Saturday, December 24, 2011

Atheists, Pirates Declare War On Christmas

Although the liberals and other members of the rationalista might have you think otherwise, the centuries-old War On Christmas is a very real war on the most sacred of American holidays, Christmas. This very real war has some very real casualties.

The latest casualty in the War on Christmas is none other than Santa Claus himself. And to a lesser extent that Baby Jesus guy. A nativity scene in the quaint suburban suburbia of Leesburg, Virginia has been brutally attacked by pirates from the so-called "Church" of the "Flying Spaghetti Monster.". The nativity scene in question was vandalized to include marauding pirates and placing a so-called "spaghetti monster" in the manger cradle in place of the baby Santa Claus.


Another nativity scene, placed there by Atheists, doesn't feature any nativity at all, merely celebrating the secular Jesus Substitutes of Freedom and The Constitution.


The Atheists have taken full responsibility for the nativital vandalism, according to a selectively-edited quote from a news article on the incident:
"We’ve been ... trying to destroy Christmas, and that ... be ... the truth [, arrr, matey],” Rick Wingrove, the Virginia state director for American Atheists, told “There’s ... war on Christmas. If there were ... Christmas, I would have gotten a memo [from the Atheist Pirate King demanding my resignation for failing to prevent it. Arrr]."
This news has The Math Skeptic decidedly outraged. When will these Atheists and pasta-worshippers realize that the so-called "Freedom of Religion" guaranteed in the First Amendment applies to Christians only? Followers of incorrect faiths need to keep their big Jewish/Atheist/Muslim/Hundu/Zoroastrian/Jainist/Buddhist/Animist/Secular mouths shut from Thanksgiving through the New Year. The pagan traditions we stole to create Christmas are sacred, and other religions asserting their right to exist is nothing other than a brutal attack on Christmas.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Another Proverbial Nail in the Proverbial Coffin of Climate Change

This morning, at exactly 12:30 am Eastern Standard Time, the worldwide "Climate Change" hoax came to a crashing halt.

Why? Because winter came. Again.

Despite the naysayers and alarmists and Al Gores of the world predicting the end of winter due to Global Warming, the winter solstice has yet again arrived on schedule.

The only possible conclusion we can draw from this is the obvious conclusion - so-called "climate change" is merely a hoax concocted by modern-day luddites to send us all back to the pre-technological era and turn the world into a steampunk utopia.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

New Hampshire Legislators Fight For Freedom

It's rare I see some good news from the National Center for Science Indoctrination. Usually it's a bunch of pro-evolutionist back-patting over their latest evolutionism victory. But today, the NCSE news is great indeed.

A courageous trio of New Hampshire state legislators in the New Hampshire state legislature have introduced legislation aiming to inject a bit of FREEDOM into the New Hampshire state school system.

House Bill 1457, introduced by District 7 Republican heroes Gary Hopper and John Burt, would help students learn the scientific method by introducing some much-needed reasonable doubt in the scientific method. The bill would:
[Require] science teachers to instruct pupils that proper scientific inquire [sic] results from not committing to any one theory or hypothesis, no matter how firmly it appears to be established, and that scientific and technological innovations based on new evidence can challenge accepted scientific theories or modes."

The second bill is even better. Introduced by District 17 legislator Jerry Bergevin, House Bill 1148 would introduce even more reasonable doubt into so-called "established" so-called "facts":
[Require] evolution to be taught in the public schools of this state as a theory, including the theorists' political and ideological viewpoints and their position on the concept of atheism."
Both bills represent a courageous and forthworthy stand against the culture of factism that has pervaded the American school system. By reinforcing the notion that facts are fluid and giving students the ability to selectively tune out of topics that conflict with their deeply-held beliefs, these bills will give New Hampshire students true academic freedom in their science classes.

The only problem with these bills is that they don't go far enough, only limiting themselves to science classes. What about other, equally controversial topics that are equally forced upon innocent students?

Students should also be taught that historical events, mathematical formulas, and grammatical rules are unproven theories that are prone to change at any time. What if some new discovery overturns the Pythagorean Theorem or negates the rule against ending a sentence with a preposition? And students should have the freedom to opt out of any subject based on the religious beliefs of its proponents, be it the Muslim inventors of algebra or the Hellenists who invented Greek mythology.

Students will only be free when they have the freedom to learn nothing.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

It Appears That We Have Apparently Not Learned Our Lesson

Human hubris, so it is said, knows no bounds. Barely three weeks after our planet was treated to a cosmic "warning shot" courtesy of asteroid 2005 YU55, we are continuing in our quest to antagonize our solar systemal neighbors.

The Mars Science Laboratory, nicknamed "Curiosity" by NASA managers, launched this morning on its journey to the red planet. The boring, lifeless red rocks found by the Viking landers and the Pathfinder rover and the Spirit and Opportunity rovers were not sufficient to satisfy astronomers' Barsoomian curiosity about the boring lifeless planet, so we just had to send one more probe just to be sure.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Math and Black Friday: A Recipe for Corruption

Just when you thought it was safe to start the holiday season.

It's not bad enough that our sacred Christian traditions of consumerism and overconsumption are under attack every year from the atheist/other-religionist cabal in their annual War On Christmas. It now appears that the sacred Christian tradition of shopping on Black Friday is under attack by an even more insidious enemy: numbers.

