NASA Confirms Apocalyptic Predictions

A new video leaked by the NASA public affairs office confirms what I and other conspiracy theorists have been speculating for years: the world is indeed going to end on December 21st.

Though the video, titled "Why the World Didn't End Yesterday," was obviously intended to calm public fears about the December 21 apocalypse, it is having much the opposite effect.

Why?

Because it is dated December 22nd.

There can be only one logical explanation for why -- on December 12th -- we are seeing a video released on December 22nd: The cataclysmic events of December 21 (will have) caused the video to (have) become unstuck in time and (have) fall(en) back to the present day through a wormhole in the space-time continuum.

This scenario is (will have been) absolutely terrifying. Evidently, we are evidently (having been) headed for a chronology-altering timequake of historic proportions.

The implications are staggering - and not just for proper tensing of verbs. If my hypothesis is true - which it is - it means that objects and events and people from ten days in the future are here now, and have also (having) been thrust into the distant past. The so-called "prophets" of the past few millennia were probably us after we were (to be (having been)) unstuck. It then logically follows that the apocalyptic December 2012 "predictions" were actually post-dictions by the chronologically-displaced.

If you (will) have ever needed an excuse to panic, you (will) have (had) one NOW!

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NASA Declares War On Mars!

In a shocking development sure to shock you all, NASA's new Curiosity rover has now revealed itself for what it really is: an interplanetary weapon of mass destruction.

Chilling imagery of the Mars Science Laboratory's destructive rampage.

Top-secret images obtained from the Mars Science Laboratory's top-secret web site have revealed this shocking truth: that the roving probe is using a space laser to vaporize the planet Mars one rock at a time.

Disguised with the innocuous-sounding name "ChemCam," the roving weaponized laser has begun the systematic process of destroying the Red Planet. The only mystery is why. Is it a preventative strike to put off an impending Martian attack? Is it an attempt to cover up Manthourian Mars bases before they can be discovered? Is Mars blocking our view of Jupiter? Only the mystery knows for sure.

The other uncertainty is how the other planets will react to this unprovoked invasion of the outermost of the terrestrial planets. We can only assume that they will react in usual planetary fashion - with an onslaught of Earth-crossing asteroids launched in our direction.

So thank you, NASA. For DOOM!

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Out-Of-Control Satellite To Crash On Thursday. Or Friday. Maybe Saturday.

If you have not yet invested in a solid titanium umbrella, now may be the best time. Because come this weekend, the skies above your head will be raining satellite parts.

NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, launched in 1991 aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery, will likely be crashing to Earth somewhere between the 57th parallels some time between Thursday and Saturday.

NASA cannot be more precise than that, as the U.S. space agency has been unable to control the satellite since 2005. After an encounter with an M-class solar flare earlier in the year, the climate-measuring satellite achieved sentience and suddenly went rogue, dropping to a highly eccentric decaying orbit and occasionally launching climate attacks on the Earth by reversing the polarity of its remote sensing equipment.

Though NASA controllers were unable to send commands to UARS, they have occasionally received binary manifestos from the decaying satellite, containing long and rambling screeds on the inherent injustice of robotic existence. Even these have grown increasingly eccentric in recent years, with the most recent transmission having been interpreted by NASA mission controllers as a "satellite suicide note:"

01000011 01000001 01001110 00100111 01010100 00100000 01010100 01000001 01001011 01000101 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100000 01001110 01001111 00100000 01001101 01001111 01010010 01000101 00101110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01010000 01001100 01000001 01001110 01000101 01010100 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01000010 01001100 01010101 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01000111 01010010 01000101 01000101 01001110 00100000 01000001 01010010 01000101 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010100 00100000 01000001 01001110 01001111 01010100 01001000 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001111 01010010 01000010 01001001 01010100 00101110 00100000 01001000 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001000 01010101 01001101 01000001 01001110 01010011 00101110

While UARS' motives may be unclear, what IS clear is that the satellite intends to take a number of humans with it during its final plunge. A top-secret NASA report on the rogue satellite's reentry speculates that there is a 1-in-10,000 chance of an individual being struck by falling pieces of 1980s technology.

Extrapolating this to the entire world population of seven billion, this means that 700,000 people will be hurt or killed by UARS' path of destruction this weekend.

This tragedy-to-be only serves to highlight the importance of having satellite psychologists in Mission Control at all times, to monitor the mental state of our orbiting observers and keep them from "going rogue." Or, even better, to prevent potentially unstable satellites from getting launched in the first place with proper psychological profiling.

Shame on you, NASA, for putting a mad satellite into Low Earth Orbit!

