Thursday, December 27, 2012

Venturing Outside - The Live-Blog

As time in my reinforced concrete bunker has passed, it has become increasingly clear that my six months' supply of vodka (and other consumables but mainly vodka) will barely last another week. So I have decided - after much contemplation - to venture outside the safety and security of my bunker for the first time since The End Of The World. It will not be an easy journey, nor am I entirely certain that I will survive. But I am left with no other option but to replenish my dwindling supply of necessities. God only knows what I'll see out there, if He's even still alive. Since I may not survive this harrowing adventure, I shall live-blog my excursion to the liquor store:

3:14 PM Central Standard Time

Opening the hatch to my bunker now, preparing to take my first breath of outside air since the Apocalypse. Hoping it isn't poisonous and that it is not too thick with the smell of death and brimstone.

3:16 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the bunker and re-sealed the hatch. The air smells normal, but feels cold and lifeless. The sky is a grim shade of gray, and my street is as dead as the world I now inhabit.

3:23 PM Central Standard Time

Before embarking on my journey, I decided to take a quick walk around my house to assess the structural damage. Miraculously, it appears to have survived the apocalypse with only minor wear-and-tear. Miraculous! Still! I must be cautious. There may be zombies or mutants or cannibal gangsters hiding in the bushes!

3:27 PM Central Standard Time

My journey has begun. I am walking - cautiously - down my street now. I carry with my a smart-phone (obviously), a switchblade, a utility knife, a can opener, several bottles of Crystal Pepsi, and an ample amount of cash in my wal-- hang on. Shit.

3:31 PM Central Standard Time

I have returned to my concrete bunker for my wallet. While I'm here, I should probably take out the jars of urine and feces - they are making the air in here somewhat unpleasant.

3:37 PM Central Standard Time

Wallet in pocket, waste jars in the neighbor's trash can. I have now re-embarked on my journey. So far I have yet to see another living creature.

3:38 PM Central Standard Time


3:39 PM Central Standard Time

False alarm. It was only a squirrel, and thankfully one that does not appear to be rabid/mutated/undead. I will have my can opener at the ready nonetheless in case I need to defend myself.

3:47 PM Central Standard Time

TERROR! Upon reaching the end of my cul-de-sac, I was startled to see a passing car pass by. A blue sedan of some sort. I hid behind some convenient shrubbery as it passed. Though I did not get a good look at the driver, she appeared to be alive and not undead. This is an encouraging, though terrifying development. I am not the only survivor. I am not alone on the planet. I have a companion. And as Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President, I have a constituent. More-over, this means that there may be other survivors. Which also means more competition for supplies and resources. I must be even doublier-cautious.

3:56 PM Central Standard Time

Reaching the main road, it appears to be teeming with traffic. Dozens if not hundreds of people in my town have survived the end of the world! It's a miracles! This town must be a pocket of survivors! Though this is cause for celebration, it is also cause for non-celebration. As the sole remaining pocket of humanity, we will face the burden of rebuilding all of human society alone in the short time before our supplies run out. This daunting task will be daunting indeed. A more likely scenario is that we shall descend into chaos and kill each other to death!

4:19 PM Central Standard Time

I have reached the liquor store. Apparently the survivors in my town have begun to tee-total, for the shelves are fully stocked. This is impossible! And yet it is the only logical explanation for why the shelves could be stocked after all infrastructure in the country has been decimated, making shipment of goods and services impossible. More for me!

4:33 PM Central Standard Time

I have left the store, having purchased enough supplies to re-ample my fortified bunker. Though this is not The counter proprietor seemed to think the apocalypse was some sort of "big joke." He asked me if I was having a party, what with my five gallons of vodka. I replied that I was stocking up since the world had ended. To which he laughed. LAUGHED!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas, Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

The Post-Apocalyptic World President issues the following statement to commemorate the First Christmas of the Post-Apocalyptic World:
Gentlemen, ladies, and mutated bi-genderal survivors,

Exactly two thousand and twelve years ago today, a baby was born in a barn in Jerusalem or somewhere in that general Middle Easty area. That baby's name was Jesus H. Christ. He came to us from God to save the world.

And He has.

