Saturday, October 23, 1971

Numbers Claim Their First "Comput-er Hacking" Victim!

Long have I warned my readers about the dangers of comput-er use in our working lives. Computers are governed by numbers. And, as we all know, numbers are not to be trusted.

And now, it seems, the numbers and their tools of corruption - comput-ers - have put an innocent man on trial for the alleged "hacking" crime of so-called "code theft."

29-year-old comput-er whiz Hugh Jeffery Ward of Palo Alto, California, stands accused of so-called "comput-er piracy" for allegedly "stealing" a computer program from Oakland-based Information Systems Design (ISD). Allegedly, Mr. Ward used a telephone and a special code to allegedly gain access to ISD's memory-banks and allegedly "pirate" a $25,000 program.

This accusation is, of course, complete balderwash. Nothing has been stolen from ISD, as examplified by the face that ISD still has their comput-er program!

I will try to explain this using an analogy.

If, hypothetically, someone were to break into my house and steal my sofa, then I would no longer have a sofa. The alleged crime allegedly committed by the alleged Mr. Ward is the equivalent of someone breaking into my house and writing down my sofa. That is not what I or any sane language-speaker would consider theft.

But, of course, there is more to this. I fear the draw-strings of this case pull far beneath the surface, hinting at a behemoth of numerist corruption lurking in the murky depths of our comput-er age. It is completely obvious that Mr. Ward was obviously under the influence of the numbers when he allegedly committed his alleged crimes: using a telephone (numbers) and a special code (numeric) to obtain a comput-er program (containing numbers).

This, I fear, is but the first of many such cases we will soon see as the numbers and auto-mation and comput-erization take over our businesses and our lives. These incidents of comput-er "hacking" will increase as more of us fall under the influence of these tools of numerist hegemony.

I have hereby predicted!

Sunday, October 17, 1971

I Have Literally Coined A New Phrase!

Earlier today I found myself in a heated (some would say "heated") discussion about the data-base my team is putting together for our project at D.A.R.P.A. This discussion hinged upon the data to be based in our data-base, and specifically the data about the data being based in the data-base.

This "meta-data," as it is called, is critical to proper data basage, and there is indeed a growing body of terms that need to be invented just to describe this meta-data. My colleagues and I were quibbling over these terms when our project manager, Lance "Dude" Dudowski intervened.

"Gentlemen," he said, looking at us over the rims of his tortoise-shell glasses and adjusting his pocket protector, "it would appear that we need a meta-language for our meta-data."

"Dude," I replied, "that's so meta."

We all laughed, of course, as the turn of phrase and my dead-pan delivery was indeed quite humor-ous. But as the snorts and chuckles died down I found myself thinking about this newly-minted turn-of-phrase and its potential applications in other fields. "That's so meta" could just as easily refer to songs about songwriting, or movies about the film industry, or books about books.

Thus I present this phrase to the world. Literally decades before the invention of hipsters, the phrase "that's so meta" is now here-to-fore a part of the linguistic lexicon, and I am literally its inventor.

And now I bestow it unto you. Use it wisely and widely, my dear readers, for "that's so meta" is going places!

Wednesday, July 28, 1971

My Prediction Was Correct - Again!

The only thing worse and/or better than being right about one earthquake prediction is to be right about two earthquake predictions. And today I am happy and/or sad to report that I was indeed correct in my prediction of a pair of earthquakes in the Solomon Islands. The first of the predicted earthquakes struck on July 14.

Today, exactly two weeks later, the second predicted earthquake has struck the Solomon Islands.

Though it is perhaps premature to grant myself hero status, I will go out on a limb and boast that my earthquake and tsunami warning saved thousands - perhaps even hundreds - of lives.

If a monetary reward from the Solomonican government is in order, I will gladly accept. But I do this first and foremost to save lives as a gesture of goodwill to all men - even the exotic fruit-hatted ones of the Pacific Islands.

Wednesday, July 14, 1971

My Prediction Was Correct!

I am simultaneously proud and saddened to report that my earthquake prediction of two days ago was correct!

An earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter Scale was reported near the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific. As there are no reports of loss of life, I can only assume that the Solomonese heeded my B.L.O.G. warning and took cover at high ground.

Countless lives have been saved - thanks in no small part to me and my dream about twins riding a guinea pig.

However - I must issue a warning for continued vigilance. To date, only one earthquake has struck. My dream specifically depicted a pair of twins, implying that there will be twin earthquakes

Stay strong, Solomonicians! The earth-quaking is not yet complete!

Monday, July 12, 1971

Earthquake Warning: Solomon Islands!


I had the most bizarre dream to-night!

Details of the dream are sketchy, as dreams are wont to be. However, I shall try to recall as many details as I can, as the dream seemed fortuitously prophetic!

As I recall, the dream began with a pair of young twins were riding a guinea pig - or maybe a canoe - along a beach. It was definitely some sort of guinea pig/canoe hybrid.


A bottle washed up on the beach, and one of the twins opened it. Suddenly, First Chancellor of the Republic of Germany Otto von Bismarck leapt from the bottom and grew to gartantuan size, jumping up and down on the beach and thundering the ground into giant waves. GIANT WAVES!

I awoke in a fitful sweat and attempted to piece together the details - the twins, the beach, the guinea pig, Birmarck. Then it hit me - it was an earthquake prophecy!

Hereby I predict that not one but a PAIR of earthquakes will strike in the coming weeks. They will be centered near Papua New Guinea in the Solomon Islands, which is situated along the Bismarck Plate!

So if any Solomonians happen to be on D.A.R.P.A.-net right now, I urge you to print out this warning, make as many mimeographs as you can, and urge your authorities and friends to take cover on high ground. Multiple earthquakes and tsunamis are headed your way

Sunday, June 20, 1971

The Legendary 10th planet Has Been Discovered!

For more than a century, Astronomers and Astrologers have searched the heavens for a hypothesized Tenth Planet located between the Sun and Mercury. Nicknamed Vulcan for its high surface temperatures, this planet was first proposed by French patent-clerk-turned-mathematician Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier in 1840, to explain the unusual perturbations in Mercury's orbit. However, attempts to find the planet have been fruitless.

Until now.

Dowling College astronomy professor Henry C. Courten has now discovered the elusive Tenth Planet. Studying telescopic images taken during an eclipse of the Sun earlier this year, Courten found conclusive proof of an intra-Mercurial planet a few hundred meters in diameter orbiting about one-tenth the Earth's distance from the Sun.

The consequences of this discovery are staggering.

Not only will this cause a complete rewriting of the science textbooks to revise our solar system from nine planets to ten, but it also throws the entire endeavor of science in doubt. If science was wrong about the number of planets orbiting the Sun, what else could it be wrong about?

In fact, it would not surprise me if this discovery fails to gain any traction in the astronomic community. Indeed, there may even be a grand conspiracy among astronomists to keep this planet's very existence a secret!

Well, I, for one, will not be silenced!