Post-Apocalyptic United States Inaugurates First President!

So apparently the former United States is attempting to continue on with "business as usual." Today, President and possible pod-clone Barack Obama was inaugurated once again as the 44th President of the United States - and 1st President of the Post-Apocalyptic United States.

This is not entirely unexpected. I'm not at all surprised that the numbers allowed the President and senior government officials to survive. The U.S. Government is one of the world's biggest producers of numbers, after all, and it is blindingly obvious that all three branches are deep in the pockets of Big Digit.

Still, I can't imagine how they can reasonably expect to govern. By my estimates, the country has lost around 85-90 percent of its population, its transportation, communications, and sanitation infrastructure is decimated, and all of American society has broken down into a libertarian paradise of roving motorcycle gangs and mob rule. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "country's no country country."

This also creates a diplomatic dilemma: how should I handle relations with my former country of residence, now that I am officially President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World? Especially since the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Capital is landlocked within the United States and we essentially rely on them for replenishing of vodka and supplies and what-not. Prudence dictates that we should maintain open diplomatic relations - I'd hate to gave to go through customs every time I venture outside of my house to hoard can openers.

On the other hand, I fear that opening up relations too freely with the Post-Apocalyptic United States may lead to an immigration problem as American refugees fleeing the violent chaos of their homeland try to take refuge in my reinforced concrete bunker and start having anchor babies on my nice shag carpet and what-not.

A frightening thought INDEED!

Like everything else in this New Post-Apocalyptic World Order, I'll just have to approach U.S. diplomacy one day at a time!

---

I HAVE ACQUIRED A MOTORCYCLE

As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.

Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.

And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:

Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.

So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.

Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.

---

Day Two In The Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.

Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.

Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.

Also, vodka.

Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.

I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.

---

The Day After

Well, that was truly a terrifying night.

There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.

But by some miracle, I am still here.

It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.

One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.

Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.

Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.

Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.

More updates to follow.

---

LIVE-BLOGGING THE APOCALYPSE

In this post I will be providing live, up-to-the minute updates of the events of Earth's last day on Earth!

If you see that this page has not been updated in a few hours, it likely means that I'm:

1. Dead from an earthquake/solar flare/asteroid impact/crustal displacement/what have you.
2. Sleeping
3. Unstuck in time and currently in the late 19th Century
4. Drunk
5. Stealing my neighbor's motorcycle

And now for the live-blogged updates from the apocalypse/timequake!

---

3:14 PM Central Standard Time

OH GOD THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!!! I MAY NOT LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH THIS SENT

---

2:39 PM Central Standard Time

The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE

The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.

My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!

---

1:38 PM Central Standard Time

I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.

While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!

NOTHING!

The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!

It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.

Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!

This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!

---

12:48 PM Central Standard Time

Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.

Horrible!

The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!

Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!

---

12:02 AM Central Standard Time

WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN ON THE ROOF!?! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE CEILING OF MY SUBTERRANEAN CONCRETE BUNKER HOLDS OR I AM DONE FOR!

---

11:12 AM Central Standard Time

I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!

I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!

Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.

So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!

---

---

10:59 AM Central Standard Time

THE EARTH IS QUAKING AGAIN AND EVEN WORSE THAN LAST TIME OH GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE!

---

10:46 AM Central Standard Time

As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!

---

10:24 AM Central Standard Time

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY! WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?

That was a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!

Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!

Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!

THE APOCALYPSE IS STARTING TO REALLY CALYPSE NOW I KNOW IT!

---

10:16 AM Central Standard Time

Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!

---

09:41 AM Central Standard Time

Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.

Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.

---

08:37 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.

Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.

---

07:19 AM Central Standard Time

False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!

It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!

---

07:02 AM Central Standard Time

Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?

---

06:21 AM Central Standard Time

Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!

Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!

---

01:31 AM Central Standard Time

starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.

---

12:44 AM Central Standard Time

Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!

---

12:08 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.

---

THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW!!!

Gentlemen!

I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!

Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"

And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.

After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.

But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.

In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse

• Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
• Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
• Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
• Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
• Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
• Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
• Panic
• Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
• When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
• Panic

Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.

And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.

I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!

Sincerely,
The Math Skeptic

P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!

I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!

---

The World Ends One Week From Today!

Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"

Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".

And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.

In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.

It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:

• Seven gallons of distilled water
• Seven gallons of distilled vodka
• One pair of heavy-duty goggles
• One geiger counter
• Clean socks
• Two gallons of bleach
• Matches
• A stack of old newspapers
• A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
• Insect repellant
• Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
• Seven pairs of gardening gloves
• A can opener
• Canned and/or freeze-dried food
• Motorcycle
• Flashlight with extra batteries
• Battery-powered radio
• English-Russian phrasebook
• Pruning shears
• Sewing kit
• Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
• A clean scarf

Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.

Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.

With these preparations in place, you just might survive.

Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.

I wish you luck. You are going to need it.

---

NASA Confirms Apocalyptic Predictions

A new video leaked by the NASA public affairs office confirms what I and other conspiracy theorists have been speculating for years: the world is indeed going to end on December 21st.

Though the video, titled "Why the World Didn't End Yesterday," was obviously intended to calm public fears about the December 21 apocalypse, it is having much the opposite effect.

Why?

Because it is dated December 22nd.

There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd: The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.

This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.

The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.

If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!

---

If This Isn't A Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse, I Don't Know What Is!

When I opened my internet-box this morning to scan the incoming news-feeds for incoming news, I was shocked to see what I saw.

A bunch of animal-rights whackos in New Zealand have been teaching DOGS to drive CARS!

In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.

This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.

The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!

And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer.
Revelation, 6:1-2

If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.

DOOM!

---

A Brief Synopsis of the End of the World

"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."

One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.

Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.

The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.

At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)

The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.

There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.

What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.

In short, it will be a bad day.

---

Three Weeks Until The End Of The World!

Have you started preparing for the apocalypse? If so, I congratulate you on your responsible preparedness. If not, I lambaste you for your irresponsible lack of preparedness!

This is serious, people! Unlike all of the other times I've warned of impending doom, this time the doom is ACTUALLY ABOUT TO IMPEND!

For those who care to know. I have begun my preparations for the end of the world and the post-apocalyptic nightmare that is to follow. From a source that shall remain nameless, I have acquired a year's supply of vintage Crystal Pepsi, which I have been informed will be a sought-after barterable currency in the world to come.

I have also stockpiled the obvious foodstuffs such as canned goods and canned noodles and can openers. And in case I need to perform emergency surgeries or harvest organs from the recently apocalypsed, I have a full supply of home medical supplies (most acquired legally).

And I also have four cases of cheap vodka with which to drown my sorrows for however long I survive after the world as we know it is cast into utter nightmarish disorder. These may also be useful to gain acceptance into one of the cannibal motorcycle gangs that will be roaming the world after the world has ended.

I now feel reasonably assured that I have taken adequate precautions to ensure my prolonged survival in the nightmare world to come. If you have not done the same, I can only hope that you will come to your senses in the next threeweeks.

Doom!

---

One Month Until The End Of The World!

ALERT!!!!

DOOOOOOOOOM!

It has recently come to my attention that the world is coming to an end on December 21 of this year - exactly one month from now. I have obtained this top-secret information from various top-secret sites on the Internet. It is now an absolute certainty that we are going to collide with another planet or a comet or a giant space dragon on December 21, 2012. With this many people writing about it, it must be true!

This is not a drill, people, this is the REAL THING!

The obvious thing to do is panic. That much is obvious. The important thing to note is that you need to space out your panicking over the course of the coming month so that you will still have enough panic left for the end of the world.

---

NASA Declares War On Mars!

In a shocking development sure to shock you all, NASA's new Curiosity rover has now revealed itself for what it really is: an interplanetary weapon of mass destruction.

Chilling imagery of the Mars Science Laboratory's destructive rampage.

Top-secret images obtained from the Mars Science Laboratory's top-secret web site have revealed this shocking truth: that the roving probe is using a space laser to vaporize the planet Mars one rock at a time.

Disguised with the innocuous-sounding name "ChemCam," the roving weaponized laser has begun the systematic process of destroying the Red Planet. The only mystery is why. Is it a preventative strike to put off an impending Martian attack? Is it an attempt to cover up Manthourian Mars bases before they can be discovered? Is Mars blocking our view of Jupiter? Only the mystery knows for sure.

The other uncertainty is how the other planets will react to this unprovoked invasion of the outermost of the terrestrial planets. We can only assume that they will react in usual planetary fashion - with an onslaught of Earth-crossing asteroids launched in our direction.

So thank you, NASA. For DOOM!

---

What Really Happened Today

The Math Skeptic has been receiving some harsh criticism today, including claims that we "inflated" the "false threat" of "total global annihilation" resulting from our prediction that the rogue Texan-sized planet-killer asteroid MD 2011 was going to impact our planet and cause an ELE (Eli-Level Event). Some have even been so bold as to claim that we made the whole thing up just to boost our readership and t-shirt sales.

These claims are false.

Completely and utterly false.

This is because our predictions were, in fact, correct. Completely and utterly correct. The impact of asteroid MD 2011 happened, just as we predicted, at 1:01 pm EST, unleashing a global wave of destruction that wiped out all life on the planet Earth, save for a few small pockets of survivors forced to live out their remaining days fighting off motorcycle gangs and cannibals in a post-civilization dystopia.