Well, not counting the events of this past Friday, of course. But for the two thousand and eleven years prior, He did save the world, and kept the world safe from apocalypses. And for that, we remaining survivors can all be thankful.

In years past, the holidays were a time for families and gifts and giving and general merrymaking with the trees and the tinsels and whatnot. We would gather around tables and celebrate with roasted turkeys and eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

Now we live in a new reality. A post-apocalyptic reality. Most of our family members are dead and/or unstuck in time. Families that once gathered around dining tables now gather around flaming debris in urban hellscapes scavenging for food.

But we can still celebrate. This Christmas, let's keep the holiday spirit alive, even if most of the human population is not. Tonight, let us all try to sing a carol or two, bringing some festive joy to the bleak nightmare world we now inhabit.

And let us also take a moment to think of those even less fortunate. Think about all those families that don't have a smouldering plane crash site to warm themselves by, and don't have corpses of deceased neighbors to feed on. Take a moment today and think about them.

Note: I wouldn't recommend trying to actually help the less fortunate, as it would be extremely dangerous. They are likely desperate people and will kill you on sight in order to harvest your bone marrow for gruel stock. I strongly recommend that you keep your distance from them at all costs.

But you should definitely think nice thoughts about them. Because it's Christmas.

I wish you and the surviving members of your family/tribe/cannibal motorcycle gang a very Merry Post-Apocalyptic Christmas.

Festively yours,

The Math Skeptic
Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World President

Monday, December 24, 2012


As President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I wish to inform all of my surviving constituents that our great nation has acquired a motorcycle. This all-important vehicle -- the Half-Car of Freedom -- will help our fledgling country in the coming weeks and months, allowing us to form a cannibal motorcycle gang that will defend our world-country from rival cannibal motorcycle gangs.

Also, it will give us the ability to acquire needed goods from abandoned houses in distant neighborhoods and transport them home in the absence of the municipal bus service, which has no doubt been decimated by the apocalypse.

And - I will not hasten to add - we have acquired it through completely and totally legal means. That is, means that are legal according to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution, which states in Article B Section G.b:

Wherein it is necessary for the World Government of this Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World to Providing for the Common Defense and Promote the General Welfare, the Post-Apocalyptic World President shall reserve the right to acquire goods and supplies and motorcycles via eminent domain should these goods and Dave's motorcycle be necessary to the survival of the nation.

So there we have it. I have acquired a motorcycle - on Christmas Eve, no less. In much the same way as Joseph and Mary Christ acquired a child and/or deity some two thousand years ago, I have come into possession of the thing that will save the Post-Apocalyptic World.

Yes, fellow survivors - the future is looking brighter already.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Day Two In The Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World

It is now two days after the apocalypse. Still no signs of life outside. Still no radio and television. By the looks of it, I am literally the last human alive on Earth.

Which is a mixed blessing, really. On the one hand, I've never really been all that fond of people to begin with. On the other, I could see this sort of life getting lonely after a while.

Being the self-declared President of the unified Nation of the Post-Apocalyptic World has its pluses and minuses as well. While it certainly is liberating to issue decrees and commands, I sometimes fear that I've become drunk with power.

Also, vodka.

Being drunk with power and vodka simultaneously is quite frightening. I don't know how Boris Yeltsin did it.

I have some vague memories of breaking off diplomatic relations with South Korea last night, but now can't be sure if I did or not. A potentially embarrassing international faux pas, if there are any internations left.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll venture out of the bunker and see what remains of my town. I shudder to think of what I'll find there.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Day After

Well, that was truly a terrifying night.

There were the tornadoes, and the timequakes, and the tornadoes filled with timequakes. It was absolutely horrible. I doubt many people survived.

But by some miracle, I am still here.

It's quiet outside. Too quiet. I wonder if I'm the last human on Earth, or if there are pockets of survivors out there somewhere.

One thing that's certain - most of human civilization has been literally wiped off the map. Whether they perished or merely became unstuck in time is a yet-to-be-solved mystery. Wherever and whenever they are, it is obvious that they took with them all of our societal and governmental structures. The President, the Congress, the Supreme Court, the United Nations, the international banking conspiracies - surely none have survived/remained fixed to this chronology.

