There is perhaps no stronger ally of the numbers than currency. These twin forces of evil have been conspiring against humanity for all of human history, perhaps as far back as the Toba population bottleneck.
Today, the numero-financial conspiracy is conspiring to attack the innocent citizens of Kenya. Since January of this year, the numbers have been devaluing the value of the Kenyan shilling against foreign currencies, making it difficult for Kenyan importers and exporters to transact their foreign exchangations. As explained by allAfrica writer Mungai Kihanya:
If we had Sh1,000 in January 2011, we would have bought about $12.38 from the foreign exchange market. Today, the same Sh1,000 will buy us only $9.80. Therefore, the value of Sh1,000 has dropped from $12.38 to $9.80. Since the last number is smaller than the first one, the difference between the two will be a negative quantity - just as we expect! The change is $2.58. To find the percentage change, we divide the difference ($2.58) by the initial value ($12.38). The answer is -0.21, or -21 per cent.
While I dispute Kihanya's math on the basic principle that all math is inherently inaccurate due to the inherent instability of numbers, the overall message is correct: numbers are the root cause of all human suffering, and money is their mechanism.
I can only hope that this shilling-based assault on the people of Kenya will convince President Kibaki to drop this insidious currencical system once and for all, before it is too late!
I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Wednesday Best today, for today is a special day!
Today is the day in which you will be raptured!
According to prophet and spiritual leader Bang ik-Ha of Spokane, Washington and/or Korea, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like swooping cranes. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.
However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:
Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-Raptured
If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
Now I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"
However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.
If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.
Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!
Greetings, fellow Math Skeptics! On today's B.L.O.G. entry, I have some frightening tidings to report. It seems the recently-discovered Comet Kohoutek is coming to destroy us all. My source? None other than God himself. Speaking through David Berg, founder of Children of God Ministries.
When a man of the cloth says the world is going to end, it usually comes true. So we have good reason to be cautious.
God was a bit unclear about the date of the impending apocalypse, unfortunately, so Berg isn't quite sure when The End is coming:
IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE 21st (OF SOME MONTH). It either begins on the 21st or it ends on the 21st. Of course it'll be at its brightest--between November 21 and January 21, and really from December 11 to January 21 is the main course. Either that or December 21.
The obvious take-away message is that we must beware of all dates numbered 21. Which is fine for me - I beware of all dates from 1-20 and 22-31 as well. The fact that we use numbers to denote our days is a clear sign that our society has fallen into depravity and evil as a society. Also, homosexualism.
But I do fear for those unsaved among you who have not-yet learned to distrust numbers as I. The poor numeralists out there continue unabated in their digit-using ways completely oblivious to the cometary ruin they bring upon society.
I implore all my readers to heed David Berg's multiple warnings, and repent from their numeralist ways. If we all preach the gospel if numberlessness, perhaps the Great Comet Kohoutek will decide to spare us.
, unfortunately, so Berg isn't quite sure when The End is coming:
ruin they bring upon society.
will decide to spare us.