Thursday, April 25, 1985

The Coca-Cola People Are Trying to Kill and/or Enslave Us!

I just got back from a trip to my corner delica-tessen and found that my beloved Coca-Cola soft drink has been replaced by a horrible monster.

For some infathomable reason unknown to all and sundry, The Coca-Cola Company has decided to change the beloved formula of their beloved soft drink for the first time since 1888. 1888!

The markety-advertising types who market-analyze these sort of things will probably tell you that this is the product of taste-tests and focus-groups and sur-veys and what-not. But I'm not buying it! I believe something more sinisterer is going on here.

This so-called "New Coke" must be a front for some dastardly plan. It's the only logical explanation. Who knows what sort of mind-control juice and/or toxic poison could be lurking in this new "formula?"

My theory - the Coca-Cola Company has been infiltrated by communists and/or computers and they are using this new formula to push their agenda of socialized medicine and/or killing us all. This change in formula is, I am absolutely convinced, the first step in a larger plan to destroy America and/or humanity.

Sure, some doubters will doubt me. I don't blame them. But mark you my words, proof will come. I predict herein that The Coca-Cola Company will employ some sort of Communist and/or computer-generated "spokesperson" to push this product in the near future.

This I Have Pre-dicted!