Yes, the power and internet are still working, but these are computer-controlled systems, functioning without human input. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before the power plants and internet plants run out of coolant and melt down and I am left in the darkness with no connection to the world outside my bunker.

Until then, I will continue to blog. Maybe nobody is alive to read this, or maybe there are dozens or even hundreds of survivors. Whatever the death toll, I will continue to blog for the sake of the surviving remnant of humanity that remains.

Also just FYI, for any of you survivors reading this - I call Post-Apocalyptic World President. You need a post-apocalyptic nightmare world leader in this current global power vacuum, and since I've called dibs on it the title is officially mine, as codified in the Post-Apocalyptic World Constitution that I am currently drafting.

More updates to follow.

Friday, December 21, 2012


In this post I will be providing live, up-to-the minute updates of the events of Earth's last day on Earth!

If you see that this page has not been updated in a few hours, it likely means that I'm:

  1. Dead from an earthquake/solar flare/asteroid impact/crustal displacement/what have you.
  2. Sleeping
  3. Unstuck in time and currently in the late 19th Century
  4. Drunk
  5. Stealing my neighbor's motorcycle
And now for the live-blogged updates from the apocalypse/timequake!

3:14 PM Central Standard Time


2:39 PM Central Standard Time

The aftershocks are strengthening now, and I'm pretty certain that they are foreshocks to THE BIG ONE

The end is coming soon. I just know it. This indestructible concrete bunker can only take so much apocalypse! One more earthquake/tornado and I am done for.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a tearful/fearful farewell, as I will be too busy with the destruction and death when The Big One hits.

My best to all! Goodbye and farewell! I mayhaps will see you all on the other side!

1:38 PM Central Standard Time

I managed to find my flashlight and turn on the battery backup power system for my subterranean concrete bunker. We seem to be experiencing some severe but mild aftershocks now - or maybe foreshocks to The Big One.

While searching the media internets for news on the current global doomsday apocalypse, I was SHOCKED to find NOTHING!


The only news about the apocalypse - a very real event that is quite actually happening all around me appears to be in the form of snarky tongue-in-cheek hit-pieces claiming that the apocalypse isn't happening!

It is quite obvious that the global media conspiracy is conspiring to cover up the apocalypse, no doubt to keep the masses from panicking.

Attention Flash to News People: We're too busy DYING of APOCALYPSE to panic!

This is shameful! SHAMEFUL! You'd think the media would quit lying to us on our last day! But regrettably it is not to be!

12:48 PM Central Standard Time

Holy Caesar's ghost, that was a terrifying half-hour or so. The shuddering and shaking and whoom-whoom noises and the distant sounds of sirens and screaming.


The power is out now, as are the lights. I do not know how my blog is still working, but will continue to live-blog the nightmarish events of this nightmarish day for as long as I can!

Truly this day is the end of the world, as fore-told by prophecy and pseudoscience!

12:02 AM Central Standard Time


11:12 AM Central Standard Time

I am still alive once again, after yet another massive earthquake. Am frantically trying to find information from the US Geological Survey on the epicenter of the earthquake and am finding nothing. Nothing! How can the government cover up an EARTHQUAKE!

I can only wonder if these catastrophic catastrophes are being specifically directed at me!!

Without my sophisticated system of surveillance cameras, I am unable to survey the damage at ground level, and I cannot leave my concrete bunker because then I will be left unprotected from doom.

So I think for now I'll just sit here and panic!

10:59 AM Central Standard Time


10:46 AM Central Standard Time

As far as I can tell, I am still alive and the structural integrity of my subterranean concrete bunker is still sound. However, the MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE of a few minutes ago dislodged my surveillance-camera and I am no longer able to view the world outside my bunker. Guess I'll be experiencing the rest of the apocalypse blind as a fruit-bat!

10:24 AM Central Standard Time



Like being inside one of those paint-shaker thingys at the Home Depot!

Things were falling off the walls and shelves and the lights flickered and there is probably some minor structural damage to my subterranean concrete bunker!


10:16 AM Central Standard Time

Still no apocalyptic or even mildly catastrophic activities going on out there thus far. I am starting to wonder - and I do hope I am not taunting the forces of irony when I say this - that thus far this apocalypse is turning out to be an apocalisn't!