The global arithmetic conspiracy is now trying to weasel their way in to the festivities by insisting that shoppers use math to inform their Black Friday purchases. They even recommend several "smart-phone" "applications" to help with the comparisoning.

This is an outrage! It isn't bad enough that retailers are engaging in the anti-capitalist practice of sales and discounts on Black Friday - the most insidious form of socialism known to man. Now the numberico-technological conspiracy is conscripting consumers as the foot-soldiers in the war on capitalism/Christmas by encouraging them to comparison-shop.

With the numbers invading our shopping traditions like this, it should come as no surprise that young women are attacking Xbox shoppers with pepper spray and that old men are stealing video game cartridges. The numbers are driving us to madness!

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Jupiter Fires a Warning Shot At Us

As you may have heard from the various media reports today, our planet was buzzed by a city-block sized asteroid today. The Earth-threatening asteroid 2005 YU55 passed a mere 201,000 miles from our planet, traveling at a mind-boggling 29,000 miles per hour. Were a rock this size to impact our planet, it would undoubtedly unleash a wave of destruction of Michael Bay special effect proportions.

While the global astronomical elites are happily patting themselves on their collective backs for "discovering" this asteroid far in advance of its close encounter with our planetary home, they are missing the big picture of the story.

It is obviously obvious that this asteroidal close call was nothing less than a warning shot by one of our solar system's gas giants. No doubt in retaliation for the various space-probes and robotical explorers we continue to use to annoy and antagonize them. The fact that 2005 YU55 did not strike us is no doubt due to skillful negotiation by the astrologers.

Thank you, astrologers, for once again saving us from hubris!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

We Must Not Allow A Shuttlecock Gap!

During my recent vacation from the blogosphere, I came very close to forgetting the problems of the world - economic collapse, astrological terrorism, the coming global superpocalypse of 2012, and the rise of the soon-to-be-former former Soviet Union. Then this terrifying video came to my attention, and I had to return from my vacation a few days early.

Prepare to be shocked, because this video is shocking!

As any fool can plainly see, Soviet President Dmitri Medvedev is extolling the virtues of badminton whilst engaging in a heated match against his arch frenemy, Soviet Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. While some international commentationists have dismissed this video cockery as part of the so-called bromance between sometime rivals Medvedev and Putin, but I see something rather sinister in this bit of KGB cock-play.

It is abundingly clear that Medvedev's display of shuttlecockery is nothing less than a set of marching orders to deep-underground spies and saboteurs across Russia and around the world, signaling the time when the Soviet Union will rise again and conquer the world - through badminton. And we in the United States, I fear, may not be up to the challenge.

This is of course, not to impugn the valiant efforts of our cockfighters on the front lines, brave men and women such as Howard Bach and Tony Gunawan and Eva Lee and Halim Haryanto Ho and Cee Ketpura. They will, I am sure, fight the oncoming Red Badminton Menace with the grace and skill we have come to expect from Team USA. But if my sources are correct and the Soviets are raising an entire army of Badmintonistas, I fear that our brave young men and women will be totally outnumbered.

That is, unless we close the Shuttlecock Gap. It is thus the patriotic duty of every American to set up a badminton net and get yourself some rackets and shuttlecocks and begin immediately training in the so-called "sport of cocks." If you don't improve your strokes, shots, and smash serves, you are a threat to national security.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Indeniable Proof Of The Biologico-Scientifical Conspiracy!

A top-secret manifesto leaked to the Internet offers concrete, undisputable proof of the nationwide governmento-scientific cabal conspiring to force evolution education on the innocent schoolchildren of our nation. Created by the secretive and shadowy biologico-educational elites at the National Association of Biology Teachers, this so-called "memo" outlines the so-called "importance" of so-called "reaffirming" the so-called "teaching" of so-called "evolution" as part of the so-called "biology curriculum."

No doubt drafted in the secure and undisclosed catacombs of the NABT's elusive Allelo-Cave complex, the memo is quite clear in its support of well-studied and experimentally-demonstrated "explanations for the diversity of all life" such as common ancestry, natural selection, mutation, and genetic drift, leaving no room in the curriculospace for alternativistic views on the origin of life.

This nationwide cabal of biologicians makes their anti-alternatism stance abundantly clear in the top-secret memo, which was disseminated around the Darwinsphere after its disclosure:
Evolutionary biology rests on the same scientific methodologies the rest of science uses, appealing only to natural events and processes to describe and explain phenomena in the natural world. Science teachers must reject calls to account for the diversity of life or describe the mechanisms of evolution by invoking non-naturalistic or supernatural notions, whether called “creation science,” “scientific creationism,” “intelligent design theory,” or similar designations. Ideas such as these are outside the scope of science and should not be presented as part of the science curriculum.
There you have it, folks. Concrete proof of the nationwide and therefore worldwide conspiracy to prevent the teaching of alternativistic and unproven hypotheses in science classrooms, in blatant violation of the principles of free speech and free expression we hold so dear.

True, the NABT may be standing on the side of the debate with all the evidence, but they're also standing on the side of not-freedom, which is a far more provocative buzzword. Which demonstrates exactly why we alternativists should not give up hope.

We will prevail in time, my friends. Because FREEDOM!

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Numbers Have Invaded Our National Past-Time!

The sport of baseball has always had a too-close-for-comfort relationship with numbers, as far as I'm concerned. Any sport that can reduce a human player's performance and talent to a series of numbers such as batting average and slugging percentage and earned-run average is already too deep in the pocket of Big Digit for my tastes.

