Showing posts with label BEES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BEES. Show all posts

Friday, July 19, 2013

Maybe Bees Aren't So Bad After All

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As my regular readers are probably already aware, I make no secret of my anti-bee stance. These kamikaze insect assailants have been plaguing humanity for thousands of years, bribing us with their so-called "honey" to make us forget their evil doings.  

However, a recent news i have come across on the news has prompted me to re-evaluate this stance just slight-ly. 

As it turns out, bees are not number sympathizers as I and science had previously thought.  The perfectly-proportioned hexagons of the bees' honeycombal habitat were, we reasoned, too perfectly-proportioned to happen by chance. 

Thus, we had thought, the bees must be doing complicated geo-metry in order to do their mathical honey-combing.

Researchers at Cardiff University in the U.K. Have discovered that this is indeed not the indeed case. The bees are not doing math at all - merely making bee-sized circles of bees-wax that later form into hexagons when melted by the bee-body heat. No math necessary.

This new development in apiology has prompted me to re-evaluate my anti-bee stance just slightly. Knowing that the bees are not aligned with the numbers in the War Against All Humans is an encouraging sign that, perhaps, they could be turned from enemies to allies.

After all, as Sun-Tzu said, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." 

And with approximately 78% of the human population wiped out in last year's apocalypse, we need all the friends we can get. Even bees.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

THE POLLINATOR UPRISING HAS BEE-GUN!!!!!!

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In a horrifying display of insect ingenuity, a colony of 14 million bees has hijacked the truck that was transporting their hives across the country and literally ran it off the road. The truck then exploded when the fuel tank ruptured, mixing with the honey and producing a viscous flaming napalm-like substance that has set much of rural Idaho ablaze.

National Public Radio relayed the terrifying details in a story filed this afternoon:
The load of bees and honey was headed from California to Minot, North Dakota. And according to local TV station KIFI (Local News 8), "It is not unusual for- OH, GOD! BEES! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! AAAAAAAAGH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!"
The lame-stream media was quick to dismiss this crash as "driver error," but it is quite obvious to even the most amateur conspiracist that the bees have turned against us. While the bleeding-heart liberal apidae-sympathizing scare-mongers have been monging scary lies about "colony collapse" and "endangered pollinators," the hive-queens have been collaborating and plotting against us, using their collective hive-minds to find our vulnerabilities and cause maximum devastation and societal disruption!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Saturday, April 11, 1970

THE BRITISH INVASION HAS BEEN DEFEATED!

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In a world largely devoid of good news and utterly replete with terrible news, it is heartlifting to hear some good news now and again. And to-day is certainly one of those "agains." The news I bring you is something I have been waiting patiently to hear for more than a decade now.

Paul McCartney is leaving the Beatles. The so-called "Fabulous Foursome" from Liverpool are breaking up.

This means, of course, that the United States has officially won the British Invasion.

Following our victories in the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, this constitutes our third consecutive victory against the British Empire, or - to use a phrase I have just cleverly coined and am now using for the first time in recorded history - our three-peat.

Now, I'm a little fuzzy on the terms of international war law and what have you, but I believe this victory over The Beatles means that we can now legally compel the Great British to stop their wasteful overuse of the letter "u" and their dangerous wrong-side-of-the-road driving. We shall leave such details to our fine diplomatic corps.

I shall take this time to celebrate our victorious victory. For AMERICA!