Wednesday, September 11, 1985

Congratulations, Pete Rose!

In the war of Humans vs. Numbers, we humans are hopelessly disadvantaged. We're outnumbered, for one thing - there are infinite numbers, but only five billion of us.

Every now and then, however, we human people come out on top. Today is one of those days. Because today, Cincinnati Reds hitmaster Pete Rose broke the Ty Cobb number curse with his 4,192nd career hit!

As we in the Math Skeptic community are well aware, numbers have been trying to tarnish Ty Cobb's career hit record for decades now, attempting to rob the famed ballplayer and salad inventor of two legitimately hitted hits through quantum uncertainty.

Well, there's no uncertainty anymore. You can bet on Pete Rose, the new all-time career hit leader. There's no gambling with uncertain numbers here - this record for this future Hall-of-Famer is set in stone!

And hey - look at the date! 9/11 again - I told you there was something special about those numbers!

Saturday, July 06, 1985

Pittsbughians Rebel Against the Forces of Math

In some happy news out of the City of Brotherly Love, Pittsburgh education officials have reported that students taking the so-called California Achievement Test are increasingly fighting back against the tyrannical forces of arithmetofascism. Pittsburgh students' math test scores have dropped by three percent this year, according to the city's superintendent of schools.

This is certainly good news. It means that the poor, embattered students of the Cheesesteak Capitol are no longer content to regurgitate one-right-answer mathematicalism and are asserting their academic freedom on the standardized testing regime. This year, the students of Quaker City are three percent more freedom.

Though this is indeed a cause for celebration, it is not quite a reason to celebrate. Though Pittsburghian students are increasingly free, they are still showing dangerously high test scores, with 71 percent of students above the national average.

I call upon the brave students of Pittsburgh to remain strong in their fight for freedom, and assert their mathematical rights even more on next year's C.A.T. examinations.

It is no coincidence that the fight against numerical tyranny begins here in the Cradle of Liberty: Pittsburgh. The same city that saw our country's struggle against tyranny begin with the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776 now sees the beginning of our struggle for academic freedom.

We the people are united - against the tyranny of arithmetic!

Thursday, April 25, 1985

The Coca-Cola People Are Trying to Kill and/or Enslave Us!

I just got back from a trip to my corner delica-tessen and found that my beloved Coca-Cola soft drink has been replaced by a horrible monster.

For some infathomable reason unknown to all and sundry, The Coca-Cola Company has decided to change the beloved formula of their beloved soft drink for the first time since 1888. 1888!

The markety-advertising types who market-analyze these sort of things will probably tell you that this is the product of taste-tests and focus-groups and sur-veys and what-not. But I'm not buying it! I believe something more sinisterer is going on here.

This so-called "New Coke" must be a front for some dastardly plan. It's the only logical explanation. Who knows what sort of mind-control juice and/or toxic poison could be lurking in this new "formula?"

My theory - the Coca-Cola Company has been infiltrated by communists and/or computers and they are using this new formula to push their agenda of socialized medicine and/or killing us all. This change in formula is, I am absolutely convinced, the first step in a larger plan to destroy America and/or humanity.

Sure, some doubters will doubt me. I don't blame them. But mark you my words, proof will come. I predict herein that The Coca-Cola Company will employ some sort of Communist and/or computer-generated "spokesperson" to push this product in the near future.

This I Have Pre-dicted!