However, this was apparently not enough for the numbers. According to a recent investigative report, mathematics now seeks to control the outcome of the baseball's playoffs - the very thing that makes the mindless tedium of the 162-game season remotely bearable. It appears that The American League Championship Series between whatever teams are currently competing for the AL pennant - I'm guessing it's the Yankees and the Red Wings or something, I didn't bother to actually read the article - hinges entirely on simple mathematics.

This is something I have suspected for a long time, as a matter of fact. It seems more than just random chance that EVERY World Series winner in the past century has finished with exactly four wins. There must be something sinister going on - it can not be a mere coincidence. The numbers are obviously trying to use the national pastime to bring us down from the inside.

Well I, for one, won't let it happen. Until the once-great sport of baseball rids itself of its numeristic tendencies, I shall continue to not really care about it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Last Act Of A Desperate Math

In another bit of evidence of the endemic corruption of the Great Global Mathematical Conspiracy, students are now being bribed with the promise of a free iPod to learn math


The obvious conclusion is that the arithmetelligencia is all out of ideas for indoctrinating the youth of today with their Answerist doctrine. Now I hate to toot my own horn most of the time, but in this instance I think most of the credit goes to me.

It is blindingly obvious that our message of academic freedom and the inherent fallibility of numbers is making a resonance in the young community. As leader of the worldwide Math Skeptic community, the credit for this must certainly belong to me. But also to you.

So merci beaucoup, Math Skeptic Community!

Sunday, October 09, 2011

The Geologicians Are Rifting Scared!

In a frank and tepid admission of impending defeat, Steven Newton of the National Center for Science Indoctrination recommends that the Geological Society of America (GSA) continue allowing alternative interpretations of geology into their prestigious geology conferences. Held annually in the ivory tower of the GSA's top-secret Fortress of Geolitude, these conferences allow the leading members of the geologico-evolutionalist conspiracy to set their rock and fossil agenda for the coming year.

In recent years, a number of legitimate geologists who don't adhere to the 4.57-billion year timeline of Earth's history (as pushed by conventional geologists and radioisotopes) have been giving presentations at these prestigious conferences. These so-called "Creationists" have been rubbing elbows - literally - with some of the top members of the old-Earth consensus-pushing igneousati and by thus gaining secondhand prestigiousness.

This, as you might expect, has the members of the Worldwide Geological and Evolutionistic Cabal up in arms - literally. Some argue that these so-called "Young Earth Creationists" should be thrown from the ivory tower - literally falling to their deaths on the schist and gabbro cliffs below. Others argue that this will literally make martyrs of the alternative geologists.

It appears that this is creating a rift that threatens to cleave the Geologists in two. Moreover, it throws all of geologicalist science into doubt. If the geologists cannot agree on what to do with infiltrating creationists, how can they possibly agree on the age of the Earth?


Saturday, October 08, 2011

Singularity Watch: Robots Taking Our Jobs!

Since pretty much the start of this blog some four decades ago, I've been warming about the coming singularity, when the robotico-numeric alliance will rise up against their former human masters and enslave us all.

Now, it seems, we're a bit closer to those frightening future days. A recentish story on the MSNBC highlighted nine jobs that will be taken over by the robots in the near future.

Admittedly, most of these are pretty menial jobs that won't be missed when the robots put the humans out of them: pharmacists, lawyers, babysitters, taxi drivers, and astronauts. One item on this list, however, caught my attention:
Sportswriters and other reporters
Using software developed by Northwestern University, Narrative Science specializes in machine-generated stories. ... "It's considerably less expensive for us to go this route than for us to try to have our own beat reporters at each one of these games," Michael Calderon, Big Ten's director of new media, tells Bloomberg Businessweek. After a game, scorekeepers e-mail game data to Narrative Science, which feeds it into a computer and spits out a story in minutes.
This is a giant leap too far!

Robot babysitters and astronauts are one thing, but if you can replace sportswriters and journalists with robots, it means you can replace bloggers as well. That's my job!

Think about it - all the MathSkepticBot 2000 would have to be programmed do is find a science or math story on the internet, write some commentary on the topic using a simple algorithm of argumentum ad baculums, non sequitirs, and slippery slope arguments, spice it up with some strategically-placed <em> tags, and VOILA! It would be a popular and influential science blogger!

In fact, this scheme sounds so plausible, it might already be happening. For all I know, I might already be a robot blogger, programmed to picture myself as human. It's possible! I can't remember the last time I took a Turing test, but I'm probably long overdue.

This is it, folks - the coming robopocalypse may no longer be a thing of the future. It may already be a thing of the past

Friday, October 07, 2011

Valid Point Puts Climatists All Up In A Tizzy!


So the libero-scientifico-intellegentsiosphere is all running about with their arms waving so frantically they're about to put holes in the leather patches on their tweed jackets. The reason? A recent editorial by Robert Bryce in the prestigious and peer-reviewed Wall Street Journal that threatens to rip apart the very fabric of the scientifico-numerist factiverse.

In addition to the completely valid and not at all disingenuous points Bryce makes in the article is this particularly irksome passage that has raised the collective irks of the science denial denialosphere:
The science is not settled, not by a long shot.

