The Numbers That Stole Christmas!

Around this time of the year, the pro-Christmas faction of conservatism and the anti-Christmas faction of liberalism engage in the annual holiday ritual known as the War on Christmas.

This so-called "war" consists mainly of rhetoric and court cases and sternly-worded Letters to Editors as we Conservatives try to mind our own business and enjoy this festive occasion in the manner that Jesus intended and the Liberals try to convert the world to homosexualism. Generally, the war is a pretty tame affair with little to no bloodshed.

However! A much more insidious War on Christmas is afoot this year, waged by the forces of numerism against all of us. The numbers have begun an invasion of our sacred holiday traditions courtesy of an insidious Fifth Tinsel Column known as Treegonometry.

Allegedly created by "festive maths students" from the University of Sheffield, this so-called "Treegonometry" is a mathematical formula for optimizing Christmas tree decoration. They have even provided a "handy" "calculator" allowing unsuspecting civilians to calculate the optimal number of "baubles" and "lights" for their tree.

AND! To add insult to insult, the calculator uses metric measurements!

This is a classic example of the scientifico-mathematic cabal fixing what ain't broke, like airbags and evolutionary theory. And in the process these "festive maths students" have opened a portal for the numbers to invade our most sacred holiday.

I'm not sure whether these students were unsuspecting victims of numeric deception or deliberately committing an act of species treason, but at this point - with less than a week left in the world - this is an unimportant detail. The numeric invasion has begun.

The fact that this outbreak of "treegonometry" has occurred so close to the prophesied Apocalypse is no co-incidence. I fully believe that this insidious "treegonometry" is the beginning of the numerist invasion that will ultimately lead to next Friday's global numeropocalypse and/or timequake.

Though it is probably too late to act in our defense as a species, it may not be too late to act in our defense as a species. I urge all of my readers who are putting up a tree this year (which - let's face it - is pointless as the world will end four days prior to Christmas) to eschew all treegonometric influence and decorate their trees in the way Jesus intended: by getting drunk on eggnog and putting ornaments any damn place.

War!

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The Evolutionalists Are Winning the War on Brains! (For Now)

Our great country is involved in a great many wars these days. There's the War on Terror in Afghanistan, the Other War on Terror in Iraq, the Other Other War on Terror in Pakistan, and whatever the heck is going on in Libya. But none of these are as frightening or as close to home as the War on Brains, which is being fought right here in our schools and classrooms and school classrooms.

This war was declared more than 150 years ago, when a young patent clerk named Charles Darwin published On The Origin of Species and turned the world literally upside-down. Since then, the world has been divided between the tenacious evolutioniacal co-conspirators who insist on that allele frequency changes over time, and sensible people who know they didn't come from chimpanzees.

According to a new CNN/ORC poll on the topic, it appears that the sensible people are losing. A total of 57% of respondents - which is more than half, if you're willing to ignore the inherent effability of numbers - think the theory of evolution is either definitely or probably true.

This success is, no doubt, due to the massive efforts by the global scientifico-numeric evolutionist cabal of paleontologists, archaeologists, geologists, biologists, geneticists, and nuclear physicists, (aka Big Darwin) to indoctrinate the youth of America with their repeated presentations of the fossil, phylogenetic, genomic, and observational evidence for their alleged theory.

Still, we alternativists should continue to hold out hope. While it's true that we don't actually have any evidence on our side, there's still a chance that the evolutionists will slip up somewhere. And as we all know, even the tiniest error invalidates the entire theory. When that day comes, we shall be vindicated - and victorious in the War on Brains!

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NASA! You're Playing With DANGER!

Just a month after launching Voyager 2 on a mission to annoy the outer planets, NASA has launched the Voyager 1 space-probe to further antagonize the biggest of the gas giants, Jupiter and Saturn.

Due to arrive at Jupiter in January 1979 and Saturn in November 1980, this little probe will no doubt be an irritating annoyance to the otherwise private outer planets. As the Astrologers have been warning us for centuries - ever since a young patent clerk named Galileo turned his new "tele-scope" skyward and became the first Jovian paparazzi - the gas giants value their privacy, and do not appreciate our telescopic and robotic invasions.

And, thanks to the ingenious doings of certified brainiac Carl Sagan, we won't be able to claim innocence when the Jovian ire is enraged. The Voyager probe contains a gold record saying "Hello from Earth", complete with maps and diagrams and sounds so that the gas giants will have no doubt as to its origin.

We can only hope that the Astrologers will be able to keep the enraged outer planets at bay so that they will decide not to attack us with their asteroid arsenals.

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