The Revolution In Massachusetts Continues!

Last week, I reported on the student uprising against the annual Answerist cruelty known as the Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System (MCAS), in which thousands of brave students exercised their Constitutionally-protected right of free expression in their MCAS exam answers. This revolt for academic freedom resulted in some 91% of school districts in the Bay Commonwealth "missing" their "performance targets" in capitulating to the Federal No "Child" Left "Behind" law.

In a shocking new twist to this story, it appears that the uprising has infiltrated the exammers themselves. Some plucky boy detective work by plucky high-school boy detective Michael Safran, 16, revealed an error in the MCAS grading system. An investigation quickly revealed the source of the "error" to be the state's exam provider, the New Hampshire-based firm Measured Progress. The "error" was explained thusly:

Patricia Ross, spokeswoman for Measured Progress, said the error occurred in the process of setting up the computer system to produce this year's MCAS results. In creating the system for this year's data, an old scaled-score conversion chart was stuck in as a placeholder until this year's chart was received. But because of a human error, the old chart was never swapped out with the new chart, Ross said.

As usual, "human" "error" is to blame. But we Math Skeptics know what really happened. One of our brave compatriots in the Math Skeptic community has obviously infiltrated the upper echelons of one of the country's top Answerist Indoctrination facilities and introduced a small but significant error that thus casts in doubt the validity of all standardized testing and, by extension, all education-related testing of any sort.

Whoever you are, I salute you!

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The Numbers and/or Ancient Chinese Have Invaded New York!

Shocking news out of Long Island today, folks. Shocking!

Innocent children all over the sleepy Long Island village of New Hyde Park are being indoctrinated with numbers and/or invaded by Chinese invaders. According to a deep-undercover investigative report in today's edition of The Island Now, children as young as kindergarten age are being taught to use an abacus to learn calculations.

An abacus! From Ancient China! Imagine! Next these innocent young youngsters will be building terra cotta armies and giant stone walls to protect themselves from Mongol hordes!

It's not bad enough we have to indoctrinate these poor New Hyde Parkial children by forcing them to learn math in the first place. But these educationalist bead-counters are making them do it on ancient Chinese technology. Disguising themselves with the innocent-sounding name "ALOHA Mind Math," a band of global mindwashers are spreading the gospel of Abacusism on our very own shores! If you are not outraged, you should be. At the very least, you need your outrage sensors adjusted. For this is indeed an outrage.

Absolutely True Little-Known Facts
About New Hyde Park, NY

• Surrounded by a 7-foot silver-plated wrought iron fence installed in 1871 to defend against werewolf attacks.
  
• Village Motto: Marginally Better Than New Rochelle
  
• Offered to Canada in 1907 as a land trade for Placentia, Newfoundland. Canada declined.
  
• Formerly known as The Other New Rochelle.
  
• Population of 190 Pacific Islanders, according to the most recent census. Number 200 will receive a 7-11 gift card.
  
• All forms of pole vaulting are illegal by village ordinance

Now I know what you're saying. "The Math Skeptic," you're saying, "aren't you just making a slippery slope argument?"

To which I say "of course!" For without slippery slope arguments, my blog would be a bunch of random prepositions on an orange background.

Neverthenoneless, my point to all this is that it is imbundingly clear that the numbers and the Ancient Han Dynasty are in cohoots, and sending their time-travelling invaders to destroy us with suànpáns of doom. It all makes sense, of course - who do you think taught them gunpowder and calculus?

So for the sake of humanity, we must resist this encroaching abacusification of our youth before this beaded menace destroys all that is left of our humanity.

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