectonic plates, with catastrophic results.

We can only hope that this astronomical madman will be stopped before he unleashes his tectonic power on Norway, and the fjords are destroyed forever.

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