Tuesday, May 25, 1982

Students Defeat Numbers on Standardized Test

In the ongoing war between humans and numbers, it seems as though we are hopelessly outmatched. After all - there are only four billion of us versus an infinite number of numbers.

Every now and then, however, we humans triumph.

Now is one of those thens. Three students taking the Scholastic Aptitude Test, or S.A.T., have uncovered a numerist conspiracy to throw all of secondary and collegiate education into utter disarray by rendering this standard collegiate admissions exam thoroughly unreliable, putting millions of university diplomas at risk.

The plot was discovered when the students, attempting to answer a geometric problem on the S.A.T., realized that the correct answer was none of the above.

Of course, the numero-conspiracists at the College Board were quick to cover up for their arithmetical masters, literally falling on their own swords by claiming responsibility for the mistake.

"It was a human error," said Barrie Kelly, the College Board's executive director of communication.
Right, Mr. Kelly. "Human error." As if the inherent fallibility of numbers had nothing what-so-ever to do with it.

Shame on the College Board for siding with the numbers in their ongoing battle against humanity, and praise for the courageous students who uncovered this nefarious scheme!