The World Ends One Week From Today!

Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"

Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".

And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.

In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.

It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:

• Seven gallons of distilled water
• Seven gallons of distilled vodka
• One pair of heavy-duty goggles
• One geiger counter
• Clean socks
• Two gallons of bleach
• Matches
• A stack of old newspapers
• A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
• Insect repellant
• Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
• Seven pairs of gardening gloves
• A can opener
• Canned and/or freeze-dried food
• Motorcycle
• Flashlight with extra batteries
• Battery-powered radio
• English-Russian phrasebook
• Pruning shears
• Sewing kit
• Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
• A clean scarf

Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.

Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.

With these preparations in place, you just might survive.

Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.

I wish you luck. You are going to need it.

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NASA Confirms Apocalyptic Predictions

A new video leaked by the NASA public affairs office confirms what I and other conspiracy theorists have been speculating for years: the world is indeed going to end on December 21st.

Though the video, titled "Why the World Didn't End Yesterday," was obviously intended to calm public fears about the December 21 apocalypse, it is having much the opposite effect.

Why?

Because it is dated December 22nd.

There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd: The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.

This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.

The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.

If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!

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A Brief Synopsis of the End of the World

"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."

One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.

Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.

The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.

At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)

The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.

There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.

What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.

In short, it will be a bad day.

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THEY'RE ALL WINNERS!

Miss USA 2011 Contestants: Should Math Be Taught In Schools?



These ladies know the truth - math is unproven theory!

Tip o' the Skep-hat to Rebecca "Skep-Chick" Watson for pointing this one out!

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The Mauna Kea "Mystery" Flash Explained

The Internet is literally ablaze with speculation over the source of the mystery flash that was captured by a surveillance camera over Hawai'i's Mauna Kea observatory in March of this year.

The mysterious mystery flash left the observatory's astronomers so flummoxed that they forgot how to spell "astronomer":

My name is Ichi Tanaka, a Support Astrnomer of Subuaru Telescope, Hawaii. On the early morning of 22 March we, Subaru Telescope observers on the summit of Mauna Kea, noticed that there is a huge halo of light above the eastern horizon. It was slowly expanding to over 45 degrees in 5 minutes or more.
...
We have absolutely no idea about the nature of this. It appears that the event happened not on the Summit area, but much farther away, according to the comparison of the two videos. This means that the size of the light halo is quite large.

A range of plausible explanations have been offered for this phenomenon, from the fantastical suggestion that the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program somehow caused it, to the bland and pedestrian suggestion that this was caused by venting fuel from the third stage of an ICBM test launch from Vandenberg Air Force Base.

Two ridiculous explanations, to be sure, but certainly explanations.

We who are wise and understand the true workings of the world and/or universe already know just what's happening here. The fact that this phenomenon was aimed at Mauna Kea observatory should be a dead giveaway that this was yet another attack in the re-escalating war between the Astrologers and the Astronomers. Note that this attack happened just a few months after the Astronomers attempted to declare an unlucky 13th Zodiac sign, an act clearly within the domain of the Astronomers.

Coincidence? Pah! There is no such thing.

Sorry, Astronomers, but you brought this on yourselves. Hate to say "I told you so," but I did.

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The War For The Stars

I was aghast to learn that some of my readers are unaware of the centuries-old war between the Astrologers and the Astronomers for control of the Solar System. What are they teaching you people in school these days, besides homosexualism and evolution?

After an exhaustive evening of typing a few search terms on Google, I realized that there is little, if any, discussion of this ancient feud anywhere on the Internet, either. Upon reflection, this makes perfect sense. Both sides have good reason to cover it up, and thus they have both made Herculean efforts to remove all reference to it from the internet, as well as all world libraries and manuscripts.

For millennia, dating back to Babylonian times, the sky was the sole domain of the Astrologers. They were responsible for tracking the movements of the twelve planets in the sky and understanding their effects on our psyches and sex lives, but this was only part of their job. Less well-known is that they were responsible for pacifying the planets as well, lest they become angry and smite us with asteroids and bad lotto numbers.

And for many centuries, this arrangement worked out well. The Astrologers were revered, and the planets were kept pacified. Only occasionally would they throw a comet or solar eclipse our way to keep us in check.

Then, through the Middle Ages, some upstart Astronomers began moving in on the Astrologers' turf. In China, then India, then Persia and the Arab world - un-trained, non-Astrologers began gazing at the heavens and using new Number-based techniques such as calculus and trigonometry to predict the movements of celestial bodies. The Astrologers were understandably furious. All their hard work keeping the planets pacified was now being reduced to mere clockwork.

The conflict reached a boiling point in 1610 when a young and headstrong Italian patent clerk named Galileo Galilei began pointing a military spyglass towards the heavens and discovered the moons of Jupiter, an unconscionable invasion of the giant planet's privacy. The Astrologers could stand it no more, and declared War on the Astronomers. Working with their allies in the Catholic Church, the Astrologers had Galileo arrested for heresy and put to death for his crimes.

