The Plants Have Sided With The Numbers! (DOOM)

I don't normally read British news. In fact, one could say that I don't approve of the British, what with their left-side drivingness and blatant misuse of U's. But today I happened to stumble internetarily onto an article on the BBC News that literally frightened me to doom!

The numbers, not content with having vanquished the entire animal kingdom by driving its most important species (us) to near extinction in last December's apocalypse, are now turning their evil attentions onto the plant kingdom!

That's right. The plants are doing math.

British scientists studying the aptly-named Arabidopsis thaliana plant have found that it uses arithmetic to calculate the amount of starch it needs to metabolize overnight or something or other. I didn't really read the article, as I was too busy panicking to concentrate.

Besides my usual sentiments of fear, panic, and abject terror, I am also finding myself reacting to this story with a sense of utter betrayal. How could the plants do this to me?

Especially since I have recently befriended one of their kingdomkind!

Yes, in these sad, lonely months since the extinction of the vast majority of the human race, I have adopted a small leafy house-plant of the green and leafy variety to keep me company. I have watered it and given it dirt and table scraps as any good plant-parent would.

And this is how the plantar kingdom chooses to repay me. By siding with the numbers.

Most of all, I blame the damned environ-mentalists! Those tree-hugging hippie tree-huggers have no doubt inflated the plants' egos with their talk of flower power and tree huggability! Now the plants are seizing on our moment of near-extinction to literally take over the world.

I do not know how much more doom I can with-stand!

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NASA's MESSENGER Probe Celebrates Planetary-Annoyance Milestone!

Astronomists and technicians manning the MESSENGER probe are celebrating a dubious milestone today. The space probe they launched toward Mercury nearly eight years ago has now orbited the poor planet more than 1,000 times.

Those of us versed in the ways of astrology know full well that this is nothing to celebrate. It is only a matter of time before the winged planet Mercury becomes annoyed by this annoyance and decides to punish us with an asteroid or two.

The basic fact that the eggheads at NASA/Johns Hopkins University fail to understand is that some planets simply do not wish to be orbited. If Mercury wanted a moon, don't you think it would already have one?

NASA is playing with doom on this one, folks. If the world were not already scheduled for an apocalypse on December 21 of this year, I'd say our MESSENGER-meddling was a dire threat to human civilization!

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Leaked NASA Photos Prove Apollo 13 Coverup!

Officials at NASA's media relations office have leaked some top secret photos from the orbiting Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) to the press, revealing for the first time the high-resolution photos of the Apollo program's landing sites. For these photos, the LRO was lowered to a 13-mile-high orbit, a number I had hoped signaled a hint that we'd finally be learning some truth about the Apollo 13 landing.

But, alasly, such fortuition was not to be.

Stunning photos of the Apollo 12 and 14 sites were included in the trove of leaked imagery. But none of the Apollo 13 landing site just north of Mare Cognitum. Suspicious, isn't it?

Apparently the boys at NASA are still peddling the Apollo 13 Hoax. They expect us to believe that they can put a man on the moon, but then they CAN'T put a man on the moon? All because of a so-called "double oxygen tank failure?"

Pah!

The truth of this mission, which I have been revealing on my blog since 1970 without so much as an official denial from NASA, is that the Apollo 13 accident was faked in order to cover up the successful landing and subsequent destruction of a Manthourian surveillance drone placed by exo-spies from Tau Ceti b which had been monitoring our planet for centuries. Of course, I haven't had any concrete proof
of this theory until now. Until now.

The conspicuous absence of photos of the Apollo 13 landing site at Mare Cognitum is the concrete proof I've been looking for. If NASA weren't covering up the truth about the so-called "ill-fated" moon mission, why would they be trying so hard to make it look like they weren't covering anything up? Think about it!

All the wheels are falling into place now, and the engines of truth are not far behind. Soon, I think, the secrets will be revealed. Stay tuned, folks, for it will be a bumpy night!

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An Egregious Invasion of Jovian Privacy!

When I first heard that those poindexters down at NASA were planning to launch another one of their cornfangled probes at the planet Jupiter, I was concerned. We've bugged the giant planet quite a lot in recent decades, with those Voyager flybys and the Galileo intrusiveness.

But all of that pales in comparison to the interplanetary indignity of the Juno probe. This elliptically-orbiting robotic voyeur will literally be looking at Jupiter where the sun don't shine.

This outrage is simply outrageous!

If the planet Jupiter wanted us to see its poles, it would show them to us with a nice sideways orbit. Like Uranus. But the giant gas giant obviously values its privacy, keeping its nether regions far from the ecliptic.

When Juno arrives in July 2016, it will be taking the most invasive images of Jupiter ever made. Sure, these Jovian upskirt photos might tell us all about the planet's magnetosphere and internal structure and auroral activity, but the astronomical indecency is most definitely going to piss the gas giant off. Mark my words.

It's going to take the astrologers years, perhaps decades to atone for this iniquity. If they can calm Jupiter at all. After we've embarrassed the planet like this, we might just lose the protection of its gravity well forever. It may even decide to throw a few excess trojans at us, out of red-spotted spite.

If we manage to survive the coming apocalii in late 2011 and 2012, come 2016 our doom may be cooked!

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