Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,
Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.
And He has.
Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.
In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.
Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.
But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.
And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.
Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.
But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.
I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.
The Math Skeptic
Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:
Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.
So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.
Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.
Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.
Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.
I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.
Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.
But by some miracle, I am still here.
It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.
One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.
Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.
Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.
Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.
More updates to follow.
Friday, December 21, 2012
If you see that this page has not been updated in a few hours, it likely means that I'm:
- Dead from an earthquake/solar flare/asteroid impact/crustal displacement/what have you.
- Unstuck in time and currently in the late 19th Century
- Stealing my neighbor's motorcycle
3:14 PM Central Standard Time
OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT
2:39 PM Central Standard Time
The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE
The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.
My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!
1:38 PM Central Standard Time
I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.
While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!
The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!
It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.
Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!
This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!
12:48 PM Central Standard Time
Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.
The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!
Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!
12:02 AM Central Standard Time
WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!
11:12 AM Central Standard Time
I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!
I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!
Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.
So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!
10:59 AM Central Standard Time
THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!
10:46 AM Central Standard Time
As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!
10:24 AM Central Standard Time
HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?
That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!
Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!
Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!
THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!
10:16 AM Central Standard Time
Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!
09:41 AM Central Standard Time
Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.
Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.
08:37 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.
Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.
07:19 AM Central Standard Time
False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!
It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!
07:02 AM Central Standard Time
Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?
06:21 AM Central Standard Time
Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!
Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!
01:31 AM Central Standard Time
starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.
12:44 AM Central Standard Time
Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!
12:08 AM Central Standard Time
It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!
Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"
And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.
After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.
But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.
In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse
Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.
- Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
- Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
- Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
- Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
- Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
- Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
- Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
- When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.
I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!
The Math Skeptic
P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!
I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
And! According to the scienticians and engineerlings at NASA, the crash of the GRAIL probes - nicknamed Arthur and Patsy - was deliberate.
To which I say BALDERWASH!Pee-Wee Herman Has A Big Adventure, there is a scene in which the title character falls off his bike or crashes into a biker bar or knocks over a wooden dinosaur or something, then gets up and dusts himself off and says "I meant to do that."
Well I assert that NASA just did the same thing!
Why would NASA deliberately crash some perfectly good space-ships into The Moon when they could easily leave them in orbit indefinitely as a lasting symbol of our space-faring prowess?
The answer: the Moon has MOVED!
It's the only logical explanation!
The Moon, likely succumbing to peer pressure from Mars and Jupiter, has shifted its own "orbit" around the Earth, confusing the GRAIL ships and causing them to smack into a MOON MOUNTAIN! NASA, not wanting to admit that they have lost track of the Moon's meanderings, concocted this "deliberate" "crash" story as a "red" "herring"!
NASA has been caught red-handed this time in a lie of deceit. And unlike Pee-Wee Herman, they won't be able to dance their way out of it!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.
However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry."festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.
AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!
This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.
I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.
The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.
Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.