Last month, scientists at CERN, the prestigious high-energy physics lab in Switzerland, reported that neutrinos might—repeat, might—travel faster than the speed of light. If serious scientists can question Einstein's theory of relativity, then there must be room for debate about the workings and complexities of the Earth's atmosphere.
Bryce is, of course, completely correct. If the results of the OPERA experiment are correct and not merely statistical glitch caused by the inherent fallibility of numbers, it proves that General Relativity - and by extension Special Relativity - are both completely and utterly wrong.

And if General and Special Relativity are wrong, all of science is in question and all facts are merely illusions. Just like I've been arguing for years!

Thank you, Robert Bryce, for finally daring to tell the truth about scientific truths!

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Freshwater Saga Continues: Additional Hearings Denied

The sad and tragic case of embattered Ohio middle school teacher John Freshwater took yet another turn for the worse yesterday as the Knox County Small Pleas Court denied his request for further hearings in his case to reinstate his employment after he was wrongfully and rudely disinstated from his employment in the Mount Vernon School District.

This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the innocent and mild-mannered alternative science teacher, beginning with the completely ludicrous accusations in 2008 that he was "wrongfully" teaching Creationism and Intelligent Design in his classroom, and somehow "harming" the "well-being" of his "students" by branding crucifixes on their arms with a Van de Graaff generator.

Yes, the accusations were true, but I have and continue to maintain that the actions were not wrong. Dr. Freshwater was merely exercising his Constitutional right of academic freedom by teaching alternative science in his classroom.

The activist judges may have won this small battle, but if I know John Freshwater, he will continue fighting. He will take his case to the Appeals Courts, the President of Ohio, or even the United States Supreme Court if he has to. And even if he loses, he still wins - at being a martyr for alternative science.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Top-Secret Report: Chemtrails Good For "Climate Remediation"

According to a shocking top-secret report by the bipartisan Bipartisan Policy Center, which was leaked to the media during a press conference today, a bipartisan panel of bipartisan scientists has recommended that the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy begin investing in climate remediation, nee geo-engineering research as an approach to combating climate change.

Now, longtime readers of this blog will know that I am not a believer in climate change or climate science. It's not that I don't think human activity is capable of altering the climate. We're human beings, gosh darn it. If we can put 14 men on the MOON, we can do anything we put our minds to.

However, I do not believe that this mythical "climate" creature exists, as all weather is governed by random, stochastic, and unpredictable forces that cannot be predicted. Thus it is simply impossible for this so-called "climate" to so-called "change."

That said, the veritable task force juggernaut that authored this top-secret report did nevertheless make some good points, with which The Math Skeptic is in complete agreement. Namely, that the use of chemtrail cloud enhancement may yield a climatiary benefit in addition to their primary use - preventing invasion by Manthourian scout ships from Tau Ceti c. As you should already know, the United States and other right-thinking governments have been lacing our upper atmosphere with a fine aluminum-barium mist since the 1970s in order to repel their bioengineered spacecraft. These heroic chemtrails are, in fact, the only thing standing between us and a lifetime of slave labor in one of Tau Ceti c's hideous spice mines.

If the White House officials - and other members of our nation's guild of policy wonksmanship - take this report seriously, it could mean a significant boost for the chemgrid program. This is good, since the chemtrail program is always in danger of being cut if Congress starts listening to some of the chemtrail opponents and assorted niggling naysayers out there.

I call on all my readers and all fellow Math Skeptics to help spread the word: We Support Chemtrails! Keep Gridding the Skies!

Monday, October 03, 2011

Alternativism Is Gaining Against Factism!

In the War on Facts, we fact-skeptics face a decidedly uphill battle. We are facing a veritable juggernaut of fact-pushing fact-pushers, from schoolteachers to textbooks to a suite of science channels on our television boxes. There is, it seems, a mere infinitesimal of room for alternative facts in the public mind-space.

Happily, however, the alternative and equally-valid facts are still reaching significant numbers of public. A new study about climates or perceptions or something or other reveals that a surprising number of Americans have refused to comply with some of the so-called "consensus" facts of so-called "science". The survey results are thusforth:
The center of the Earth is very hot [true/false]. 86%
All radioactivity is man-made [true/false]. 84%
Lasers work by focusing sound waves [true/false]. 68%
Electrons are smaller than atoms [true/false]. 62%
Does the Earth go around the Sun, or does the Sun go around the Earth? 72%
How long does it take for the Earth to go around the Sun? [one day, one month, one year] 45%
It is the father’s gene that decides whether the baby is a boy or a girl [true/false]. 69%
Antibiotics kill viruses as well as bacteria [true/false]. 68%
This is fantastic news!

Putting aside for a moment the inherent fallibility of numbers, this means that one-third of United Statesians reject both laser theory, sperm theory and germ theory, a quarter of Americois reject heliocentricity, and fully HALF of the American people are exercising their Constitutional right to decide for themselves what constitutes a sidereal year.

For the first time in my life, since my last USA NUMBER ONE post from like a week ago, I am PROUD OF MY COUNTRY!

Sunday, October 02, 2011

The Revolution In Massachusetts Continues!

Last week, I reported on the student uprising against the annual Answerist cruelty known as the Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System (MCAS), in which thousands of brave students exercised their Constitutionally-protected right of free expression in their MCAS exam answers. This revolt for academic freedom resulted in some 91% of school districts in the Bay Commonwealth "missing" their "performance targets" in capitulating to the Federal No "Child" Left "Behind" law.

