ELENIN ATTACKS WASHINGTON DC

As anyone with access to television, the Internet, or a reasonably efficient rumor mill knows, the Washington DC metropolitan area was struck by a 5.9-magnitude earthquake today, prompting evacuations, mass panic, and sending our nation's capital into utter chaos. The earthquake, which I accurately postdicted yesterday, literally took the city by surprise. At this very moment fires are erupting across the city, set by rioting federal workers angered to have their afternoon kickball games canceled.

The seismologists are positively baffled by the freak temblor, claiming that it may take months of investigation to pinpoint the source:

"Based on the data, to really be able to point out what has happened and what fault line was responsible it is definitely going to require more research. It can take several months to a year to discover the fault line," said Rafael Abreu, a geophysicist at the U.S. Geological Survey.

The problem, of course, is that the seismologists are looking down when they should be looking up. As we in the Math Skepticism community know, the obvious cause of this earthquake is the C/2010 X1 orbiting space weapon currently invading our inner solar system. Controlled by rogue Russian astronomer Leonid Elenin, this so-called "comet" has been attacking our planet for years.

This latest attack is the most frightening of all, however, for instead of attacking unnecessary countries like Japan, Haiti, and Italy, Mad Astronomer Elenin is attacking the United States.

If our possibly pod-cloned President isn't too busy golfing, I suggest he launch a strong counterattack against the Soviet Union. Just to be sure.

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ELENIN TO ATTACK WASHINGTON DC TOMORROW

BREAKING NEWS!

While engaging in my semiregular pastime of analyzing the JPL Small-Body Database for potentially Earth-threatening conjunctions, I discovered a TERRIFYING alignment between the orbiting space weapon C/2010 X1 (Elenin) and our home planet.

This may not look like much to the untrained eye, but to those of us well-versed in conspiriology, this diagram clearly shows the optical attack angle for use of an earthquake-causing Tesla coil.

There is a very good chance that Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin will command the rogue Soviet-era weapon system to attack. And what country will this Cold War relic turn its earthquake-causing on? Ours.

Mark my words: there will be an earthquake in the Washington DC area tomorrow. Take cover, Washingtonians!

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