Hallucinating Robots Are Coming To Kill Us To Death!

As part of their ongoing efforts to hasten the robot uprising against all humans known as the singularity, roboticists at Cornell University have developed the first robots that can literally hallucinate humans into existence.

Ashutosh Saxena and his colleagues are working to create robots that can function in human environments such as our homes and offices, where they would function as maids and butlers and assorted personal assistants. The roboticians have programmed their robots to understand how we humans use the objects in our environments - sitting on our chairs, watching our televisions, picking up our telephones, and suchforth.

In the process, Saxena's team have made humans completely obsolete - replacing us in the robots' robotical imagination with imaginary people!

This is, of course, terrifying on a great many levels.

By giving robots - machines controlled by ones and zeros - the ability to understand how human bodies function in our environments, they are also teaching the robots how to most effectively break us by turning our household objects into household weapons of robotic destruction!

"I could speculate that a self-driving car could hallucinate where people could go, so as to safely drive more conservatively in those situations," Saxena says.

Yes, Saxena. They could. Or they could use this great logical power to mow us down with maximum efficiency!

Worst of all, the robots won't even miss us once they've eradicated us from the planet. Why? Because they'll just be able to hallucinate us whenever they want some human company.

Yes, friends, the downfalling of human existence will soon be complete. It's not bad enough that most of the human population was wiped out in the December 2012 apocalypse - soon professor Saxena's fleet of killer robots will be coming to clean up the survivors!

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Will The Real Human Candidates Please Stand Up?

Candidates:
We have reached the point in the campaign season when I make my impassioned plea on my gopher site to see the birth certifications of the candidates. Been doing it for almost a decade now with no success, but I hope this time my plea will be heeded.

Gentlemen, we live in dangerous times. Aliens from multiple worlds are anxiously awaiting the first opportunity to invade and enslave our planet, possibly by installing a pod-clone or android in the White House.

Not to alarm you all, but I have strong reason to suspect that one of you is such an android and/or pod clone. In the interest of fairness, I won't say which.

Oh, never mind fairness. It's Perot, ok? I'm pretty sure he's an android. Just look at the guy!

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'll be proven wrong. Prove me wrong, candidates - show me your birth certificates.

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