A Courageous Stand Against the Environ-Mentalists!

In a post-apocalyptic world where terror, danger, and absolute terror reign supreme, it is nice to know that some individuals are still standing up against the forces of terror, danger, and absolute terror.

In Tennessee, that individual is apocalypse survivor Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation. Smith is taking a courageous stand against environmental terrorists who are literally threatening to set the state's water supply on fire if their demands to end the so-called practice of "fracking" are not met.

Don't believe me? Well, just watch this terrifying top-secret video of environmental activists committing their blasphemous acts of water-to-fire alchemy:

Thankfully, we who like our water un-set-on-fire have a friend in Sherwin Smith. "We take water quality very seriously. Very, very seriously," Smith said at a recent meeting in Mount Pleasant, Tennessee organized by the hilariously-named State Representative Sheila Butt (R-Columbia). Not content to remain the butt of residents' complaints, Smith added that environ-mentalist warnings about water quality "can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism."

"For far too long, the people of Tennessee have been rear-ended by these meddlesome environmentalists," Rep. Butt may well have said had she been interviewed for this story. "But now we can rest on our posteriors, knowing that this is all behind us. I, for one, just hope those environ-mentalists don't get their buttocks caught in the door on their way out of Tennessee," Rep. Butt may hypothetically have added.

Though this is indeed a victory for the good freedom-loving, terrorism-non-loving people of Tennessee, it is merely the first battle in a larger battle against environmental terrorists trying to light our water supply on fire and/or complain about the flammability of our water supply. We must stop them in the name of freedom!

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If This Isn't A Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse, I Don't Know What Is!

When I opened my internet-box this morning to scan the incoming news-feeds for incoming news, I was shocked to see what I saw.

A bunch of animal-rights whackos in New Zealand have been teaching DOGS to drive CARS!

In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.

This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.

The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!

And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer.
Revelation, 6:1-2

If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.

DOOM!

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Environ-mentalists About To Endanger Us All!

Today, the environ-mentalists and nature-huggers and tree-hippies will celebrate a new made-up holiday Earth Day. The brain-child of California Senator Gaylord Nelson, this much-ballyhoo'ed manufacture-bration is intended to celebrate the Earth and encourage all of us to conserve and preserve our planet. Cities all around the world -- from New York to Philadelphia and everywhere in between -- will be shutting down so that scientists and conservationists and green-types can preach about the evils of our convenientalized technological era.

It is a silly idea, of course. Our Earth has been around for thousands and/or billions of years and will be here for thousands and/or billions more, whether we have a holiday for it or not. Even more infuriatingly, it's not even a real holiday, so I still had to come to work today! Thanks for nothing, hippies!

But that's not the worst part, of course. The plain fact is that this so-called "holiday" is a highly dangerous idea, for a number of reasons.

First of all, the so-called "teach-ins" that will be hosted across the country will likely be highly influential on the minds of the general public. Let's face it: most people out there (with the obvious exception of my regular readers, of course) are gullible meat-heads who will obey anything told to them by a so-called scientist wearing a short-sleeve shirt and a tie.

Secondly, the designation of Earth Day without corresponding holidays for the other bodies in our solar system will no doubt anger them. As we know from centuries of Astrology, planets have extremely fragile egos. If we anger them by singling out Earth for a holiday, they will undoubtedly punish us with bad luck in our financial situation and personal relationships, and may even send an asteroid or two our way out of sheer spite.

Finally, the dedication of a holiday to our planet may dangerously overinflate the Earth's ego. This could cause our Earth to swell with pride and accreted matter to gigantic proportions. Our comfortable terrestrial planet may turn into a gas giant, crushing all of us with its massive gravity and drowning us in liquid air.

As irony would have it, this Earth Day intended to save our planet may indeed be the thing that brings life as we know it to an end!

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