ELENIN ATTACKS WASHINGTON DC

As anyone with access to television, the Internet, or a reasonably efficient rumor mill knows, the Washington DC metropolitan area was struck by a 5.9-magnitude earthquake today, prompting evacuations, mass panic, and sending our nation's capital into utter chaos. The earthquake, which I accurately postdicted yesterday, literally took the city by surprise. At this very moment fires are erupting across the city, set by rioting federal workers angered to have their afternoon kickball games canceled.

The seismologists are positively baffled by the freak temblor, claiming that it may take months of investigation to pinpoint the source:

"Based on the data, to really be able to point out what has happened and what fault line was responsible it is definitely going to require more research. It can take several months to a year to discover the fault line," said Rafael Abreu, a geophysicist at the U.S. Geological Survey.

The problem, of course, is that the seismologists are looking down when they should be looking up. As we in the Math Skepticism community know, the obvious cause of this earthquake is the C/2010 X1 orbiting space weapon currently invading our inner solar system. Controlled by rogue Russian astronomer Leonid Elenin, this so-called "comet" has been attacking our planet for years.

This latest attack is the most frightening of all, however, for instead of attacking unnecessary countries like Japan, Haiti, and Italy, Mad Astronomer Elenin is attacking the United States.

If our possibly pod-cloned President isn't too busy golfing, I suggest he launch a strong counterattack against the Soviet Union. Just to be sure.

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Comet Elenin Update: We're Probably Still Doomed

Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin continues unabated in his effort to convince the concerned public that his top-secret long-period space-based weapon of mass destruction is merely a harmless comet. Together with his evil sidekick Trent Reznor, Elenin has brought NASA, the U.S. Navy, the European Space Agency, and Roscosmos to their collective knees with his threat of global annihilation.

In a recent blog post, Elenin proudly announces that the Navy's Sun Earth Connection Coronal and Heliospheric Investigation (SECCHI) has capitulated to his demands, and will roll their STEREO spacecraft from their current Sun-orbiting positions - critical for warning us when we have angered our solar mother and she is slapping us with a solar flare - to observe his C/2010 X1 space weapon as it buzzes the Earth in September and destroys Norway with its Tesla death rays.

The Tesla death ray aboard this eccentrically-orbiting space station has already been used to create numerous earthquakes around the world since December 2010. We know this because the "comet" was discovered in December 2010 and there have been multiple earthquakes since then. Thus, by the scientific law of Correlation = Causation, the only logical conclusion is that the onboard Tesla coil has been zapping the Earth from beyond the main Asteroid Belt and shifting tectonic plates, with catastrophic results.

We can only hope that this astronomical madman will be stopped before he unleashes his tectonic power on Norway, and the fjords are destroyed forever.

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