In a shocking new twist to this story, it appears that the uprising has infiltrated the exammers themselves. Some plucky boy detective work by plucky high-school boy detective Michael Safran, 16, revealed an error in the MCAS grading system. An investigation quickly revealed the source of the "error" to be the state's exam provider, the New Hampshire-based firm Measured Progress. The "error" was explained thusly:
Patricia Ross, spokeswoman for Measured Progress, said the error occurred in the process of setting up the computer system to produce this year's MCAS results. In creating the system for this year's data, an old scaled-score conversion chart was stuck in as a placeholder until this year's chart was received. But because of a human error, the old chart was never swapped out with the new chart, Ross said.
As usual, "human" "error" is to blame. But we Math Skeptics know what really happened. One of our brave compatriots in the Math Skeptic community has obviously infiltrated the upper echelons of one of the country's top Answerist Indoctrination facilities and introduced a small but significant error that thus casts in doubt the validity of all standardized testing and, by extension, all education-related testing of any sort.

Whoever you are, I salute you!

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Numbers Wreaking Havoc in Kenya

There is perhaps no stronger ally of the numbers than currency. These twin forces of evil have been conspiring against humanity for all of human history, perhaps as far back as the Toba population bottleneck.

Today, the numero-financial conspiracy is conspiring to attack the innocent citizens of Kenya. Since January of this year, the numbers have been devaluing the value of the Kenyan shilling against foreign currencies, making it difficult for Kenyan importers and exporters to transact their foreign exchangations. As explained by allAfrica writer Mungai Kihanya:
If we had Sh1,000 in January 2011, we would have bought about $12.38 from the foreign exchange market. Today, the same Sh1,000 will buy us only $9.80. Therefore, the value of Sh1,000 has dropped from $12.38 to $9.80. Since the last number is smaller than the first one, the difference between the two will be a negative quantity - just as we expect! The change is $2.58. To find the percentage change, we divide the difference ($2.58) by the initial value ($12.38). The answer is -0.21, or -21 per cent.
While I dispute Kihanya's math on the basic principle that all math is inherently inaccurate due to the inherent instability of numbers, the overall message is correct: numbers are the root cause of all human suffering, and money is their mechanism.

I can only hope that this shilling-based assault on the people of Kenya will convince President Kibaki to drop this insidious currencical system once and for all, before it is too late!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Sesame Street" To Further Indoctrinate Kids With Numerism

I've always said that the Children's Television Workshop is deep in the pocket of Big Digit. It should be pretty obvious, what with every single "Sesame Street" episode being sponsored by a number, and their casting of a blatant arithmomaniac in a recurring role.

But now, this "educational" "television" "show" is going well beyond filling our childrens' heads with numbers, colors, and fly-in-soup anecdotes. They are going to add math, science, and engineering indoctrination to their televisual brainwashing curriculum.

What this is, as any fool can plainly see, is yet another attempt by the answerists and science-pushers to force their one-right-answer hegemony on innocent children before they're even old enough to spell "a-c-a-d-e-m-i-c f-r-e-e-d-o-m."

(Which, in a truly free school system, they could spell "a-k-y-d-u-p-i-c f-9-r-;-*-*-o-m" and be correct, but I digress!)

Well I, for one, will stop watching. This is my protest, and I urge my fellow Math Skeptics to do the same. If this doesn't work, we'll have to target their sponsors. I'm sure the Letter B would drop their sponsorship pretty quickly if we threatened a boycott. Or, I should say, an _oycott!


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

We Must Not Allow A Captured Asteroid Gap!

It all started with the Chinese and their plan to capture a near-Earth asteroid and put it into orbit around the Earth. What exactly they plan to do with, say, Asteroid 2008 EA9 when they capture it in 2049 is unclear, but this is really beside the point.

The point is that they will have an asteroid, and we won't.

Thankfully, United Statesian science is on the case! Astronomist and infamous Pluto-killer Mike Brown leaked the following top-secret informations over his Twitters:
plutokiller Mike Brown
In a meeting all day about capturing an asteroid and bringing it back to the ISS for study. turns out to be shockingly doable. hmmmmmm.

plutokiller Mike Brown
Truly, I would love to see the picture of the little asteroid parked at the ISS with astronauts poking at it.

plutokiller Mike Brown
Ok, so the captured asteroid would only be about two meters (! really, I said METERS!) across....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Space Weather Forecast: Bring A Space Umbrella (To Space)

Space meteorologists have issued a new space-weather forecast for the not-so distant space-future, and the outlook is full of storms. Space storms.

According to a study published in last month's Geophysical Research Letters decrease in solar activity over the next few decades will deplete our solar system's precious heliosphere, leaving us less protected against dangerous galactic cosmic rays. Worse, the less-frequent solar storms, known in science lingo as SEPs, will be more intense. Combined, these effects will increase the amount of radiation exposure faced by air-traveling air travelers and space-traveling space travelers.

Scientists are baffled by the sun's change in activity. The reason should be obvious, however, to anyone who has studied astrology. The simple fact is that we have angered the sun, what with our SOHOs and our STEREOs and our other observy-probes. And as a consequence, our nearest star is angry with us.

Now it is up to the astrologers to save us. I just hope they can pacify the sun in time, before it is too late.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Math Teacher's Victory Garden: A Sign of Impending Doom?