The impact simply happened in the spiritual realm, not the physical one.

Sure, the post 6/27 world might look the same to you. Life may seem to be perfectly normal, but it is in fact not, for spiritually we ARE survivors in that global dystopia and/or dead and/or cannibal motorcycle gang members. We know this because the Bible says [placeholder - don't forget to Google applicable verse before posting!]. Our bodies and minds may be intact, but The End has already happened.

Do not fear - The Math Skeptic will continue to update, even in this post-spiritual-apocalyptic nightmare world, for the fight against numbers lives on.

Also, I'm trying to recruit members for my spiritual cannibal motorcycle gang. Please post in the comments if you'd like to join.

---

WE ALL DIED!

If you are seeing this pre-recorded, auto-posted blog post, it means that the Texan-sized planet-killer asteroid MD 2011 has plowed into the Earth and obliterated all life on the planet, including The Math Skeptic. And with the apparent exception of you. So congratulations.

This tragedy should not have been allowed to happen. We should have known that this would happen one day, and been prepared by building a solid titanium shield circling the entire globe that would deflect planet-killers like this one. Most of all, we should not have relied on inherently unreliable mathematics to "predict" the orbits of randomly-moving objects like planets and asteroids.

To those few survivors still able to read this, I wish you luck re-populating the planet and restoring human civilization. Please try to maintain order so the world does not descend into dystopian chaos like in The Book of Eli. That movie was hell of depressing.

---

The End Of The World Is Nigher Than Ever!

I have recently been informed by some friends over at ZetaTalk that the Earth is headed for a cataclysmic world-as-we-know-it-ending pole shift!

This impending disaster is going to be caused by a hitherto-undetected 10th and/or 12th planet passing by our planet and upturning us with its gravity. North will become south, east will become west, day will become night, and dogs and cats will live together in a state of mass hysteria.

One has to wonder why this has been kept secret from us for so long. It is likely that the Astronomers and Astrologers have known about it for years but have withheld this information from the public so as not to cause a panic.

Well, who's panicking now, eh?

I'd like to tell you more about this impending catastropocalypse, but I have to prepare for it myself. So much to do! I have to stock up on perishables and fill up my gas tanks and kill my dog and get a can opener. There isn't enough time to panic!

Brave readers, I wish you all the best and thank you for your reading patronage over these years. We can only pray that by chance we will all survive the coming doom!

Doom!

---

Happy Rapture Day, Everyone!

I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Sunday Best today, for today is a special day!

Today is the day in which you will be raptured! According to Bibleist and preacher Bill Maupin of Tucson, Arizona, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like helium balloons. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.

However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:

Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-Raptured

• If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.

Now I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"

However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.

If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.

Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!

---

Nuclear War Is Imminent! Head For The Hills and/or Islands!

Readers!

I do not wish to alarm you but I have some alarming news. It has just come to my attention that a NUCLEAR WAR is about to break out!

Regular readers will know that I have been warning about this for some time. Those crafty Russkis have been planning for our annihilation since the beginning of the decade. First, the Soviets began disarming us with their "detentes" and their "Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaties" and their "Helsinki Accords." Then they began jamming our radios and/or controlling our minds with their Woodpecker Signals. And now that we're disarmed and mind-controlled - they will WAR some time before the end of this MONTH!

How do we know that war will happen this month? Because it is foretold in The Bible and/or the sizes of the Pyramids of Egypt, according to Melbournian business-man John Strong, author of The Doomsday Globe. Using a complex series of calculations, Strong discovered that the End of the World would come in October, 1978 - that's NOW!

Strong is so sure of his predictions that he and several dozen followers are currently waiting out the upcoming nuclear armageddon in a secure, bomb-proof ranch in New South Wales, Australia.

I am a bit conflicted about this prediction, I should say. On one hand, I am understandably skeptical about the calculation methods Strong used to arrive at his prediction, given the inherent instability of numbers. On the other hand, the prediction is partially based in The Bible, which is always correct.

Unfortunately, the whopping $575 fee for survival is a bit out of my price range at the moment, as is flying to Australia. So suffice it to say that I shall not be joining Mr. Strong in his ranch.

But not to worry - I am taking precautions here, converting my basement/laundry room into a bomb-proof shelter and stocking up on non-perishables. THE WIFE thinks I'm crazy, AS USUAL, but we will see who thinks who is crazy when she's dodging radioactive fallouts and I am secure in my basement shelter!

I urge all of you to prepare as necessary. If the Bible is correct, WAR IS COMING!

---