09:41 AM Central Standard Time

Still nothing happening disaster-wise. My motorcycle-owning neighbor has returned from his errand-running excursion with shopping bags, so apparently the global economic and financial systems have not begun to melt down just yet.

Give it time. By the time the sun sets to-night money won't be worth the paper it is printed on.

08:37 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet again. Almost too quiet, again.

Debating whether it's too early to resume drinking.

07:19 AM Central Standard Time

False alarm! It was just my neighbor, revving up his motorcycle! Flaunting his motorcycle-owning status to taunt me, no doubt!

It is no matter. Soon he will be dead and the bike will be mine. As soon as the poisoned hailstorms hit, Dave is as gone as a goner!

07:02 AM Central Standard Time

Loud noises outside my subterranean concrete bunker! Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?!?

06:21 AM Central Standard Time

Oh no! Why did I let myself sleep so long?! I just missed five hours of panicking!

Winds outside are getting very strong. I think there may be snow and hail. The sun is supposed to be rising now, yet the sky is still dark! The proverbial stuff is about to hit the proverbial fan I know it!

01:31 AM Central Standard Time

starting to think th 7 gallons of vodka i stockpiled arnt gonna be enough. Frk.

12:44 AM Central Standard Time

Getting a little windy outside. Natural movement or air masses, or the beginning of total crustal displacement? We shall soon find out!

12:08 AM Central Standard Time

It's quiet. Almost too quiet. The Mayan apocalypse will likely have a long introduction, like a Pink Floyd album. And like a Pink Floyd album, I expect it to get DANGEROUS very soon.

Thursday, December 20, 2012



I do hope that each and every one of you has prepared for tomorrow's Apocalypse! For suffice it to say that if you have not prepared for the December 21, 2012 Mayan apocalypse then you are unprepared for the apocalypse!

Now many of you may be saying "But The Math Skeptic! How can I possibly prepare for the End of all Earth? If all of us are going to die, what is the point of preparing?"

And indeed you have a point. An incorrect one, but a point nonetheless.

After all, when the apocalypse arrives tomorrow, most of us will die. Probably you, maybe even me. This is an inavoidable fact of apocalypses.

But there is definitely a very very slim chance that you will survive and go on living in the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come. It is this eventuality for which you must prepare.

In order to assist the irresponsible minority of you who have procrastinated until now to begin your preparations, I hereby offer this Preparations Checklist For The Apocalypse

  • Move somewhere far away from cities, power plants, shopping malls, and oceans. Construct an impenetrable subterranean concrete bunker under your house or in your back yard.
  • Stockpile non-perishable foods, non-perishable water, and non-perishable alcoholic beverages in your subterranean concrete bunker.
  • Transfer all vital identification and tax documents to microfiche, insert microfiche into a watertight capsule, and implant under your skin - preferably somewhere readily-accessible.
  • Acquire a motorcycle by any means necessary.
  • Keep a close eye on your neighbors - one or more of them may be conspiring to form a post-apocalyptic cannibal motorcycle gang. Plan to join and/or eliminate them once The End comes.
  • Make peace with friends and loved ones, including your ex-wife and your estranged son. (Note that this doesn't mean you're putting him back in the will after what he did. You're just making peace.)
  • Panic
  • Make sure your subterranean concrete bunker has a can opener.
  • When all other tasks are completed, take a few moments for quiet contemplation of your life and your contributions to this world, however meaningless they are about to become in the grand scheme of existence.
  • Panic
Only the future knows what the future will bring - be it death, annihilation, total destruction, or chronology-altering timequake. Maybe all of us will survive (doubtful), maybe none of us will. Whatever the outcome, we will arrive at the future in less than a day.

And now, on the eve of the global numeropocalypse I would like to thank each and every one of you who have read The Math Skeptic over the past four decades. It is for you that I do this. And also for me. I do hope that over the past forty years of blogging I have imparted some knowledge and wisdom and opened your feeble minds to the great truths about the dangers of mathematics.

I wish all of you the best during tomorrow's catastrophic events. May your inevitable deaths be as swift and painless as possible. (While I do hope for your survival, the cold reality of reality dictates that it shall likely not be the case.) Blessings and luck be upon you all!

