Wednesday, October 28, 1992

Happy Rapture Day Again!

I do hope each and every one of you is wearing his and/or her Wednesday Best today, for today is a special day!

Today is the day in which you will be raptured! According to prophet and spiritual leader Bang ik-Ha of Spokane, Washington and/or Korea, today is the day of the Rapture when all good God-believing people will be whisked into the Heaven like swooping cranes. Since I know for a fact that all of my readers are good God-believers, I can safely assume that this will include each and every one of you.

However - now is not the time to contract "senioritis" - or, more apt-ly, "rapture-itis." There are some important safety tips you must keep in mind as the rapturing-hour (12:00) approaches. Even though you will no longer have a need for your corporeal body as of noon o'clock, there are other non-saved heathens who may be depending on your body to be doing a thing at the time it is raptured, in which case its sudden transfiguration will be dangerous or even inconvenient. To prevent post-raptural misfortune, I hereby present the following Rapture Safety Tips:

Important Safety Tips For The Soon-To-Be-Raptured
  • If you regularly drive a car, do not be driving a car at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly drive a bus, do not be driving a bus at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly drive a train, do not be driving a train at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly pilot an airplane and/or helicopter, do not be piloting an airplane and/or helicopter at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly operate heavy machinery, do not be operating heavy machinery at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly smoke cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia, do not be smoking cigarettes and/or other smoking paraphernalia at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you regularly work with radioactive materials, do not be working with radioactive materials at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
  • If you do not regularly drive, pilot, operate, or radioact any of the above, please do not be doing any of the above at 12:00 noon, the time of the Rapture.
Now I know what you're thinking. "I'm going to Heaven -- why should I care what happens to the un-saved heathens once I'm gone?"

However, this is known as a Cosmic Trick Question. By putting others at risk of harm from your sudden lack of corporeal existence, you may be negating the very selflessness that got you on the Rapture list in the first place. My suggestion - stay home, don't smoke, and wait it out.

If you really want to be creative, you could try going to the roof of a moderately-tall building and jumping off a few seconds prior to noon. The sudden mid-air disappearance of your corporeal body might just prompt a few additional conversions among the crowd below as your bodyless articles of clothing flutter to the ground. Warning: Do not attempt unless you are really Christian or it will not work.

Well, that should cover the basic Rapture Day safety tips. I look forward to seeing you on the other side, readers!

Friday, October 02, 1992

Will The Real Human Candidates Please Stand Up?

We have reached the point in the campaign season when I make my impassioned plea on my gopher site to see the birth certifications of the candidates. Been doing it for almost a decade now with no success, but I hope this time my plea will be heeded.

Gentlemen, we live in dangerous times. Aliens from multiple worlds are anxiously awaiting the first opportunity to invade and enslave our planet, possibly by installing a pod-clone or android in the White House.

Not to alarm you all, but I have strong reason to suspect that one of you is such an android and/or pod clone. In the interest of fairness, I won't say which.

Oh, never mind fairness. It's Perot, ok? I'm pretty sure he's an android. Just look at the guy!

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'll be proven wrong. Prove me wrong, candidates - show me your birth certificates.