Saturday, June 29, 2013

New Study: Teaching Math In School Is Pointless

The Post-Apocalyptic United States Department of Education (PAUSDOE) has released the latest report card on the educational achievement levels of U.S. students. The results are simply shocking.

That is, it's shocking if you are not a person well-versed in mathematical skepticism and aware of the inherent fallibility of numbers.

The National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) reports that while U.S. fourth graders have made gains in math since the 1970s, these math "skills" are essentially lost by the time students graduate high school. While half of 9-year-olds are able to do basic arithmetic at grade level, fewer than one in ten high-school seniors can do higher-level math such as algebra and geometry and whatever the kids are learning these days.

The unescapable conclusion we must inevitably reach from these results is that it is simply pointless to teach children math - a conclusion that fortunately dovetails quite nicely with my anti-math worldview.
Besides the well-known fact that arithmetical education is nothing more than an injection of numerist propaganda into the brain-minds of innocent children, this new report card demonstrates that it is a pointless under-taking anyway.

All of which is beside the fact that it is pointless to teach math at all in this brave new post-apocalyptic nightmare world. Children should be learning important post-civilization life skills such as how to distill squirrel urine into alcoholic beverages/wound disinfectants. Continuing to teach our surviving children pointless subjects like art and literature and science and math is simply an antiquated notion from the world as it was six months ago, not the world of today.

Monday, June 24, 2013

A Courageous Stand Against the Environ-Mentalists!

In a post-apocalyptic world where terror, danger, and absolute terror reign supreme, it is nice to know that some individuals are still standing up against the forces of terror, danger, and absolute terror.

In Tennessee, that individual is apocalypse survivor Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation. Smith is taking a courageous stand against environmental terrorists who are literally threatening to set the state's water supply on fire if their demands to end the so-called practice of "fracking" are not met.

Don't believe me? Well, just watch this terrifying top-secret video of environmental activists committing their blasphemous acts of water-to-fire alchemy:

Thankfully, we who like our water un-set-on-fire have a friend in Sherwin Smith. "We take water quality very seriously. Very, very seriously," Smith said at a recent meeting in Mount Pleasant, Tennessee organized by the hilariously-named State Representative Sheila Butt (R-Columbia). Not content to remain the butt of residents' complaints, Smith added that environ-mentalist warnings about water quality "can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism."

"For far too long, the people of Tennessee have been rear-ended by these meddlesome environmentalists," Rep. Butt may well have said had she been interviewed for this story. "But now we can rest on our posteriors, knowing that this is all behind us. I, for one, just hope those environ-mentalists don't get their buttocks caught in the door on their way out of Tennessee," Rep. Butt may hypothetically have added.

Though this is indeed a victory for the good freedom-loving, terrorism-non-loving people of Tennessee, it is merely the first battle in a larger battle against environmental terrorists trying to light our water supply on fire and/or complain about the flammability of our water supply. We must stop them in the name of freedom!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Plants Have Sided With The Numbers! (DOOM)

I don't normally read British news. In fact, one could say that I don't approve of the British, what with their left-side drivingness and blatant misuse of U's. But today I happened to stumble internetarily onto an article on the BBC News that literally frightened me to doom!

The numbers, not content with having vanquished the entire animal kingdom by driving its most important species (us) to near extinction in last December's apocalypse, are now turning their evil attentions onto the plant kingdom!

That's right. The plants are doing math.

British scientists studying the aptly-named Arabidopsis thaliana plant have found that it uses arithmetic to calculate the amount of starch it needs to metabolize overnight or something or other. I didn't really read the article, as I was too busy panicking to concentrate.

Besides my usual sentiments of fear, panic, and abject terror, I am also finding myself reacting to this story with a sense of utter betrayal. How could the plants do this to me?

Especially since I have recently befriended one of their kingdomkind!

Yes, in these sad, lonely months since the extinction of the vast majority of the human race, I have adopted a small leafy house-plant of the green and leafy variety to keep me company. I have watered it and given it dirt and table scraps as any good plant-parent would.

And this is how the plantar kingdom chooses to repay me. By siding with the numbers.

Most of all, I blame the damned environ-mentalists! Those tree-hugging hippie tree-huggers have no doubt inflated the plants' egos with their talk of flower power and tree huggability! Now the plants are seizing on our moment of near-extinction to literally take over the world.

I do not know how much more doom I can with-stand!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Math Indoctrination Camps To Indoctrinate Surviving Girls!

Despite their victory over the human race with the successful December 21 apocalypse that left all of human society in shatters, the numbers are not content. They are still working to destroy humanity's remaining remnants.

In their latest attack on humanity, the numbers are not only targeting innocent children, but innocent children of the weaker sex! Under the benign-sounding pretense of "free math and science camps for girls," the devious digits and their educational enablers are planning to expose innocent young ladies to their lewd and indecent arithmetical indecencies!

This is beyond outrageous, though we should of course be outraged. It is also quite un-sportsmanlike (un-sportsmathlike?).

We humans have been literally decimated by post-apocalyptic chaos, lawlessness, famine, and bad luck over the past six months since the End of the World, and the numbers are still attacking pockets of survivors such as this one in Ottumwa, Iowa.

I was brought up believing that we should treat girls gently, and have always lived by this credo. The numbers, however, know no such chivalrousness and are literally kicking girls when they are down and at their weakest. And yet you don't hear the liberal elites getting all up in panties about THIS "violence against women." I wonder why!

Well, probably because most of the liberal elite class is dead from apocalypse. But my point remains!