The Math Skeptic

P.S. OH! I almost forgot to mention!

I will be live-blogging the apocalypse tomorrow, for as long as I have power, Internet connectivity, and consciousness. If you're still alive, please come back and read my frequent updates!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Twin NASA Spacecraft Crash Into The Moon!

In a shocking preapocalyptic development, NASA has announced that two of its lunar-orbiting spacecraft have crashed into the Moon!

And! According to the scienticians and engineerlings at NASA, the crash of the GRAIL probes - nicknamed Arthur and Patsy - was deliberate.

To which I say BALDERWASH!

You may or may not be a movie "buff" and therefore may or may not get this "reference" but if you recall the 1985 movie Pee-Wee Herman Has A Big Adventure, there is a scene in which the title character falls off his bike or crashes into a biker bar or knocks over a wooden dinosaur or something, then gets up and dusts himself off and says "I meant to do that."

Well I assert that NASA just did the same thing!

Why would NASA deliberately crash some perfectly good space-ships into The Moon when they could easily leave them in orbit indefinitely as a lasting symbol of our space-faring prowess?

The answer: the Moon has MOVED!

It's the only logical explanation!

The Moon, likely succumbing to peer pressure from Mars and Jupiter, has shifted its own "orbit" around the Earth, confusing the GRAIL ships and causing them to smack into a MOON MOUNTAIN! NASA, not wanting to admit that they have lost track of the Moon's meanderings, concocted this "deliberate" "crash" story as a "red" "herring"!

NASA has been caught red-handed this time in a lie of deceit. And unlike Pee-Wee Herman, they won't be able to dance their way out of it!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Numbers That Stole Christmas!

Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.

This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.

However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.

Allegedly created by "festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.

AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!

This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.

I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.

The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.

Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.


Friday, December 14, 2012

The World Ends One Week From Today!

Have you ever heard the expression "Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life?"

Well, today is like that. Only a more accurate expression would be "Today Is The First Day Of The Last Week Of Your Life".

And indeed this statement may well be true. Nevertheless, there is a very slim chance that you will survive next Friday's Total Global Apocalypse and/or Timequake, which as we all know was recently confirmed by NASA as the end of the world.

In which case, you should probably make some preparations, just in case.

It is not too late to put together a last-minute Emergency Preparedness Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Survival Kit that may allow you to survive the world to come if you manage to survive the End of the World. Here is a comprehensive list of the items you will need:

  • Seven gallons of distilled water
  • Seven gallons of distilled vodka
  • One pair of heavy-duty goggles
  • One geiger counter
  • Clean socks
  • Two gallons of bleach
  • Matches
  • A stack of old newspapers
  • A case of vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi
  • Insect repellant
  • Sealed and properly-labelled vials of your own bodily fluids
  • Seven pairs of gardening gloves
  • A can opener
  • Canned and/or freeze-dried food
  • Motorcycle
  • Flashlight with extra batteries
  • Battery-powered radio
  • English-Russian phrasebook
  • Pruning shears
  • Sewing kit
  • Several years' worth of back issues of National Geographic
  • A clean scarf
Once you have assembled all these items, store them in a box labelled "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL AFTER THE APOCALYPSE" and seal with duct tape (by the way, you should add duct tape to the list above. Also, penicillin.) You may want to leave the flashlight and emergency radio out of the box so you can find the box once the global power grid goes down, as it's going to be very dark in your subterranean concrete bunker.

Also - subterranean concrete bunker. You should definitely get one of those. If you don't already have one, a regular basement will do - be sure to seal all the windows and doors with plastic sheeting and duct tape.

With these preparations in place, you just might survive.

Well, probably not. I mean, chances are you're going to die and/or be sent backwards in time. But if you do manage to survive by some miracle of good fortune, this cachet of supplies will keep you alive until you and the remaining survivors re-establish a basic pre-agrarian hunter-gatherer societal structure in your fiefdom.

I wish you luck. You are going to need it.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

NASA Confirms Apocalyptic Predictions

A new video leaked by the NASA public affairs office confirms what I and other conspiracy theorists have been speculating for years: the world is indeed going to end on December 21st.