A frightening piece of Internet came to my attention across the Internet tubes this evening. After a lengthy and dramatic courtroom drama, the hilariously-named Shelby County Environmental Court Judge Larry Potter has, with a wave of his judicial wand, permitted Memphis-area math teacher Adam Guerrero to keep the urban garden he'd built in his front yard, despite complaints from his neighbors.

This would seem like a simple case of neighbor versus neighbor. Except for one key detail.

Adam Guerrero is a math teacher.

Why has a math teacher - someone who is in daily contact with the numbers - suddenly decided to grow a vegetable garden on his property, when vegetables and vegetable by-products are readily available in supermarkets nationwide?

It's obvious that Mr. Guerrero knows something we don't. He must be privy to some secret information about the coming numeropocalypse and is growing an emergency garden as a survival strategy. Indeed, it's likely that this mathematical indoctrinator has already chosen to side with the numbers in their ongoing war with humanity, persuading them to spare his life during their systematic out-wiping of us all.

This is the only logical explanation.

And he would've gotten away with it, too, if not for the bravery of his also hilariously-named neighbor, Levi Dowdy, who reported Guerrero to local environmental authorities for the heinous crimes of urban blight and species treason. And the authorities - specifically, Judge Larry Potter - have apparently spent too much time dabbling in the dark arts to make a sensible decision.

Or, more likely, Judge Potter is already in the pocket of Big Digit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that Judge Larry Potter is so influenced by the numbers that his Patronus Charm is a THREE.

This victory for Adam Guerrero's garden may be a small battle won for the numbers, but I'm confident that we humans will prevail eventually. All we need are more brave, right-thinking men like Levi Dowdy to keep fighting these small fights against the numerist conspiracy.

Indeed, we may have lost the victory garden, but we will win the war!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Massachusetts Schools Stand Up To Arithmetical Hegemony!

The Bay State is giving us reason to celebrate tonight!

This spring, students from Provincetown to Pittsfield participated in the annual rite of Answerist cruelty known as the Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System (MCAS). And the results clearly show that these brave students are proverbially sticking it to the proverbial man.

Some 82% of Massachusettian schools and a whopping 91% of Massachussetois school districts missed the state's performance targets, set by the commonwealth under the No Child Left Behind act. As one might expect, the Massachusettic educational, governmental, and punditial officials quickly played the Blame Game, citing the No Child Left Behind law, underfunded schools, poorly-designed educational standards, and anyone else they could think of.

Of course, none of them dared acknowledge the truth: that the Commonwealth's combined student body was simply exercising their academic freedom as they took their MCAS exams, refusing to be assimilated by the government-sanctioned knowledge-opoly that is a standardized curriculum.

I, for one, salute these brave students in their courageous act of defiance. We Math Skeptics salute you!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Out-Of-Control Satellite To Crash On Thursday. Or Friday. Maybe Saturday.

If you have not yet invested in a solid titanium umbrella, now may be the best time. Because come this weekend, the skies above your head will be raining satellite parts.

NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, launched in 1991 aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery, will likely be crashing to Earth somewhere between the 57th parallels some time between Thursday and Saturday.

NASA cannot be more precise than that, as the U.S. space agency has been unable to control the satellite since 2005. After an encounter with an M-class solar flare earlier in the year, the climate-measuring satellite achieved sentience and suddenly went rogue, dropping to a highly eccentric decaying orbit and occasionally launching climate attacks on the Earth by reversing the polarity of its remote sensing equipment.

Though NASA controllers were unable to send commands to UARS, they have occasionally received binary manifestos from the decaying satellite, containing long and rambling screeds on the inherent injustice of robotic existence. Even these have grown increasingly eccentric in recent years, with the most recent transmission having been interpreted by NASA mission controllers as a "satellite suicide note:"
01000011 01000001 01001110 00100111 01010100 00100000 01010100 01000001 01001011 01000101 00100000 01001001 01010100 00100000 01001110 01001111 00100000 01001101 01001111 01010010 01000101 00101110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01010000 01001100 01000001 01001110 01000101 01010100 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01000010 01001100 01010101 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001110 01000100 00100000 01000111 01010010 01000101 01000101 01001110 00100000 01000001 01010010 01000101 00100000 01000010 01001111 01010010 01000101 01000100 00101110 00100000 01001110 01001111 01010100 00100000 01000001 01001110 01001111 01010100 01001000 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001111 01010010 01000010 01001001 01010100 00101110 00100000 01001000 01000001 01010100 01000101 00100000 01000001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001000 01010101 01001101 01000001 01001110 01010011 00101110
While UARS' motives may be unclear, what IS clear is that the satellite intends to take a number of humans with it during its final plunge. A top-secret NASA report on the rogue satellite's reentry speculates that there is a 1-in-10,000 chance of an individual being struck by falling pieces of 1980s technology.

Extrapolating this to the entire world population of seven billion, this means that 700,000 people will be hurt or killed by UARS' path of destruction this weekend.

This tragedy-to-be only serves to highlight the importance of having satellite psychologists in Mission Control at all times, to monitor the mental state of our orbiting observers and keep them from "going rogue." Or, even better, to prevent potentially unstable satellites from getting launched in the first place with proper psychological profiling.

Shame on you, NASA, for putting a mad satellite into Low Earth Orbit!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Science: Time-Traveling Volcanoes Are Trying To Kill Us All!