The Astrologers didn't stop there. Throughout the 17th Century, a great many Astronomers met their ends at the hands of the Astrologers' trained assassins - Tycho Brahe, Johannes Kepler, Taqi ad-Din Muhammad ibn Ma'ruf, the Huygens brothers, and countless others. The Astronomers fought back, using their sophisticated optical and calculation techniques to bombard the great Astrological Monasteries of the ancient world by trebuchet.

By the turn of the 18th Century, both sides were exhausted and most of the sky-observing world was in ruin. When a British geometry professor and hollow-Earth enthusiast named Edmond Halley proposed a truce between the two enemies, both the Astrologers and Astronomers eagerly came to the negotiating table. Thus in 1705, the Oxford Agreement was signed, granting both factions equal dominion over the heavens, so long as their areas of operation remained separate. The Astronomers would be allowed to observe and predict the motions of the stars and planets, and the Astrologers would be the planets' communicators and interpreters.

To commemorate the long-sought peace agreement after a century of brutal war, the Astrologers appealed to Jupiter and Saturn to ellipticize the orbit of a rogue comet that had randomly terrorized the Earth for centuries, which the Astronomers were then permitted to observe and document amid great fanfare. The comet was named for the peacebroker Edmond Halley, and since then has served as a reminder both of the truce between the skywatchers and the bloodshed that preceded it.

Today, I fear that both factions are inching towards conflict once again. The Astronomers are clearly seeking sole dominion of the skies, with their mountaintop telescopes and orbiting observatories. They have even sent robotic probes to view the outer planets close up, angering them immensely. The recent demotion of the planets Pluto, Ceres, and the Moon - and the Astronomers' consistent denial of the existence of the twelfth planet, Nibiru - has left our celestial neighbors and their Astrologer messengers positively furious. Asteroid "near misses" such as 2010 AL30, which just buzzed us today, are more than just warning shots - they are harbingers of what is to come.

Astronomers, be advised. You are playing with fire. I only hope that it is not too late to prevent a second War For The Stars.

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The End Of The World Is Nigher Than Ever!

I have recently been informed by some friends over at ZetaTalk that the Earth is headed for a cataclysmic world-as-we-know-it-ending pole shift!

This impending disaster is going to be caused by a hitherto-undetected 10th and/or 12th planet passing by our planet and upturning us with its gravity. North will become south, east will become west, day will become night, and dogs and cats will live together in a state of mass hysteria.

One has to wonder why this has been kept secret from us for so long. It is likely that the Astronomers and Astrologers have known about it for years but have withheld this information from the public so as not to cause a panic.

Well, who's panicking now, eh?

I'd like to tell you more about this impending catastropocalypse, but I have to prepare for it myself. So much to do! I have to stock up on perishables and fill up my gas tanks and kill my dog and get a can opener. There isn't enough time to panic!

Brave readers, I wish you all the best and thank you for your reading patronage over these years. We can only pray that by chance we will all survive the coming doom!

Doom!

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The Legendary 10th planet Has Been Discovered!

For more than a century, Astronomers and Astrologers have searched the heavens for a hypothesized Tenth Planet located between the Sun and Mercury. Nicknamed Vulcan for its high surface temperatures, this planet was first proposed by French patent-clerk-turned-mathematician Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier in 1840, to explain the unusual perturbations in Mercury's orbit. However, attempts to find the planet have been fruitless.

Until now.

Dowling College astronomy professor Henry C. Courten has now discovered the elusive Tenth Planet. Studying telescopic images taken during an eclipse of the Sun earlier this year, Courten found conclusive proof of an intra-Mercurial planet a few hundred meters in diameter orbiting about one-tenth the Earth's distance from the Sun.

The consequences of this discovery are staggering.

Not only will this cause a complete rewriting of the science textbooks to revise our solar system from nine planets to ten, but it also throws the entire endeavor of science in doubt. If science was wrong about the number of planets orbiting the Sun, what else could it be wrong about?

In fact, it would not surprise me if this discovery fails to gain any traction in the astronomic community. Indeed, there may even be a grand conspiracy among astronomists to keep this planet's very existence a secret!

Well, I, for one, will not be silenced!

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THE BRITISH INVASION HAS BEEN DEFEATED!

In a world largely devoid of good news and utterly replete with terrible news, it is heartlifting to hear some good news now and again. And to-day is certainly one of those "agains." The news I bring you is something I have been waiting patiently to hear for more than a decade now.

Paul McCartney is leaving the Beatles. The so-called "Fabulous Foursome" from Liverpool are breaking up.

This means, of course, that the United States has officially won the British Invasion.

Following our victories in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, this constitutes our third consecutive victory against the British Empire, or - to use a phrase I have just cleverly coined and am now using for the first time in recorded history - our three-peat.

Now, I'm a little fuzzy on the terms of international war law and what have you, but I believe this victory over The Beatles means that we can now legally compel the Great British to stop their wasteful overuse of the letter "u" and their dangerous wrong-side-of-the-road driving. We shall leave such details to our fine diplomatic corps.

I shall take this time to celebrate our victorious victory. For AMERICA!

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