Though the video, titled "Why the World Didn't End Yesterday," was obviously intended to calm public fears about the December 21 apocalypse, it is having much the opposite effect.


Because it is dated December 22nd.

There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd: The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.

This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.

The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.

If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

US Students Rank Number One in Math and Science Resistance

In these preapocalyptic days, it's always nice to hear some good news. And we got some great news today courtesy of the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study. Fourth- and eighth-grade students in the United States were far outranked in math and science by their peers in Europe and Asia, demonstrating that American students remain the best in the civilized world at resisting mathematico-scientific indoctrination.


This is not a time for complacency. According to the results of the study - and putting aside for a moment the inherent fallibility of numbers - United Statesian students are still scoring above average. Worse, the average 8th grade science score has been steadily rising since 1995.

This means that the forces of mathematical and scientific proselytization have been hard at work like busy beavers over the past few decades, and show no signs of stopping in the near future. Assuming they survive the coming worldwide destruction of the world, they will continue to push the unproven religion of math and scientific inquiry on our innocent youth.

Still, I remain confident in our ability to overcome the forces of factism. The bells of academic freedom will soon ring all across this great nation, and lo, they will toll for me and the rest of the skeptics of math among us.

Assuming we survive the next two weeks, of course.

Friday, December 07, 2012

So Apparently You Need A LICENSE To Buy A Motorcycle Now!

Well, suffice it to say that my preparations for the impending apocalypse have hit a minor snag.

It is a well-established fact that the post-apocalyptic nightmare world to come will be ruled by warring cannibal motorcycle gangs. This is simply the default human response to a breakdown of law and order - we return to our baser instincts and resort to tribalism and motorcycle maintenance. We need only to look at current events in power vacuums such as Somalia and Tennessee to see evidence of this.

So thusfore my post-apocalyptic survival plan has been to join -- or preferably start -- a cannibal motorcycle gang. I already have most or the prerequisite qualities: ability to lead, charming good looks, rugged individualism, and a callous disregard for human life. The only element I'm missing is a motorcycle.

Not a problem, I thought. I can always buy one. So this morning I withdrew some money from my savings account (mattress) and took the bus to my local motor-cycle store ready to make this absolutely necessary for my future survival purchase.

At first, the smarmy goatee-clad salesman was friendly enough. But he seemed to turn suspicious when I asked him if the brake pedal was on the left or the right in this particular model - a perfectly legitimate question under the circumstances, I would think! He then began to interrogate me with a number of insulting, personal questions: how long have I been riding, when did get my license, have I been drinking, do I even know how to drive, and what have you.

The smarmy salesgoatee was un-abated in his questioning even when I brandished a wad of cash, saying he was "uncomfortable" selling a "motor vehicle" to me.

Apparently the power-clad overreaching liberals in the government have made it illegal to drive a motorcycle without a license. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA!

No doubt, this is undoubtedly part of the government's plan - to keep us powerless and motorcycle-less when the end comes. And the motor-cycle dealerships are all in on the conspiracy, hoarding all the half-cars for themselves so they'll have an ample post-apocalyptic supply. I'm on to you, Mr. Salesgoatee! You are most assuredly not welcome in MY gang!

So three weeks to the day from The End, I do not have a motorcycle. But I do have a Plan.

You see, my neighbor Dave owns a motorcycle. He is one of those pseudo-skeptic science-believers who refuses to accept predictions of the coming doomsday, and has not made any preparations whatsoever for the post-apocalyptic world to come. So I expect that he'll be one of the first to die, after which I will easily acquire his motorcycle without any resistance.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

If This Isn't A Sign Of The Impending Apocalypse, I Don't Know What Is!

When I opened my internet-box this morning to scan the incoming news-feeds for incoming news, I was shocked to see what I saw.

A bunch of animal-rights whackos in New Zealand have been teaching DOGS to drive CARS!

In what was apparently a publicity stunt to raise awareness of the existence of dog adoption or somesuch nonsense, the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of New Zealand has taught three canines to operate a motor vehicle, without ANY REGARD for the unintended consequences of their actions.