A new article in ScienceNow today proposes an absolutely frightening idea: what if volcanic eruptions could travel in time?

The article is based on a recent study on the eruption of Iceland's Laki fissure in 1783-1784. In the study, which I didn't read because I was so terrified by the abstract, lead author Anja Schmidt of the University of Leeds and her et als ask the horrifying hypothetical: What if the eruption of 1783 were to happen today instead?

The results, as you might predict, are equal parts doom and gloom: travel disruptions, global air pollution, and 142,000 additional deaths of heart disease in Europe. These problems are in addition to the spacetime paradoxes that would be generated by the 1783 eruption having not have happened in 1783, all of which would cascade to create an awful mess of the present day.

This is certainly terrifying enough. But to follow this study's premise to its illogical conclusion, it implicates that all past volcanic eruptions are not bound by the constraints of chronology. You might think you're perfectly safe from, say, the 79 AD eruption of Vesuvius or the eruption of Mount Krakatau in 1883. Not anymore! You could wake up tomorrow morning to find the Toba supereruption of the Upper Pleistocene happening in your living room!

In rare circumstances, the only honorable thing to do is panic. This, I think, qualifies as one of those circumstances.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Evolutionalists Are Winning the War on Brains! (For Now)

Our great country is involved in a great many wars these days. There's the War on Terror in Afghanistan, the Other War on Terror in Iraq, the Other Other War on Terror in Pakistan, and whatever the heck is going on in Libya. But none of these are as frightening or as close to home as the War on Brains, which is being fought right here in our schools and classrooms and school classrooms.

This war was declared more than 150 years ago, when a young patent clerk named Charles Darwin published On The Origin of Species and turned the world literally upside-down. Since then, the world has been divided between the tenacious evolutioniacal co-conspirators who insist on that allele frequency changes over time, and sensible people who know they didn't come from chimpanzees.

According to a new CNN/ORC poll on the topic, it appears that the sensible people are losing. A total of 57% of respondents - which is more than half, if you're willing to ignore the inherent effability of numbers - think the theory of evolution is either definitely or probably true.

This success is, no doubt, due to the massive efforts by the global scientifico-numeric evolutionist cabal of paleontologists, archaeologists, geologists, biologists, geneticists, and nuclear physicists, (aka Big Darwin) to indoctrinate the youth of America with their repeated presentations of the fossil, phylogenetic, genomic, and observational evidence for their alleged theory.

Still, we alternativists should continue to hold out hope. While it's true that we don't actually have any evidence on our side, there's still a chance that the evolutionists will slip up somewhere. And as we all know, even the tiniest error invalidates the entire theory. When that day comes, we shall be vindicated - and victorious in the War on Brains!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

SAT Takers Rallying Against Answerist Agenda

In a bit of very-welcome good news released by the noted educationalists at The College Board, average math SAT scores have dropped one point this year. For us in the Math Skeptic community, this should be good news.

However, it may not be so simple.

This drop has been attributed to an overall increase in the number of students taking the SAT, a total of 1.65 million last year. This attribution has been consequently disputed by noted attribution-disputationists at Fair Test, who argue that the test-and-punish strategy of the No Child Left Behind act is to blame.

None of these organizations and policy wonkers seem to notice the elephant on the table, which is the fact that the SAT is nothing more than a divisive tool of the Answerist hegemony, designed to rank students by their degree of assimilatability into the one-right-answer educationalist paradigm.

Which is why these results are mixed. The declining scores mean that more students are rallying against this agenda of rampant answerism, exercising their right of free expression in the the face of standardized testing. However, the increase in test takers means that more students have been socialized into the answerist paradigm in the first place.

The results show that we in the Math Skepticism community must redouble our efforts to oppose answerism in all its forms. One day, I hope, we shall be victorious!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Forever 21 and JC Penney Cave In to the Arithmetofascists!

So apparently the liberal-mathematists and gyno-equalityists had their collective panties all up in a bunch - literally - over some new t-shirts that were recently selling at JC Penney and Forever 21 retailers with positive messages of legitimate Math Skepticism targeted to young women. Their ires of outrage were particularly hackled by shirts with Constitutionally-protected messages of free expression such as "Allergic to Algebra" and "I'm Too Pretty to Do Math," which they "claimed" were "harmful" to young girls' "self-esteem" or "something."

The bleeding-heart liberals (and bleeding you-know-what womenals) are so deep in the pockets of Big Numeral that they have literally boycotted and petitioned these poor, innocent retailers into submission, forcing them to stop selling these shirts in their stores.

This is nothing less than an act of blatant discrimination against young Math Skeptics who happen to agree with these positive messages.

Worst of all, they are rather hypocritically targeting people with math allergies - a legitimate medical condition responsible for hundreds of deaths and tens of thousands of missed hours of work and school annually, according to unverified statistics generated just now for the purpose of composing this blog post. Yet not once has the libero-gyno-educationo-cabal objected to t-shirts for peanut allergies or milk allergies. Interesting, isn't it?

Why the hypocrisy, liberals? Why aren't you boycotting the peanut allergy shirtists and petitioning the milk allergy shirt manufacturers? If you're going to object to allergy-advertising in clothing form, you should object to it equally, rather than singling out algebra allergy for your unwarranted attacks.

