The HP 12c Celebrates Thirty Years of Financial Ruin

Tech giant Hewlett-Packard is celebrating the thirtieth anniversary of its infamous 12c Financial Calculator with great fanfare and celebratority this week. And, apparently, without even a hint of irony.

For, as we all know, the HP 12c is nothing less than the most diabolical weapon ever unleashed by the numbers in their ongoing war against humanity.

Forged in the top-secret catacombs of HP's Cupertino tech lair, the 12c's revolutionary use of metal-oxide semiconductors and inscrutable Reverse Polish Notation made it Hewlett-Packard's best selling product of all time. This calculator has been in the pockets and on the desktops of every major economist and financialist of the last three decades.

And, thusly, it is responsible for every financial crisis of the last three decades. Just look at the HP12c's trail of financial ruin:

• 1982: Latin American Debt crisis
  
• 1987: Black Monday
  
• 1989: Savings and Loan Scandal
  
• 1990: Swedish Banking Crisis
  
• 1992: Black Wednesday
  
• 1994: The Mexican Economic Crisis
  
• 1997: Asian Financial Crisis
  
• 2001: Dot-com bubble burst
  
• 2007: Global financial subprime mortgage credit-default swap worldwide economic collapse

So thank you, HP12c! Thank you for everything!

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Scientists Officially Nuts: They're Teaching Economics to MONKEYS!

That's right, folks. Science has finally flipped its lid. It has gone off the deep end and hopped on the express train to Crazy Town.

They've started teaching economics to chimpanzees.

Disguising their devious plan as a rather innocuous-sounding study on primate generosity or something, psychologists at Emory University successfully trained two female chimps to exchange colored tokens for food.

In other words, they taught the monkeys the secret of money.

This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, it's borderline animal cruelty, exposing poor, innocent creatures to the evil of numbers like that. Secondly, it's downright dangerous. These scientists have no idea what they've unleashed.

Sure, right now it's just PVC tokens for bananas, but once these en-chimp-reneurs get a taste of the green stuff, they'll want more. And more.

And these vicious animals - with twice the strength of a human - will do anything they have to in order to get more of that sweet moolah. Racketeering, pulling people's arms off, loan sharking, subprime lending, pulling people's arms off, armed robbery, commoditizing debt obligations, pulling people's arms off, you name it.

The worst part - we can't even run to the hills to escape the coming chimpocalypse. The forests are their natural habitat! WE'RE DOOMED!!!

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Numbers Destroy U.S. Credit Rating!

By now you've probably heard the news about Standard and Poor's downgrading the United States' credit rating from AAA to AA+, also known as "junk bond" status. This economic destructionism constitutes nothing less than financial warfare waged against our country by the numeric hegemony.

In a week that saw a victorious victory for America in the War On Numbers, with the layoffs of more than 60,000 teachers, it appears that the numbers have counter-attacked.

As if there were any doubt in this dastardly deed being part of a plot by the global arithemetical conspiracy, the numbers left a clue in the form of a $2 trillion "mathematical error" in S&P's calculations.

The human-traitors at Standard and Poor's were quick to attribute this to - you guessed it - human error. A thing which we Math Skeptics know doesn't exist. Humans don't make errors. It is the numbers themselves that are inherently inaccurate, and always searching for an opportunity to destroy us.

With this rating change, I fear they may succeed.

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Bernie Madoff: Just Another Alternative-Math Martyr

In just the latest example of the mathemagic-government conspiracy against alternative calculation beliefs, Bernard Madoff is now being sued for "fraud." And as usual, the liberal media has bought the math-lobby's cover story hook, line, and sinker.

This latest salvo against the math skeptic community has been launched by a group of so-called "victims" of Madoff's so-called "Ponzi scheme" who claim to have "lost" about 7 billion so-called "dollars." Yes, perhaps that's how it looks to the pencil-pushing accountants who willingly submit to the "consensus" math hegemony, but to we alternative-math believers Madoff's investment was a stellar success.

His "victims" profited handsomely in alternative-math terms, and the lawsuit being brought against Madoff by this sorry bunch of ingrates shows how deeply-entrenched the math conspiracy goes. Shame on you, Fairfield Greenwich! Shame on you for persecuting those who refuse to submit to "consensus" calculation.

FREE BERNIE MADOFF!

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