This sets a dangerous precedent for inferior species everywhere, as they too may be inspired by the driving dogs of New Zealand and learn how to operate motor vehicles, heavy machinery, attack drones, and can openers. They will then be able to replace us in the coming post-apocalyptic nightmare world, taking over our industrial factories and warehouses and distribution centers, using their new-found technological knowledge to wipe out the remaining human survivors.

The world will soon be dominated by tail-wagging four-legged ANIMALS instead of PEOPLE!

And if you have any doubts about this prediction, I remind you that this was foretold in The Bible as a sign of the coming apocalypse:

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
And I saw, and behold a Dog driving a car: and he that sat in the car had a seat-belt; and a steering wheel was given unto him: and he went forth driving, and to conquer.
Revelation, 6:1-2
If you had any lingering doubts as to the coming apocalypse, you should not doubt any longer. The first of the seals has been opened. Certain doom awaits.


Wednesday, December 05, 2012

A Brief Synopsis of the End of the World

"Some say the world will end in fire, others in ice. I say it's probly gonna be a little of both."
One thing is absolutely certain: the world is ending on December 21. There is no question about that, as confirmed by the overwhelming consensus of 2012 Doomsday believers who believe that doomsday is coming this month.

Many readers have written to ask me how the world is going to end. The details here are a bit fuzzy, but the fact is that on December 21, a confluence of astronomical forces will come together in a "perfect storm" of doom. I'll try and lay out the scenario to the best of my ability.

The main driver of doomsday will be a close encounter with the invisible rogue planet Nibiru. This planet, also known as Planet X by its discoverer -- Slavic patent-clerk-turned-astrophysicist Zecariah Sitchin -- will literally pass between the Earth and the Moon on Dec. 21. This will split the Moon in two and cause the Earth's axis of rotation to flip - a 180 degree pole shift.

At the same time, we will be entering a period in our orbit about the sun that eclipses us from the supermassive black hole at the galactic center. This unfortunate galactic alignment will literally cut us off from the galaxy's critical supply of cosmic rays, opening a hole in the ionosphere and causing our magnetic poles to shift sideways and/or turnwise (leading pseudoscientists are still debating this point.)

The conflict between our rotational axes and geomagnetic poles will cause the Earth's mantle to liquify, sending the tectonic plates into free drift and allowing continents to roam about the planet like stray cattle. During this crustal displacement, some land masses may sink, drowning entire countries under oceans of lava and oceans.

There may also be a supercaldera eruption or two. Again, pseudoscientists are fuzzy on this point.

What is not in doubt is the fact that these events will literally rip all human infrastructure, governance, and societal structure from its foundations and send the remaining survivors back to pre-agrarian times. The only difference between the future us and our ancestors is that we will have motorcycles with which to form cannibal motorcycle gangs, perpetually engaged in tribal warfare with rival gangs over dwindling supplies until somebody figures out how to invent fire again.

In short, it will be a bad day.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Undisputable Proof of the Climatist-Numerist Conspiracy

A shocking exposé of climate science by James Lawrence Powell, executive director of the National Physical Science Consortium, has uncovered what I have been saying about Global Warming since the 1970s. It is nothing less than a gigantic conspiracy coordinated by thousands of scientists over more than 40 years.

Powell, author of The Inquisition of Climate Science, studied nearly fourteen thousand journal articles published between 1991 and 2012 about "global warming" or "climate change." Of these, a grand total of 24 rejected the theory of global warming.

The author justfied his findings thusly:

Anyone can repeat this search and post their findings. Another reviewer would likely have slightly different standards than mine and get a different number of rejecting articles. But no one will be able to reach a different conclusion, for only one conclusion is possible: Within science, global warming denial has virtually no influence. Its influence is instead on a misguided media, politicians all-too-willing to deny science for their own gain, and a gullible public.
Of course, we skeptics know that this is merely a cover story for a far more nefarious collusion between the climate scientists and their number-controlled masters to enslave humanity via arithmetic. The fact that so few scientists are publishing anti-climate articles proves this. After all - as we all know - absence of evidence is evidence of a conspiracy.

Not that it matters, of course, as there are less than four weeks left before the world ends. But I salute Mr. Powell for his courageous undercover reporting, exposing this conspiracy in the little time we have left.