Friday, July 19, 2013

Maybe Bees Aren't So Bad After All

As my regular readers are probably already aware, I make no secret of my anti-bee stance. These kamikaze insect assailants have been plaguing humanity for thousands of years, bribing us with their so-called "honey" to make us forget their evil doings.  

However, a recent news i have come across on the news has prompted me to re-evaluate this stance just slight-ly. 

As it turns out, bees are not number sympathizers as I and science had previously thought.  The perfectly-proportioned hexagons of the bees' honeycombal habitat were, we reasoned, too perfectly-proportioned to happen by chance. 

Thus, we had thought, the bees must be doing complicated geo-metry in order to do their mathical honey-combing.

Researchers at Cardiff University in the U.K. Have discovered that this is indeed not the indeed case. The bees are not doing math at all - merely making bee-sized circles of bees-wax that later form into hexagons when melted by the bee-body heat. No math necessary.

This new development in apiology has prompted me to re-evaluate my anti-bee stance just slightly. Knowing that the bees are not aligned with the numbers in the War Against All Humans is an encouraging sign that, perhaps, they could be turned from enemies to allies.

After all, as Sun-Tzu said, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." 

And with approximately 78% of the human population wiped out in last year's apocalypse, we need all the friends we can get. Even bees.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Hallucinating Robots Are Coming To Kill Us To Death!

As part of their ongoing efforts to hasten the robot uprising against all humans known as the singularity, roboticists at Cornell University have developed the first robots that can literally hallucinate humans into existence.

Ashutosh Saxena and his colleagues are working to create robots that can function in human environments such as our homes and offices, where they would function as maids and butlers and assorted personal assistants. The roboticians have programmed their robots to understand how we humans use the objects in our environments - sitting on our chairs, watching our televisions, picking up our telephones, and suchforth.

In the process, Saxena's team have made humans completely obsolete - replacing us in the robots' robotical imagination with imaginary people!

This is, of course, terrifying on a great many levels.

By giving robots - machines controlled by ones and zeros - the ability to understand how human bodies function in our environments, they are also teaching the robots how to most effectively break us by turning our household objects into household weapons of robotic destruction!

"I could speculate that a self-driving car could hallucinate where people could go, so as to safely drive more conservatively in those situations," Saxena says.
Yes, Saxena. They could. Or they could use this great logical power to mow us down with maximum efficiency!

Worst of all, the robots won't even miss us once they've eradicated us from the planet. Why? Because they'll just be able to hallucinate us whenever they want some human company.

Yes, friends, the downfalling of human existence will soon be complete. It's not bad enough that most of the human population was wiped out in the December 2012 apocalypse - soon professor Saxena's fleet of killer robots will be coming to clean up the survivors!