New Study: Teaching Math In School Is Pointless

The Post-Apocalyptic United States Department of Education (PAUSDOE) has released the latest report card on the educational achievement levels of U.S. students. The results are simply shocking.

That is, it's shocking if you are not a person well-versed in mathematical skepticism and aware of the inherent fallibility of numbers.

The National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) reports that while U.S. fourth graders have made gains in math since the 1970s, these math "skills" are essentially lost by the time students graduate high school. While half of 9-year-olds are able to do basic arithmetic at grade level, fewer than one in ten high-school seniors can do higher-level math such as algebra and geometry and whatever the kids are learning these days.

The unescapable conclusion we must inevitably reach from these results is that it is simply pointless to teach children math - a conclusion that fortunately dovetails quite nicely with my anti-math worldview.
Besides the well-known fact that arithmetical education is nothing more than an injection of numerist propaganda into the brain-minds of innocent children, this new report card demonstrates that it is a pointless under-taking anyway.

All of which is beside the fact that it is pointless to teach math at all in this brave new post-apocalyptic nightmare world. Children should be learning important post-civilization life skills such as how to distill squirrel urine into alcoholic beverages/wound disinfectants. Continuing to teach our surviving children pointless subjects like art and literature and science and math is simply an antiquated notion from the world as it was six months ago, not the world of today.

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"I'm Not Good At Math:" IRS Official Confirms Numerist Conspiracy

Even after the downfall of the United States in conjunction with the total global world apocalypse, the surviving members of the U.S. government continue to embroil themselves in SCANDAL.

The latest scandal comes courtesy of my old enemies at the Internal Revenue Service, after a top official admitted that the IRS has been unfairly scrutinizing Tea Party political organizations as political organizations rather than legitimate charities in their applications for tax-exempt status. This outrage is, of course, an outrageous outrage emblematic of an irrepressive government regime gone out of control.

But! The real scandal was revealed by IRS official Lois G. Lerner during a press conference today when she responded to a question about the number of Teabag Party groups targeted by saying -- and I quote -- "I'm not good at math!" The statement prompted the predictable snickering and snootering from the usual media comedians, of course. But I, as a Math Skeptic, see through her words to the meaning beneath the surface.

What she really means is that Math is not good at HER.

The numbers - who obviously singled Lerner out for apocalypse survival due to her usefulness in promoting their dastardly schemes - are in control at the IRS, and using their position of power to oppress FREEDOM.

This should come as no surprise that the numbers are in control of the IRS - and likely the entire U.S. Treasury. After all, millions of Americans have been mailing the IRS millions of numbers every year when they file their tax returns. One organization cannot amass those sheer numbers of numbers without the numbers conspiring to wrest control from their human caretakers, and this is obviously what has happened here.

Now, as President of the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World, I thankfully am no longer required to file a tax return, thanks to the Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World Constitution I hastily wrote up after the end of the world. But I urge any survivors who still claim allegiance to the Post-Apocalyptic United States to oppose the numerist takeover of the IRS and refrain from sending them any further reinforcements while the numbers are in charge.

We shall FREEDOM!

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The Numbers and/or Ancient Chinese Have Invaded New York!

Shocking news out of Long Island today, folks. Shocking!

Innocent children all over the sleepy Long Island village of New Hyde Park are being indoctrinated with numbers and/or invaded by Chinese invaders. According to a deep-undercover investigative report in today's edition of The Island Now, children as young as kindergarten age are being taught to use an abacus to learn calculations.

An abacus! From Ancient China! Imagine! Next these innocent young youngsters will be building terra cotta armies and giant stone walls to protect themselves from Mongol hordes!

It's not bad enough we have to indoctrinate these poor New Hyde Parkial children by forcing them to learn math in the first place. But these educationalist bead-counters are making them do it on ancient Chinese technology. Disguising themselves with the innocent-sounding name "ALOHA Mind Math," a band of global mindwashers are spreading the gospel of Abacusism on our very own shores! If you are not outraged, you should be. At the very least, you need your outrage sensors adjusted. For this is indeed an outrage.

Absolutely True Little-Known Facts
About New Hyde Park, NY

• Surrounded by a 7-foot silver-plated wrought iron fence installed in 1871 to defend against werewolf attacks.
  
• Village Motto: Marginally Better Than New Rochelle
  
• Offered to Canada in 1907 as a land trade for Placentia, Newfoundland. Canada declined.
  
• Formerly known as The Other New Rochelle.
  
• Population of 190 Pacific Islanders, according to the most recent census. Number 200 will receive a 7-11 gift card.
  
• All forms of pole vaulting are illegal by village ordinance

Now I know what you're saying. "The Math Skeptic," you're saying, "aren't you just making a slippery slope argument?"

To which I say "of course!" For without slippery slope arguments, my blog would be a bunch of random prepositions on an orange background.

Neverthenoneless, my point to all this is that it is imbundingly clear that the numbers and the Ancient Han Dynasty are in cohoots, and sending their time-travelling invaders to destroy us with suànpáns of doom. It all makes sense, of course - who do you think taught them gunpowder and calculus?

So for the sake of humanity, we must resist this encroaching abacusification of our youth before this beaded menace destroys all that is left of our humanity.

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