The Numbers That Stole Christmas!

Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.

This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.

However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.

Allegedly created by "festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.

AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!

This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.

I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.

The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.

Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.

War!

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Who's Laughing Now, Scienticians?

Last week, as you may recall, the scienticians and evolutionists and atheists and other assorted members of the anti-anti-science cabal were all a-gloating over the decision by the Texas Board of Education to ban academic freedom from the Lone Star state's science classes.

And gloat they did, proverbially patting themselves on their proverbial backs in celebration of the board's proverbial trouncing of science supplements that dared question the scientifico-governmentile conspiracy pushing the "Allele Change Consensus" into the innocent minds of Texan youths.

Today, however, I am happy to see that cosmic retribution is in order:

Tropical Storm Don is headed for the Texas coast, packing 45 mile-an-hour winds, 2 foot storm surges, and is preparing to drop up to 7 inches of rain on the wayward state, an obvious punishment for their educationary transgression.

Now I know what you're thinking. "I thought hurricanes were caused by homosexualism and/or Comet Elenin, not evolutionism, The Math Skeptic." To which I reply that you thought wrong.

However, I can understand your confusion. There are a lot of human and celestial causes of natural disaster activity here on Earth, and it can be very confusing trying to keep up with them all. Thusly, I have put together the following handy reference table to assist your understanding of the factors causing death and destruction:

Disaster	Human Cause	Celestial Influence
Hurricane	Homosexualism	Comet Kouhoutek
Tropical storm	Evolutionism	Vesta
Tornado	Germ Theoryism	Comet Hyakutake
Earthquake	Non-Christianism	Comet Elenin
Tsunami	Hedonism	Sedna
Volcano	Hubris	Comet Halley
Financial collapse	Deregulationism	Pluto-Charon barycenter
Flood	General disobedience	3753 Cruithne

This should clear up any confusion you may have had. If you are engaging in any of the above transgressions, I shall hold you personally responsible for any disaster that befalls you.

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Happy Rapture Day, Everyone!

I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Sunday Best today, for today is a special day!

Today is the day in which you will be raptured! According to Bibleist and preacher Bill Maupin of Tucson, Arizona, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like helium balloons. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.

However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:

Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-Raptured

• If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
• If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.

Now I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"

However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.

If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.

Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!

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