A Brief Synopsis of the End of the World

"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."

One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.

Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.

The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.

At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)

The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.

There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.

What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.

In short, it will be a bad day.

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The Geologicians Are Rifting Scared!

In a frank and tepid admission of impending defeat, Steven Newton of the National Center for Science Indoctrination recommends that the Geological Society of America (GSA) continue allowing alternative interpretations of geology into their prestigious geology conferences. Held annually in the ivory tower of the GSA's top-secret Fortress of Geolitude, these conferences allow the leading members of the geologico-evolutionalist conspiracy to set their rock and fossil agenda for the coming year.

In recent years, a number of legitimate geologists who don't adhere to the 4.57-billion year timeline of Earth's history (as pushed by conventional geologists and radioisotopes) have been giving presentations at these prestigious conferences. These so-called "Creationists" have been rubbing elbows - literally - with some of the top members of the old-Earth consensus-pushing igneousati and by thus gaining secondhand prestigiousness.

This, as you might expect, has the members of the Worldwide Geological and Evolutionistic Cabal up in arms - literally. Some argue that these so-called "Young Earth Creationists" should be thrown from the ivory tower - literally falling to their deaths on the schist and gabbro cliffs below. Others argue that this will literally make martyrs of the alternative geologists.

It appears that this is creating a rift that threatens to cleave the Geologists in two. Moreover, it throws all of geologicalist science into doubt. If the geologists cannot agree on what to do with infiltrating creationists, how can they possibly agree on the age of the Earth?

Literally!

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I Have Literally Coined A New Phrase!

Earlier today I found myself in a heated (some would say "heated") discussion about the data-base my team is putting together for our project at D.A.R.P.A. This discussion hinged upon the data to be based in our data-base, and specifically the data about the data being based in the data-base.

This "meta-data," as it is called, is critical to proper data basage, and there is indeed a growing body of terms that need to be invented just to describe this meta-data. My colleagues and I were quibbling over these terms when our project manager, Lance "Dude" Dudowski intervened.

"Gentlemen," he said, looking at us over the rims of his tortoise-shell glasses and adjusting his pocket protector, "it would appear that we need a meta-language for our meta-data."

"Dude," I replied, "that's so meta."

We all laughed, of course, as the turn of phrase and my dead-pan delivery was indeed quite humor-ous. But as the snorts and chuckles died down I found myself thinking about this newly-minted turn-of-phrase and its potential applications in other fields. "That's so meta" could just as easily refer to songs about songwriting, or movies about the film industry, or books about books.

Thus I present this phrase to the world. Literally decades before the invention of hipsters, the phrase "that's so meta" is now here-to-fore a part of the linguistic lexicon, and I am literally its inventor.

And now I bestow it unto you. Use it wisely and widely, my dear readers, for "that's so meta" is going places!

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