Wednesday, October 15, 1997

NASA Putting Us All In Danger!

Once again, those braniac poindexters at NASA are playing fast-and-loose with the solar system, sending yet another probe to annoy one of our planetary neighbors.

The Cassini-Huygens probe, named for two 17th-Century casualties of the Astronomy-Astrology War, is scheduled to launch today en route to Saturn, the ringy majestic gas giant in our outer solar system.

However, instead of just flying by like probes of old, Cassini is going to stick around the ringed planet, circling her and her moons for years in the name of "scientific science."

How thoroughly irresponsible! This is going to do nothing but irritate and antagonize our Saturnian neighbor, potentially turning all of the gas giants against us. It's bad enough we're bugging Jupiter with the Galileo probe, but this is just too much.

And, of course, the typical science-indoctrinated liberals are protesting this probe for all the wrong reasons. You think a little atmospheric plutonium is bad? Wait till Saturn gives us a dose of asteroids and minor moons!

You're playing with fire, NASA. Take heed!

Sunday, March 23, 1997

Astronomer: Arriving Comet Likely Harboring Alien Invaders!!!

Shocking revelations cherry-picked from an essay by astronomer Alan "Skipper" Hale, co-discoverer of the soon-to-be-perihelioning Comet C/1995 O1 (Hale-Bopp), reveal that the comet may indeed be either a concrete sign of the prophesied end-times and/or a disguise for a fleet of invading alien space frigates!

In an essay in this month's Skeptical Inquirer, Dr. Hale readily admits that, "...Hale-Bopp is some kind of alien 'mother ship' or, at the very least, is 'under intelligent control.'" In a related essay, he adds that "there are few people in the world who are better prepared than I am to meet with an alien race," evidence that the astronomer and wayward ship captain is already in contact with the invaders.

In another chilling passage, he surmises that, "...Hale-Bopp could be one of the 'signs of the end times' as foretold in several New Testament prophecies."

In typical NASA coverup fashion, Dr. Hale later uses the tried-and-true alarmism-denialist tactic of "logical explanation" to dismiss his earlier claims, citing "scientific illiteracy" as the reason amateur comet-watchers with no astronomy experience are clearly seeing alien spacecraft in the comet's wake:

This whole phenomenon of "Hale-Bopp madness" strikes me as a glaring example of the scientific illiteracy that pervades our society and that has been addressed many times in the pages of this magazine and so eloquently by Carl Sagan in The Demon-Haunted World. The numerous scientific and technological challenges that our society will be faced with during the years and decades ahead are too important and too complex to be adequately met and dealt with by a population that cannot distinguish between legitimate science and the pseudoscience that is so prevalent now.
Okay, there, Skipper. "learn science." That's a nice idea. But how is learning science going to protect our planet from imminent alien invasion?

I fear it may be too late, with perihelion approaching in a few days. My suggestion to my readers: pack your bags, gather some canned goods, put your sneakers on, and head for the hills until the invasion is over. Hopefully the aliens will not notice us while they're conscripting humans to work in their deuterium mines and seedy alien nightclubs.