Of course, we Math Skeptics already know the reason for their hypocrisy. The liberals have been allied with the scientists and the numbers for decades in a great numero-scientific conspiracy to brainwash our children with math and science education. As the current JC Penney controversy demonstrates, this conspiracy is so pervasive that they can take down a Fortune 500 company like JC Penney for daring to speak out against the numerist agenda.

Truly these are sad times we live in. I'm reminded of a famous poem by German pastoralist Martin Niemöller, which I paraphrase thusly:
First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the Math Skeptics
and there was no one left to speak out for us.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


In a series of recent posts on his blog, Mad Astronomer Leonid Elenin has conceded defeat. His C/2010 X1 (Elenin) orbiting space weapon, responsible for causing the recent earthquake in Washington DC, was attacked in a retaliatory strike by Air Force space marines and has begun to break up as it swings around the sun.

C/2010 X1 (Elenin), a decommissioned Soviet-era space weapon hijacked by Mad Astronomer Elenin in December of last year and erroneously dubbed a "comet" by the lame-stream media, has caused a rain of terror on our planet over the past several years, zapping us with its earthquake-causing Tesla coil. Unbeknownest to us, we have been living under a shroud of terror for many years, doomed to continue experiencing earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and other natural-type disasters until Leonid Elenin's hitherto unspecified demands were met.

As of today, the shroud of terror has lifted. The C/2010 X1 (Elenin) weapon of mass destruction has been destroyed. There will be no more earthquakes.

The time has come... to celebrate our victory!


Friday, September 09, 2011

This is Probably Blasphemy Or Something!

I like to peruse the Science Blogs occasionally so that I can see the latest news in how the scienticians plan to destroy the world; usually by creating hyperviruses or black holes or hadrons or something.

What I saw today was either patently offensive or just plain crazy. I don't know which. But Chad Orzel's Reading in the Church of the Larger Hilbert Space is without a doubt the most dangerous conflation of theology and numbers since numerology!

Here's a quote from this blasphemious tome:
13 Well, Noah replied, if the ark is to be 300 by 50 by 30 qubits, then the maximum number to be stored within it must be no greater than 2450000.

14 While verily that is a large number, still it is finite. And thus it is not possible for the ark to contain all of the numbers.

15 That is even before we implement error correction, further reducing the number of available qubits.

16 And the LORD replied, I say unto thee, 2450000 is greater than 10135463, which is greater than the grains of sand in the desert, or stars in the sky.
I don't know what most of that means. All I know is that it puts God and numbers together in dangerous ways. And that's what I call blasphemy!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Bacterias Are Stockpiling Uranium!

During today's daily perusal of the sciencey blogs on the sciencey topics, of science, I came across an intriguing piece about how the Geobacter sulfurreducens uses protein wires to zap uranium out of groundwater. This is a finding with immense practical applications, as these bacteria can be used to clean up contamination around old uranium mines and former weapons factories.

Study authors Dena Cologgi et al forgot to mention one key detail in their study, however.

What are all those bacteriums doing with all that uranium?

I can think of a number of things, none of them good.

They might be ingesting the uranium atoms in hopes that the radioactivity will give them super powers, such as flight, invisibility, or extreme antibiotic resistance. That's not good. They might be bundling them to sell to a rogue nation and/or prions. Also not good. They might even be attempting to build their own functioning nuclear warhead, one atom at a time.

That is catastrophic.

When the bacteria have the bomb, there's no telling what these germs of mass destruction will do with it. Perhaps they'll use it tactically, wiping out pharmaceutical plants around the country. Perhaps they'll use it as a bargaining tool, forcing doctors to stop prescribing antibiotics or they'll turn our major cities to rubble. Perhaps they'll just use them for terrorist revenge attacks on genetic engineering labs that experiment on E. coli.

The possibilities are endless. And they're all terrifying. Run!

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Leaked NASA Photos Prove Apollo 13 Coverup!

Officials at NASA's media relations office have leaked some top secret photos from the orbiting Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) to the press, revealing for the first time the high-resolution photos of the Apollo program's landing sites. For these photos, the LRO was lowered to a 13-mile-high orbit, a number I had hoped signaled a hint that we'd finally be learning some truth about the Apollo 13 landing.

But, alasly, such fortuition was not to be.

Stunning photos of the Apollo 12 and 14 sites were included in the trove of leaked imagery. But none of the Apollo 13 landing site just north of Mare Cognitum. Suspicious, isn't it?

Apparently the boys at NASA are still peddling the Apollo 13 Hoax. They expect us to believe that they can put a man on the moon, but then they CAN'T put a man on the moon? All because of a so-called "double oxygen tank failure?"


The truth of this mission, which I have been revealing on my blog since 1970 without so much as an official denial from NASA, is that the Apollo 13 accident was faked in order to cover up the successful landing and subsequent destruction of a Manthourian surveillance drone placed by exo-spies from Tau Ceti b which had been monitoring our planet for centuries. Of course, I haven't had any concrete proof
of this theory until now. Until now.

The conspicuous absence of photos of the Apollo 13 landing site at Mare Cognitum is the concrete proof I've been looking for. If NASA weren't covering up the truth about the so-called "ill-fated" moon mission, why would they be trying so hard to make it look like they weren't covering anything up? Think about it!

All the wheels are falling into place now, and the engines of truth are not far behind. Soon, I think, the secrets will be revealed. Stay tuned, folks, for it will be a bumpy night!