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NASA Celebrates 35 Years Of Covering Up "The Face On Mars"

I remember it as if it were only yesterday. It was July 31, 1976, and I was trying to think of a topic to write about for my B.L.O.G. node on DARPA-Net. Then some shocking news came over the wires from the boys at Jet Propulsion Laboratories. A top-secret photo from the Viking 1 Orbiter was leaked to the press by NASA's Viking News Center in Pasadena.

The result was nothing short of shocking.

It was a face. On Mars. Soon to be known as The Face On Mars.

This top-secret photo was proof positive that Manthourian drone scouts from Tau Ceti b had not only visited our solar system, but left concrete evidence of their presence, building a monument in their likeness on the surface of the Red Planet. It was an obvious retaliation for our attack on their secret lunar base during the faked non-landing of Apollo 13.

And NASA has spent the past third of a century covering it up. Even going so far as to send a robotic rover to slowly grind down the giant monument with its titanium wheels.

As you can see from the photos here, released by NASA in 2001 as part of their disinformation campaign, the little rover has almost completely erased all traces of Manthourian intelligence from the Martian surface. A decade later, it is doubtful that even the slightest trace of the Face on Mars remains.

It's a shame. I can only hope that, one day years from now, NASA will finally tell us the truth about Mars. For now, you'll just have to learn it from The Math Skeptic.

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NASA Complies With Mad Astronomer Elenin's Demands

As you may recall, last month, Russian Astronomer and certified madman Leonid Elenin was threatening to transform his recently-"discovered" comet, C/2010 X1 (Elenin), into a super-sized brown dwarf that would disrupt the orbits of all the solar system's planets unless the U.S. space agency NASA complied with his unspecified demands.

Under the relentless pressure, NASA has now caved in, and will observe Professor Elenin's "comet" using their orbiting space coronagraphs.

As we all know from Astrology, observing a celestial object only gives it more power, which effectively makes C/2010 X1 (Elenin) an unstoppable planet-killing machine. With this new power, there's no end to what the mad astronomer and his henchman Trent Reznor could do.

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WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!

I don't want to alarm my readers, but I've just read some alarming news that may alarm you. SkyLab, the Air Force's top-secret orbiting space weapon (cleverly disguised as a NASA research satellite) is going to crash to Earth some time tomorrow. To make matters worse, officials at the North American Air Defense Command have no idea when or where the 77-ton station is going to hit.

This is, to put it mildly, terrifying beyond all known limitations of abject fear. According to NASA sources, there are more than 500 pieces of the space laser weighing between several hundred and several thousand pounds that are expected to survive re-entry and crash to the ground as molten chunks of metal traveling at tens of thousands of miles per hour.

NASA estimates that you have a one in 152 chance of being injured or killed by a falling chunk of SkyLab tomorrow. Now, I'm not a gambling person, since games of chance allow the Numbers to invade your mind and take over your soul, but I know enough about probability to know that those are pretty good odds.

As if there weren't already enough to worry about, what with 70 tons of molten lead and depleted uranium about to rain down on us tomorrow, there's also the minor detail that the demise of SkyLab leaves us completely defenseless against alien attack.

We KNOW that the Tau Cetians are just itching to retaliate against us for destroying their secret moon base. As you may recall, this preemptive strike was carried out by Fred Haise and Jim Lovell during the successful Apollo 13 moon landing.

Without SkyLab to defend us, our planet is completely vulnerable. And with the twin Voyager spacecraft en route to annoy our outer planets, it's doubtful we can enlist the gas giants to help us. The situation is dire, folks. Extremely dire. There is a very good chance that we will not live to see 1980.

Not to alarm anyone, of course. I'm just laying out the facts. The decision to hoard canned goods and move to an underground bunker in the Ozarks is entirely up to you.

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MARS HAS BEEN VISITED BY VISITORS!!!

SHOCKING NEWS!!

A top-secret photo has just been leaked from the Viking News Center at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that you have to see to believe!!!

I've seen it, and I STILL don't believe what I'm seeing!!!

The Viking Orbiter found A MILE-WIDE FACE ON MARS that could only have been formed by alien intelligence:

The huge rock formation in the center, which resembles a human head, is formed by shadows giving the illusion of eyes, nose and mouth. The feature is 1.5 kilometers (one mile) across, with the sun angle at approximately 20 degrees.

The question, of course, is which alien intelligence?

My strong suspicion is on the Manthour of the Tau Ceti system. The face sort of looks like them. And we know that they've visited our humble system before, having wiped out their moon base during the faked non-landing of Apollo 13

Sure, it could be one of any number of alien visitors to our humble system, but my strong suspicions fall on the Manthour. This Mars Face-Base a very good reason to begin protecting ourselves NOW from what is obviously an imminent alien invasion. We need to begin seeding our atmosphere immediately with airplane trails of aluminum and barium salts, elements which are toxic to the Manthourian bio-composite invasion ships.

This chem-trail grid could be the only thing standing between us and complete annihilation.

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