Friday, September 12, 1980

Epidemiologists Commit Mass Avicide!

Sometimes, science just goes too far.

Well, it does that all the time. But there are a handful of times when it really goes really too far. And in the worst of the worst cases, it is the innocent who suffer. It is of the aforehavingmentioned variety that is the case of which I now speak.

For in the name of the thoroughly theoretical theories of natural selection and germ theory that the scientists and epidemiologists and biologicians are committing mass avicide down in Florida.

In what some commentators are deeming an "orgy of Darwinian violence," more than 8,500 exotic birds, ranging from tiny innocent finches to hyperintelligent parrots have been mass extincted by a group of avicidal epidemiologists from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

These pocket-protectored serial cullers claim that this drastic action is warranted due to a so-called outbreak of so-called Newcastle disease that threatened to spread to so-called poultry farms in the so-called Sunshine State. In other words, they mass-murdered the birds so a "disease" wouldn't kill other birds that were going to be killed anyway.

I find all of this highly dubious. Particularly that these jackbooted ornithuglogists were acting on the unproven and highly dubious germ theory of disease, when we know that diseases are really spread by evil spirits and bad humours. This outrageous action is an outrage, and I for one am outraged at the USDA for their outrageous action.

Leave the birds alone, Evil President Carter!